One of the motivators for me, to do this work around sexual pleasure, is often when we speak of sexual health we neglect to include sexual pleasure and help people to navigate all the different questions and experiences that they are having.
Not enough people are affirmed enough to know that they do not have to wait for sex, without any moral judgements. I prescribe to the pleasure revolution and part of the pleasure revolution is for people to know that the right to sexual pleasure is a right that they possess. They should be able to have sex in a manner that is exciting for them and in a way that allows them to negotiate safer sex. Furthermore, this kind of sex should not leave them feeling unsatisfied.
This is why I encourage people to partake in masturbation (alone or even as a couple), which helps a lot with intimacy.
There are many ways to be sexual and intimate and physically connected with a partner. Sex does not begin with an erection and it certainly does not end with ejaculation. Sadly, for a lot of people there is not much happening in between except boredom, anxiety and for some people even pain.
A lot of the work I do focuses on tackling the idea of consent. There can never be sexual pleasure without consent. So anything that is not consensual is not sex. Without enthusiastic ongoing consent there is no sex. When things go wrong, namely when there is coercion or fear or anxiety or outright violence and abuse, the consequences of those things are lifelong. Some people do not even know they have been the victims of violence because they carry so much shame. They believe sex happens to them and if they do not like what’s being done to them then there is something wrong with them. Women are burdened with the idea that they live for the gaze of men and the enjoyment of men and patriarchy is a system that punishes women who do not live by this idea.
There is the need to be insistent that sex is not just something that happens with a penis and vagina – sex is so much more than that and all the other types of sex have been deliberately erased. There is a false notion that this is a new idea of what sex is, but sex has always been open, it has always been fluid and sexual pleasure has always been something that people seek. But in the context of all our other concerns, namely sexual health concerns, relationship issues and issues around consent, we need to pay specific attention to sexual pleasure and what it means.
Having sex can be a subversive act, having sex is activism. Having mind-blowing orgasms is part of the Pleasure Revolution. The only way we can do that is by having affirming sexual experiences that honour the fact that we have rights to pleasure.
Dr Tlaleng Mofokeng is an MD, author of Dr T: A Guide to Sexual Health and Pleasure, a sexual reproductive rights expert, radio and TV host and founder of Nalane Reproductive Justice. Basically, she is everything.
3
CONSENT 101: BACK TO BASICS
Sex is nice right? But before you can fly you must walk, and before you walk you must crawl. Before you can have sex, you must understand consent.
Consent is the bedrock of all activities not just sexual but for the sake of this book let us keep it to the sexy times. There is a lot you shall encounter in this manual, words of wisdom that will take your fornication to the next level, but before that you need to understand the basics.
Consent (n): a voluntary agreement to engage in a sexual activity. To give consent is the ability to say yes to something on your own terms. Consent can also be applied to any interaction be it physical or emotional, as well as sexual.
We are taking this further and saying consent should be a lot more than the presence of a no but the presence of an enthusiastic yes! It is better to do all the things described in this book with happy and engaging Yes-es ringing around the room. Consent is the starting point to building strong intimate sexual and romantic relationships. It’s about being able to choose what kinds of experiences we enter into with other people, without agreeing to do these things only in order to avoid a negative consequence.
Sexual assault is any type of sexual contact without voluntary consent. If consent is not voluntary it is coerced.
Sexual harassment is any behaviour or communication directed at someone with the intention of attacking their sexuality, sexual identity, or sense of safety. Unlike sexual assault, sexual harassment is not physical and tends to be more verbal, using symbols and gestures.
There are various ways people can show a lack of consent including freezing up, pulling away, going silent or even crying. It does not have to be kicking and screaming and yelling to show a lack of consent. Hesitation and a lack of surety is often an indication of a lack of consent.
Consent3 is usually defined in real black and white terms: yes and no. But there is so much more to consent than that. It is dynamic, ongoing and a constant negotiation.
•Consent can be withdrawn.
•Consent is not forever: it is not a case of once consent is given for one thing then it is given for everything, that when it is given once it applies for all time. Giving consent for one thing at a certain time does not mean that there is blanket consent for all acts all the time.
•Consent is continuous.
Consent and coercion
One of the ways perpetrators of sexual violence violate consent, is through coercion. It is used in many sexual assaults.
It is not that someone did not say no; it is that they couldn’t say no. Coercion is manipulation.
It comes in various forms, including:
•pressuring (e.g. repeatedly asking someone until they are worn down)
•threatening (e.g. ‘I’ll break up with you if you don’t have sex with me’)
•intimidating (e.g. smashing something when someone says ‘no’)
•blackmailing (e.g. ‘I’ll tell everyone you’re gay if you don’t’)
•guilt-tripping (e.g. ‘If you really loved me you would have sex with me’)
Consent and relationships
You do not have to have sex with your partner. Being in a relationship does not mean that you are entitled to sex. Often people feel that they must give their partners sex or that they do no need to gain explicit consent from their partners for sex, but this is a lie. Partners can sexually assault their partners.
Without consent, having sex with someone is rape. It is true that the way we express consent in relationships changes over time but checking in and making sure that everyone is happy and healthy within the realm of your sex life is important. If a partner is feeling pressured to have sex or is scared to say no to sex or feels they can simply demand sex, this is not a good place to be. Consent includes all things such as hugging, kissing, touching as well as sex.
Read more about this in the chapter ‘More sex? Different sex? Some sex? Tips for chatting coitus’ about chatting sex with your partner. Read it. Learn It. Love It.
Metaphor for consent: Sipping tea
EMMELINE MAY
Still having a tough time with this? Here is a great metaphor for consent as a cup of tea.
‘If
