disturbance. In this context, delusional refers to phenomena that are much more common to our everyday experience.
One of my favorite examples of everyday delusion is the idea of the annoying person. We all know someone who is annoying, right? In truth, there is no such thing as an annoying person. However, the mind can quickly point to the people we find annoying and label them “annoying people.” As soon as we see one of these people, we can experience intense feelings and become annoyed. The person doesn’t even have to say or do a thing.
Now, if this person actually was annoying, wouldn’t everyone find him annoying all the time? Yet, the same person we find annoying, others find interesting. In fact, for some entirely unexplainable reason, someone might even want to marry this person! When we look at people like this more accurately, we find they are not intrinsically annoying; rather, we are annoyed by something they say or do.
If we look even deeper, we often find we are not really annoyed at all; we are merely experiencing the feelings of being annoyed, which are temporary. The feeling of being annoyed will leave, and we will still be here. The people we think of as annoying do and say things all day long that we would not find annoying. They are probably not annoying when they walk their kids to school, take out the trash, cook a meal, pay their bills, help their parents, or just sit at home watching TV. In fact, during most of their day, we would not find them annoying.
The true cause of our irritation is not the other person; it is our judgment and perception of that person. Being annoyed is a mental experience, and the cause of a mental experience is the mind. The delusion is the belief that the other person is truly annoying and he or she is the actual cause of our feeling annoyed. If we take a moment to reflect, we can recall times when we were feeling great and people we normally found annoying didn’t bother us at all. We can also recall times when we were tired or irritable, and even our best friends annoyed us.
The belief that our happiness or sadness comes from other people or events is one of the most pervasive everyday delusions. Our happiness or sadness actually comes from how we perceive and respond to those people and events. Let’s look at two ways of relating and responding when our car won’t start:
1. Delusional and reactive: We think our car should always start and not be subject to breaking down. We may become angry, upset, or panicked, quickly calling to mind our bad luck and asking, “Why me?” The mind presents us with how terrible this is, possibly looking for who is to blame—maybe our mechanic, our partner, or the car manufacturer. We ruminate on how inconvenient this is, how much money this could cost, and what a bad day this has turned out to be. Eventually, we do make an alternative plan to get where we’re going and have the car fixed. However, we may carry our frustration and perceived bad luck throughout our day, sharing it with our friends.
2. Realistic and responsive: Understanding it is natural that cars sometimes don’t start (there is a whole industry based on the reality that cars break down: the automotive repair industry), after a moment of surprise, we accept and assess the situation, and move into solution mode. We get a jump-start or other needed help if available, or we make an alternate plan to get where we are going. We then make a plan to get the car fixed. Instead of asking, “Why me?” and thinking of our bad luck, we have the perspective that this is just an everyday event, and we might even be grateful we have a car and a place to go when so many others do not. Instead of letting this ruin our day, it reminds us of the resources and opportunities we have.
In both of these scenarios, the event is the same, but the outcome and the amount of suffering are very different because of the perspective and attitude we brought to the situation. It is a common practice—and a complete misunderstanding—to blame our mental and emotional suffering on other people, events, or things when the true source is our own mind. It obsessively and compulsively draws our attention away from the current moment, preventing us from seeing clearly with perspective, and projecting unrealistic expectations and exaggerated qualities onto the people and events in our lives.
This is not to say there are not tragic and painful experiences we all have in our lives that will naturally give rise to feelings of emotional suffering. This is a normal and intrinsic part of our human experience. The point here is that there is an excessive amount of mental and emotional suffering we endure that is unnecessary. It can be avoided if we understand more clearly the true sources of both our suffering and our happiness. The good news is that we can tame our unruly minds, cultivate wisdom, and learn to cultivate genuine happiness as we live in the real world. We do this by learning to live mindfully.
The tools of mindfulness empower us to be aware of our thoughts, feelings, and environment with clarity and discernment. Mindfulness enables us to distinguish healthy tendencies from unhealthy ones, beneficial habits from harmful ones, and delusional grasping from clear understanding. It allows us to make choices that are healthy, helpful, and aligned with our values. In so doing, we cultivate inner peace, genuine happiness, and a meaningful life.
3 Matthew Killingsworh and Daniel Gilbert, “A Wandering Mind is an Unhappy Mind,” Science, 330, No. 6006 (November 2010): 932, doi: 10.1126/science.1192439.
“But it is extremely important to check and see if whatever meditation we do is an actual remedy for our suffering.” LAMA YESHE
The first step—and one of the key components to living mindfully—is learning how to tame the unruly mind and cultivate attentional balance. In other words, we must learn how to direct our attention where we want it and hold it there. Ultimately, this is the only way to establish free will in our lives.
It is a common myth that we have such free will and use it daily. As described in the previous chapter, most of our choices and reactions are triggered by an unruly mind based on distorted perceptions; they are not conscious choices based in reality. If we are to have free will in our lives, we have to be fully available to make the choice. This means we need to be present in the current moment with clarity and wisdom. Instead of having the mind drag us around from one thought or feeling to the next, we need to train the mind to serve us in the healthiest way possible.
If we observe the mind, we will notice that it tends to be either overly active—ruminating, planning, reminiscing (often referred to as “monkey mind”)—or tired, such as when we can’t muster the energy to pay attention. These two states are often described as excitation and laxity. The mind tends to be either too excited or too lax. Rarely is it relaxed, stable, and attentive.
This dual tendency toward excitation and laxity has been noted in many wisdom traditions throughout time. Most people just get used to it and accept is as a normal state of mind. However, it is not our normal or natural state of mind. The natural state of the mind is blissful and luminous. In fact, when the mind is calm and clear at the same time, it returns to its natural state and happiness spontaneously arises. Unfortunately, the obsessive, compulsive, and delusional activities of the mind obscure its true natural state. This state is verifiable. It has been consistently replicated by meditators over thousands of years, yet it eludes the vast majority of us. When we are able to cultivate attentional balance, avoid getting caught up in excitation or laxity, and develop the ability to focus our attention in a relaxed, stable, and clear way, only then will we discover this natural state of mind.
The method of cultivating attentional balance that has been refined
