and Bill smiled, satisfied I was cool with whatever was going to happen. ‘Right, let’s get the music turned off and give you a big build.’
‘Why not?’
Bill nodded to the barman. ‘Crowther, switch that racket off.’
Crowther was already busying himself freshening Bill’s glass. He hesitated, unsure of which order to obey first, then did them both at once, laying the drink on the counter with one hand and killing the sounds with the other. Bill ignored him, turning the swizzle stick in his brandy and soda.
‘Remember, keep it brief. Forty-minute set max – thirty would be better.’
He took a last slug of his drink and made his way towards the small dais to present me. There was no calling for attention, no tinkling of teaspoons on glasses. Bill just stood there and the room grew quiet. I glanced at Montgomery. His face wore a small smile. The kind Stalin was reputed to wear after a good week. Bill’s voice cut through the silence.
‘Gentlemen, this is a special evening, the retirement of James Montgomery, one of the finest police officers it has been my pleasure to know, and I’m sure yours to work with.’
There were murmurs of agreement and Hear hears from the men at the tables. A couple of those near to Montgomery leaned over and patted him on the back. Montgomery nodded, whatever his attributes modesty wasn’t one of them. I wondered how sincere Bill was, why he was giving the address and not one of the squad.
‘I know you had a posh gathering on Wednesday with the Chief Constable, so you’ll have heard your quota of speeches for a while.’
There was laughter at this. Someone shouted, too true.
‘So tonight for your delectation and entertainment we have The Divines.’ There was a cheer from the audience and the sound of deep nervous laughter from some of the men. Bill held up his hand for silence. ‘A pair of very beautiful young…’ he hesitated as if searching for the right word. ‘Dancers.’ More laughter. ‘But before we meet them we have a very special guest. It’s well known that Inspector Montgomery is a worker of wonders. Indeed, he’s got so many illusive convictions he’s been christened the Magician. So, in tribute to Inspector Montgomery’s well-earned retirement I’d like to ask you to put your hands together for William Wilson, mentalist and magician.’
Half-hearted clapping scattered across the room and suddenly I thought that maybe I should start doing kids’ parties. At least some of them might believe in magic. There was a fraction of hesitation, then the barman put on the CD I’d given him and mysterioso music drifted across the room. I walked up onto the stage and stood there silently for a moment with my head bowed, hands folded in front of me, letting the soundtrack do the work, then slowly raised my eyes, keeping my stare level, my mouth serious, wishing I had a lovely assistant to flash her legs and take some of the heat off me. The music died and I cast my gaze across the room, grave as Vincent Price’s Van Helsing revealing the presence of vampires.
‘Welcome.’ I paused, making eye contact with as many of the audience as I could. ‘Gentlemen, there are mysteries beyond our control, wonders that even the greatest scientists are powerless to explain. Tonight I am going to look into the unknown and explore some of these strange and perplexing phenomena.’ The crowd stayed silent, I stepped off the dais and approached a thin man sitting towards the front of the gathering. ‘Sir, would you mind standing up for me please?’ The man got to his feet. He was tall and lank, with receding hair and a good-natured drink-fuddled face.
‘What’s your name, sir?’
‘Andy.’
‘Nice to meet you Andy.’ I shook his hand, staring him in the eyes and slyly unfastening his watch. ‘Let me ask you Andy, do you believe that there are powers we don’t understand?’
‘I believe in the DPP.’
The crowd laughed and I smiled indulgently.
‘I see that you’re a married man, Andy.’
He nodded unimpressed.
‘How did I know that?’
He held up his left hand with its gold marriage band.
‘Quite right, the powers of observation.’ I smiled round the room, giving him his moment of reassurance, then raised my voice. ‘But this evening I am going to reveal to you things that the powers of observation would be powerless to divulge.’ I made my tone more conversational. ‘Andy, I would imagine that in your profession well-developed powers of observation are essential?’
Andy nodded.
‘That’s true.’
‘A good memory for a face?’
He nodded again.
‘I believe so.’
‘Have we ever met before?’
He shook his head slowly, cautious as a man on a witness stand.
‘Not to my knowledge, no.’
‘You’ve never arrested me?’
‘Not to my recollection.’
‘So you would be surprised if I could guess your rank?’
He shrugged.
‘Possibly.’
‘Come a little closer would you please, Andy?’ The man looked around at the audience smiling. I said, ‘Don’t worry, the force is with you.’ And he stepped forward an inch. ‘May I place my hand on your shoulder?’ He hesitated and I stage-whispered, ‘No need to be coy.’ The audience laughed, the volunteered man gave a brief nod and I reached up, resting my hand gently on his right shoulder. ‘I would say, Andy,’ – ‘that you are’ – I paused again – ‘a sergeant.’ I removed my hand and he nodded to the crowd, who gave me a brief scatter of applause. I bowed, keeping my expression restrained. ‘I suppose that’s vaguely impressive. But maybe I could guess that from your age and the fact that you look fairly intelligent. So let me go a little further.’ There was an ooooh from the audience. The man stepped back, clowning a slight mince. The men at his table laughed and I shook my head in mock exasperation. ‘Calm yourself, Sergeant. I’ve told you that you’re married, but as you’ve confirmed we’ve never met before so there’s no way I could tell you the name of your wife.’
A voice came from the audience. Not unless you saw it written on the wall of the gents.
Andy shouted, ‘Oi, watch it.’ Taking the joke in good part.
I held up my hand for order.
‘I see a good-looking woman …’ The crowd ooohed obligingly again and I traced an S in the air, making it sexy like the cartoon outline of a woman’s body. ‘Her name is … Sarah … no not Sarah, something similar, Suzie … Suze … Susannah.’ The man’s face was pleasingly bemused. He nodded and the crowd clapped. I held up my hand, silencing them. ‘You have children … two lovely daughters … Hai… Hail … Hailey and Re-e-e-e-Rebecca.’ Andy was smiling now, nodding his head to the room. Again the applause and again I held my hands up to stop them. ‘You also have a dog?’ This was dodgy,
