separation, keep to them for as long as they are the healthy thing to do. It can be tempting to want to reach out, follow online, start having sex again etc. and this can leave you in a worse-off position once you have regained your senses. Think about what you want may do to the other person, even if it may feel good for you. Also consider the repercussions once the initial ‘good’ feeling passes. Will it feel great to have called and said how much you miss them sitting on your face? Will it feel good to hang out with their friends in order to feel close to them?
Delete that cellphone number if you know you and alcohol have been known to call people at 2 am. It is not a ‘mistake’ simply because tequila is the one who had the phone and not you.
You don’t have to stop being in each other’s lives
So, the sex is over. It could be hard to still interact because now you could feel that the most important part is also gone.
This could be the case.
Sometimes the sex was well and truly the only bond.
But sometimes there was more to it.
Many of us have learnt that sexual relationships are all or nothing kinda experiences and sex is an intrinsic part of that interaction. Without it everything falls apart and going back to a sex-less state of connection is somehow backtracking on your intimacy and the quality of the connection. However, if this person is a significant part of your life, surely you’d still benefit from a continued friendship? Establish new boundaries and keep each other in check but definitely fight for your friendship. You can still be just as close and have long-lasting and fruitful friendships. You don’t have to hang out all the time or hear about or meet their new partners but it’s quite possible. Part of your emotional intelligence (EQ is real, people) is being able to make rational and healthy choices even in the face of what you’ve been taught is unnatural. Think for yourself and assess these evolving dynamics for yourself, from person to person.
Break-ups and ending sexual/romantic relationships can be difficult and will have a different impact on different people. What is best is to make sure you are taking care of yourself and also not causing any harm as you draw yourself towards yourself and rebuild after the storm.
The end of the sex is as important as the start. Ending the sex in a healthy and wholesome way will not only make it so that you can have great new sex but also make sure that you are okay moving forward as a single happy human. It is an important part of putting down that heavy baggage that can come with a break-up, having a proper game plan can make it a whole lot better.
Tapiwa doesn’t believe in kinks and fetishes. He’s a ‘Yes man’ who’s ready and willing to try all the things, all the time. Tiff wrote this book. You know her.
9
GET THAT CROTCH TIGHT: GETTING STRONG FOR SEX
One motto everyone should live by is drink your water, do your squats and stay in your lane. This axiom should also apply to your sex life. There are ways to keep your sex parts at peak ‘summer body’ levels all year long. Strong healthy muscles are never a bad thing. Kegels are for everyone, both those with a penis and vagina (vulva), everyone can keep it right and keep it tight.
Why should you do kegels? Because research tells you to.
According to those ‘in the know’, kegels exercise the group of muscles which help increase blood flow to the groin and are active during sex. Studies have found that strengthening the pelvic floor muscles can improve sexual function, such as erections, orgasms and ejaculations.
We all pee. This means that kegels can be done by everyone. Often people think they are just for people with vaginas but no they are for everyone and use the exact same technique and muscles.
A good way to identify the muscles initially is to stop your urinal flow midstream. Feel that? Those are the muscles I’m talking about.
How to do kegels
Once you identify the necessary now it is time to do the work.
You ready?
•Now tighten. Tighten those muscles like you are in the middle of a concert and there is no way out. Like you are in the queue at the bank and nearing the front and cannot leave now.
•Hold for 5 seconds.
•And release.
•Now repeat.
•Don’t slack.
•Commit.
•One more time.
Nice one.
(This exercise can also be done when you are peeing, just make sure you completely empty your bladder after the final kegel as when holding back pee some could be left behind and we don’t want bladder infections. Try to do this when you are not peeing because it could lead to bladders that are not empty. Use it mainly to find the muscles then do the exercises … everywhere).
Like any exercise the stronger you get, the longer you can hold. As they say in the gym circles, ‘Never skip genital day, dude.’ (Or maybe not, because that might not be appropriate in a sweaty setting.)
For those with vaginas/vulvas: Think of it as if you’re trying to lift a small stone with your vagina. Tighten and pull up. Hold for 10 seconds. And release.
10
CONDOMS ARE CUMMIN’: INTERNAL, EXTERNAL AND PUTTING IT ON PROPERLY
You think you know how to put on a condom, right? Get hard, get it on and then get it on. Simple.
But the truth is there are things you probably forget or don’t know when it comes to using a condom.
And probably never really learnt.
Condom use is suspiciously absent from the public space. Other than having someone slip one from out of their pocket in a ‘safe sex advert’, movies and TV shows rarely, if ever, show people putting on a condom let alone showing you how to do it. You’d think that all people with a penis simply have one on all day every day, like underwear or a watch. Or people on TV are not using protection, which everyone should absolutely be doing. Condoms make sex so much safer (wildly so) protecting you from a whole host of STIs as well as pregnancy.
Let’s kick off with the fact that there are two types of condoms: internal condoms and external condoms.
Not only do condoms come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, bumps and grinds but they now can be inside the body or outside the body.
Internal condom: previously known as the female condom, this is a condom that can be inserted inside the body (vagina or anus). The internal condom was first introduced in 1993 but hasn’t quite gone viral yet, i.e. it’s not really a bestseller, but it is out there. They (currently) do not have as wide a range as external condoms. Basically you’d be hard pressed to find a cherry-flavoured internal condom even though adding flavoured lube is a good DIY fix in the meantime. There is some evidence of the internal condom floating about ancient Greece, usually made of a goat’s bladder. For the love of sex there were people
