a part of safe sex practices because emotional and mental safety is as much a part of safe sex as is physical safety. Include this as part of the convo.
7. No such thing as a ‘filthy word’
Speaking about the sex that you want can be difficult. One thing sexologists/therapists find is that people often have difficulty verbalising their sexual wants. This is where a little research can help you find the right words for what you want to say. Research can help you describe what you want or allow your partner(s) to see what you mean, without the use of awkward diagrams or hand signals (see Tip 5). In speaking about your sex, practice makes perfect.
8. Ask if you can have the sex(y) convo
Speaking about sex is not something everyone is comfortable with or can just do at a moment’s notice, even with a partner. Asking if you can speak about your sex life gives them time to prepare themselves for the convo and also gives them space to raise anything they want to raise to make your sex life poppin’! In addition, it creates a safe space where you and your partner(s) can have open and clear conversations.
9. Choose a time and place where you are not butt-naked
Unless you are on a date on a nude beach, try to have the conversation with your clothes on. The pressure to speak about sex is deep enough without it being compounded with the pressure of being in the middle of the act. Take the pressure off the physical part of the conversation (whilst also making it more focused and intentional) by picking a time and place where you are just chilling, say when doing laundry or out for dinner or even just having some Netflix without the chill. Having heightened emotions when speaking about ‘the sex’ won’t work well for either party so do it at a time when you are both relaxed (see Tip 8 for asking if you can speak about the sex).
10. Be open to what each of you has to say
The conversation about increasing sexual desires is not always going to be easy. Sometimes people will be shocked. And the fear that we are going to be judged about the things we want is what keeps us hiding our sexual wants and needs. Sometimes the other person will reveal some startling things themselves. The point of the conversation is to make sure that you are kind and honest. No shaming of desires or allowing your desires to be shamed because, as long as it does not hurt anyone or anything, it is all natural. There are so many different ways to have sex and as long as they are not harming anyone, are 100% consensual and do not involve any breaking of international human rights conventions, then you are good to go!
11. Go into the conversation with a positive mindset (it could go really well)
You want to have great sex. Your partner wants to have great sex. If you come into the space with this mindset then nothing can truly go wrong because you both want the best from the conversation and the situation. This also includes using positive language. Rather than accusatory ‘You do not do this or that’ make it ‘I love this and would love more’, ‘I am so into that and would love to try it with you …’ This eases potential drama that is the act of ‘adding new things to your sex life’.
12. Be willing to come to an understanding that works for everyone
Listen to the other person and hear what they have to say. Even if you initiated the conversation it does not mean it is all about you. Sex is a two-way street, an interaction, and should be treated as such. If someone is not comfortable with something, then reach a joint decision on how to go forward but also be willing to be open to the wonderful sexual fantasies of others. Active consent for engaging in sexual activities together is key, so build a framework that works within this idea: we both want to be here doing this. Also know that the person may need time to digest what it is you have said, so give them that space to do so. Saying ‘I love to be spanked and have my hair pulled’ does not instantly mean they will suddenly produce a belt from behind the bed and start doing the whipping.
13. Leave your ego at the door
Remember that speaking about the sex you want is not about slamming the sex you have, but about building on it. No matter where your sex life is there is always space to grow and improve so do not take the conversation as saying ‘The sex is trash and I am so unsatisfied I could scream’ and do not present it that way either.
The collective ‘sexual ego’ can sometimes take a knocking if people bring up wants and needs because media teaches us that you can meet a random at a bar and suddenly you are having the best sex of your life against the wall. Although sometimes anonymous one-night stands can be flames, so can having sex that is unpacked and spoken about because then desires can be explored to their full extent.
14. Monitor and evaluate your cummin’ and going
Like any good group project, you need to make sure that you are doing the things right. You have put in all this time and effort and you should check that it is all working out. In light of this you should be checking in with your partner and they should be checking in with you. The act of communication and making sure everyone is in a good space (even when sex is not happening at the moment) is so important, so take time to actively sit and chat about your sex life. It can be tricky but this is circling back to the very beginning, speaking about the sex.
15. Enjoy yourself
Sex is about enjoyment. Sometimes it’s about making babies. Sometimes it’s about making money. But always try to enjoy yourself. Know that your wants and needs are valid and that pursuing them does not make you some sort of sexual deviant but a normal happy human being.
6
YOU GETTING TESTED OR NAH? ON HAVING SAFE SEX
‘I think I will get the chips on the side. By the way, do you have herpes?’
*Awkward silence descends. Waiter slinks away.*
Sexual health is important and involves asking the hard questions. But the truth of the matter is this conversation is one that is extremely tricky. People’s sexual history and the possible consequences of it are a private, scary and sometimes painful matter.
There are a whole host of things that could fly under the radar when it comes to sexual health, either because people have not wanted to get tested, or may not have thought to get tested for something. Some folks may have picked up something unknowingly. Some STDs and STIs do not have symptoms so they lie there, lurking, waiting for the right time to make things super tense between lovers.
This is why getting tested and then keeping safe is so important.
One thing you must note is that anyone who denies you the ability to have safe sex is well and truly not worth your time. If you bring up things like getting tested or using condoms and the person holds it against you, get your most comfortable shoes on and keep on walking. Using protection is a way of not only caring for yourself but also for your partner(s).
We have all seen the Facebook confessionals where people are complaining that they did not know that this partner had this and that partner had that. And how someone ‘looked clean’. What does that even mean? Is there a certain sort of hue that signals STDs?
One of the great things about getting tested is that you can then take precautions. Having an STI shouldn’t be the end of the possible sexcapades. There are a whole host of treatments, ways of protecting yourself and also ways to have sex that can keep sex safe and fun.
People often shy away from actively engaging with their sexual health history because:
•They are scared of the results.
