Happiness
“Happiness is a state of inner fulfillment, not the gratification of inexhaustible desires for outward things.” VENERABLE MATTHIEU RICARD
If we are looking for happiness in our lives, it is important to understand the difference between stimulus-driven pleasure and genuine happiness. Confusion related to these two concepts is at the core of many of our mental and emotional problems.
Stimulus-driven pleasure comes from the world around us. It requires a stimulus—a delicious meal, an award, a vacation, a concert—that provides a pleasurable experience. The pleasure is dependent on the stimulus. Or, in other words, the pleasure depends on outside circumstances.
The “good” feelings that are triggered from these circumstances are only temporary, and the stimuli do not consistently produce the same result. The same stimulus can trigger varying levels of pleasure and also create suffering. For instance, if you eat too much of the delicious meal or listen to your favorite song too many times, what was pleasurable can turn into a painful experience. At the same time, not getting your favorite meal when it was expected or having a vacation canceled leads to temporary suffering.
To be clear, there is no problem with savoring a delicious meal, having a nice vacation, or enjoying a concert. The problem lies in our unrealistic expectations that these experiences will provide more, or longer-lasting, happiness than they can. When we reflect on our lives, we find we have had numerous wonderful experiences, but we are still subject to stress, worries, sadness, fear, and anger. We can have the vacation of a lifetime, and a week later we are upset. Yet, in spite of this reality, our minds continue to tell us that if we can arrange enough pleasurable experiences in our lives, we will be happy.
One obvious problem is that we don’t have much control over the outer circumstances in our lives. While we can influence some of the factors in our lives, ultimately, we don’t have control over the economy, other drivers on the road, our friends, relationships, the weather, accidents, or even our own physical health. Another problem is that it is not actually the stimulus that provides the pleasure; it is how we perceive the stimulus. We can be on a beautiful vacation and feel miserable, or we can simply sit in our front yard and feel quite content. Our mental, emotional, and physical health have a direct effect on the degree of pleasure or pain we experience during any activity in which we participate. Despite this, we focus on external circumstances instead of how we are taking part in them.
Genuine happiness is not dependent upon a stimulus or having things go our way. It does not come from the world; it comes from what we bring to the world. It is related to our intentional activities. The term “genuine happiness” is used frequently by eminent Buddhist teachers and scholars such as B. Alan Wallace and the Venerable Matthieu Ricard, to describe the Greek term eudaimonia. Eudaimonia, an important subject of the ancient Greek philosophers, is a deep serenity and inner well-being based in virtue. When I use the term genuine happiness, or eudaimonia, it is different than the mere transient pleasurable experiences we often call happiness. It is a state of inner flourishing and well-being capable of including and transcending all of our emotional states and experiences. It represents not just the waves of our emotional experiences, but the ocean itself.
To use a common analogy, genuine happiness is like the depths of the ocean. The waves on top of the ocean represent the emotional ups and downs of life that come and go. They are transient, just as our feelings and circumstance are. They can be turbulent, calm, or somewhere in-between. Meanwhile, the depths of the ocean remain calm, connected to the waves but not caught up in them. In other words, genuine happiness is a deep sense of well-being and contentment that is available even in difficult times. The cultivation of genuine happiness does not mean we don’t feel emotions, such as sadness. Instead, it allows us to experience sadness without being caught up in it, thus avoiding feelings of hopelessness or despair. Genuine happiness is a well we can draw upon to sustain us through difficult times, and it allows us to flourish even in the simplest of activities.
The way we cultivate genuine happiness is not by collecting a long list of pleasurable experiences. It comes from within us. It is an inside job. It is cultivated by making healthy choices that are based in reality, in alignment with our values, and beneficial to others. In essence, we cultivate our genuine happiness by living a meaningful life. When we participate in life in a way we feel good about, in alignment with our values, we find inner peace regardless of the outcome or external circumstances. Conversely, when our actions violate our personal values we don’t feel good about ourselves, regardless of the outcome or circumstances.
Understanding this, we know it is not the external situations and outcomes that matter most in life; it is how we live our lives. It is not the house that brings us happiness; it’s how we came to get the house and what we do in it. It is not the job that creates happiness; it’s how we participate in the job and what we do with our work. It is not the relationship that makes us genuinely happy; it’s how we participate in that relationship. It is not making a lot of money that creates happiness; it’s how we make the money and what we do with it.
This is not to say that stimulus-driven pleasure is harmful or something to avoid. It is perfectly normal and healthy to seek pleasurable experiences and enjoy them. As I mentioned earlier, the problem does not lie in the experiences themselves; it lies in our unrealistic expectations that these experiences will provide a much greater level of happiness—or, for that matter, unhappiness—than they actually do.
If we understand that the events, activities, relationships, and circumstances of our lives will consistently give rise to only temporary experiences that are both pleasant and unpleasant, then we are free to enjoy the pleasurable ones while they last, and we are able to more effectively deal with the difficult ones. We need to understand the limits of the effects our outer experiences have and not confuse them with the source of genuine happiness.
The key distinction that determines whether an activity is simply a stimulus-driven pleasure or a cause of genuine happiness is the motivations and attitudes we bring to it. There is a subtle but important difference between doing something we feel good about and doing something that makes us feel good.
If we understand this distinction, we are able to transform all of our experiences, whether pleasurable or difficult, into opportunities to cultivate genuine lasting happiness. When our actions are in alignment with our values and beneficial to others and to ourselves, then we are doing things we feel good about.
Such meaningful activities are the essential ingredients of a meaningful life. Every time we reflect on these activities, we can feel good about our participation in them, and this gives us a deeper sense of value and well-being. On the other hand, if we participate in activities solely to seek pleasure for ourselves, without a deeper motivation tied to our values or living with purpose and meaning, then we will find our satisfaction is limited and fleeting. This applies to all of our experiences, whether they are painful, pleasurable, or somewhere in between.
For example, in 2006, my mother was dying in a hospital in Southern California. It was a difficult and challenging time for all of the members of my family. Though clearly I am biased, I can honestly say that my mother was an amazing and virtuous woman. My father passed away when I was only six and my mom was left to raise nine children alone. We did not have much money, but she always found a way to ensure our needs were met and let us know that we were loved. My mother endured incredible hardships, including the death of my sister in an automobile accident not long after the passing of my father. She worked full time, rode the bus, took night courses, and raised all of us. She had an incredible reservoir of compassion and inner strength, as well as a deep commitment to helping others. Throughout her life, my mother was a living example of virtuous activity. She was one of those rare people who had friends of all ages and backgrounds.
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