back a sense of control over your body. Outside of masturbation, you should also touch your body. Take time to slowly appreciate it. Take time to build positive ideas about the body that you have in all its gloriousness. This is about being kind to yourself and loving yourself. Feel sexy. Feel desirable. Feel sensual. Feel comfortable. During this time do the kind of things that make your body feel sexy. You can try some light touches and massages. This is also a time to speak positive things about your body.
3. Establish dos and don’ts
Consent and speaking about what is cool and what is not cool is an important part of any sexual interaction. It is even more important in this case. After a trauma, making sure that you take care of yourself emotionally and mentally as well as physically is vital and so you need to be able to speak about what you can and cannot do. Having this conversation does not come naturally but it’s still a crucial one to have. Figure out what it is you are able to do and have a conversation about it. It is important to sit and actively think about your body, your sex, your limits.
Ask yourself the hard questions:
•Are there places on your body that you do or don’t like touched?
•Are there things in bed that you really like or that scare you?
•Are there things you want your partner to say or are there things that are off-limits to mention?
•Are there things that turn you off or turn you on?
Once you have all this info you can go to the person who you are (potentially) sharing sexual experiences with and speak to them about it in an open and honest way and, hopefully, they’ll understand.
Anyone who cannot accept and respect your boundaries is not worth having in your space.
4. Consider having a safe word when speaking about sex things
The conversation about sex can get intense, so if you choose to have it with a partner(s), having a safe word is always a good idea – if you say it then the conversation can be stopped and continued later when you are ready to have it again. Also establish the parameters of each conversation so that it doesn’t go further than you can handle.
5. Take your time
There is no time limit on this. You do not have to rush; you do not have to make sure the healing happens in a certain amount of time. Sometimes we feel the pressure to have sex with partners, sometimes we feel the pressure to ‘be okay’. Try to shake off this vibe. The act of healing is not straightforward, there will be good days and bad days. It can be three steps forward and two back and sometimes no steps at all. There shall be highs and lows. This is something many of us will go through and that’s very okay.
Thinking about this, know that you should take the time you need to be comfortable. When you start having sex do not start with trying to achieve mind-blowing orgasms. Start with small enjoyments, small accomplishments. Figuring out what feels good, what doesn’t. What makes you laugh or smile. What feels weird.
Don’t focus on orgasms. Sex doesn’t have to be about just that.
6. Start slow
Try gentle touches or a topless massage. Light kisses on places you like or even holding each other whilst naked. Try something you both agree on and take it step by step.
What may happen is that when you start being sexual again, more emotional content may come up.
This doesn’t mean that you have failed in getting sexy again. It’s just a sign that you are able to process more of the repressed emotional content from your trauma. It is important to allow for the space to stop during sexual acts, without guilt. Doing the sexy thing is going to be different each time. It’s okay if what felt good yesterday doesn’t feel good today.
7. Keep the convo going
This won’t all happen in one conversation or one time of naked cuddling, mutual masturbation or massage. This will take time, so keep the lines of communication open. Have the difficult conversations and keep engaging but do not stop being open. It is an important part of making sure that you remain safe in the sexual interaction. If you are willing to do the work, schedule regular conversations about it so that you can keep track of where you are at. Scheduling it also means you have time to think and prepare for a potentially difficult conversation. But know it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom, it can be a nice time spent together having a convo that is important for your sex life and building intimacy.
Communication is key to getting to a place where you can engage sexually in a way that is happy and healthy and does not push back against your traumas. Communication allows for constant checking in. Remember it should be done in a neutral place, not when you are about to have the sex.
Having sex after trauma is possible, never believe that it is not. If it is what you want then you can get there but it will take some time. It can also look like anything you want to, and you can shape your sex life as you please. There are so many ways to have sex (as you can see in this guide) so do not pressure yourself to have sex one way or another or force yourself to be having sex at all. It is about living and being comfortable in your body so take the steps and space you need to. It is about getting to a place of having a happy, healthy sex life.
8
HOW TO END THE SEX: BREAKING UP LIKE A BOSS
Tapiwa Guzha and Tiffany Kagure Mugo
Sometimes people’s thoughts cannot be separated and that is the case here. Call it a hivemind. This section was written alongside my fave Tapiwa.
Things change. One minute things are on and poppin’, next thing you don’t even want to see the person’s WhatsApp status let alone their naked body. People and relationships grow, regress or even stagnate. Should you find yourself in the place where at least one of you is no longer interested in a sexual relationship, your messy and oftentimes petty side can show up and wreak havoc. Sometimes it is you who wants to get out and you do things you might not be proud of later on.
In this difficult time we often develop single-minded approaches to dealing with conflict. We lose our ability to empathise with our partners and often fail to see any other perspectives. It is easier to survive the storm that is to come if we can blame it all on the other person. We see only their flaws and seek out affirmation from people in our lives who loyally agree with us even if you both know you are wrong, deep down. We focus on the faults of the other person, either to make ourselves feel better about leaving or to feel better about being abandoned.
It is often harder if the other person decides that the sexy times must end. We feel abandoned and rejected and insist that the other person’s decision to end the sex is all about us and not remotely relevant to them and what they need and want.
Humans are egocentric. But sometimes it is not you. It is them. And that is okay. Do not succumb to the idea that it is always about you (much as we feel it could be). Let’s try to not burden ourselves with that.
Other times it really is you and a little self-reflection couldn’t hurt. Finally, much like the rest of life, things aren’t always cut and dried. Sometimes it’s also a matter of everyone involved contributing to the collapse of this particular human interaction. That’s also okay.
While sex can be
