and do not want to engage with it again.
•It seems like such a hassle (getting up, getting dressed, going to a clinic etc.).
•They are scared people will find out (the evidence now ‘exists’).
•They aren’t showing symptoms so why check?
•They are sure they always have safe sex.
•People do not know what is out there (the ‘No HIV, no problem’ mentality when there is so much more).
•Lack of comprehensive sex education (not having the info you needed when they were younger).
•No access to testing services.
•Fear of accessing the services because they are scared of being judged/being exposed/their mama knowing that they got tested for gonorrhoea because someone saw them at the clinic.
It can be scary but sometimes you need to rip off the band-aid and simply do it. Knowing is so much better than not knowing. Sadly, when it comes to sex, we can end up catching something.
So getting yourself tested is an important part of having incredible sex so you can have amazing sex.
It’s probably best to have this conversation before you have had sex with someone. It’s a tricky conversation but it also doesn’t have to be serious and boring. Have fun with the conversation (go for drinks, send a sexy text full of emojis, play ‘Guess the Saturday Activity’).
Out of the gate assure your partner it is not about ‘trying to prove if they are nasty, sticky or dirty’ but about having a comfortable sexual experience free from the stresses and strains of knowing about your status.
You may want to stop using protection with a partner(s) for any number of reasons, so getting tested needs to be a priority before you do the naked tango with naked genitals. Hopefully by the time you are at this point your communication is good (if not, there is more in the section: More sex? Different sex? Some sex? Tips for chatting coitus). If you are going to stop using condoms or dental dams the conversation needs to start with ‘Let us get tested.’
Now this could be tricky because often (especially in monogamous relationships) the idea is that we all have been here and all been clean and above board. But remember again, sometimes STDs can lie low and show no symptoms. So it’s better to be safe than sorry. It’s not about saying someone is dicey but about protecting each other. It is about making sure your sexy sex stuff is safe (which makes it even sexier and hotter because … no worries).
‘Ohhhhhh so you think I got something, huh?’ (or some variation) might be a response. Or the person might be hesitant because of the reasons given earlier of why people do not get tested. What is best to do here is explain why it is important, both for you as an individual and the collective coitus (you are protecting them as well) to get tested. Also push the ease of mind factor.
If they keep pushing back even after this convo, it might be a good time to take a pause and think about whether you really want to pounce on this person. If they do not want to protect you and themselves should they really be seeing you naked?
If you have not seen them in the nude yet:
Getting lost in new sex sauce is a real thing. You meet, the chemistry is nuclear levels of explosive and all you want to do is have all the sex. Often things at this stage can be hot and heavy and to take a beat to have the ‘what is your sexual health status’ can be difficult. You also might not know them like that yet and feel that this is too personal a question but if they are about to mix body fluids with you then it is not too personal a question.
Responses to a request for a sexual health screening says a lot about a potential partner.
•Response One: ‘Yeah sure let us do it! Sexual health for the win!’ – Great response! Get tested and let this person see the tattoos that, if shown in public, might get you arrested.
•Response Two: ‘I am not so sure I am comfortable with that.’ – Seemingly open to conversation so worth going forward with it.
•Response Three: ‘So you think I am dirty or something? You know what, I am not going to do this if you do not trust me and you shouldn’t be asking and I am not going to get tested. And you suck as a human.’ – Huge red flag! Might be best to start making a fast exit. Especially if they also want to still not use any form of protection.
Again, anyone who does not want to practise safe sex is definitely worth making you take a beat and thinking about if you want to do something like get sweaty with them.
The conversation can be ongoing, especially if you want to have sex with the person again, but until then, use protection.
So the tests are positive…
One of the fears people have about getting tested with someone else is having to tell them the test is positive. Part of the conversation is assuring someone that you will not go all Judge Judy on them if the test is positive. Also do not go all Negative Nelly on them if it is positive; we are not STD-shamers. Everyone is scared of the stigma that comes with STDs and the conversation forward should be about handling the situation, be it getting medication or finding ways of having sex that protect both of you going forward. Having an STI does not mean the sex needs to stop, it just needs to be considered.
Getting tested is a necessary part of sex, whether by yourself or with a partner(s).
7
‘I THINK I’M READY NOW’: GETTING BACK INTO THE SACK AFTER TRAUMA
Being sexually active after trauma is difficult. It is a series of baby steps to getting back to a place where you trust the world, other people, your partner, and your own body. It is okay to take the time you need to get back to having sex and being intimate. Not everyone will want to have sex after a traumatic experience and that is okay. If and when you are ready, then a safe space and a supportive partnership is key.
Here are some steps you can take to get there.
1. Find some support outside your shared sexual space
Having someone to speak to who is not your partner can be a good stepping-stone to dealing with the trauma you faced and becoming sexually active again. There are fears and issues that will get in the way of being sexually active again that you might not be able to hold within the relationship. If counselling services are open to you seek them out. If you do not have access to these, a close friend is also an option. However, be aware that this could also be heavy for them so ask first if they can handle you speaking about it. The main reason this convo should be taken outside the sexual shared space is to make sure that you can speak comfortably without feeling like you are putting heaviness into the space. You should speak to your sexual partner(s) as well, both for your safety and theirs, but sharing the day to day difficulties (thoughts/feelings that weigh you down) with other people outside of your relationship can do a lot to balance the deep and dark emotions. It might also help communicating with your sexual partner by having a space to speak that does not have all the extra elements of actually being in the sexual shared space.
2. Masturbate and touch yourself
There is no safer sex than sex with yourself. This is sex that you can control and be in charge of. The sex you have in this instance is about you, about your pleasure, about how much you want or do not want. Masturbating is great,
