neat pen looked pretty recent. Andy nodded. ‘Your dog is called …’ I hesitated a beat beyond the audience’s expectation and the room grew still, half-hoping I’d make it, half-hoping I’d fail. ‘Your dog is called, “Peeler!”’ The small audience erupted into applause and I bowed, relieved to find policemen as gullible as the rest. ‘How’re we doing for time, Sergeant?’
Andy looked at his wrist, and then looked at me.
‘Has anyone got the time?’ There was a confusion of murmurs as the men I’d selected each noticed their missing wristwatches. ‘Ach, it’s fine, I’ve got it here.’
I pulled up my left cuff to reveal the half-dozen watches fastened round my wrist. As things go, they were a good audience. I fed them more facts from filched wallets, keeping the action brief and cheeky, then kicked into the finale.
‘Now, I know you’re keen to see The Divines.’ There was a stamping of feet and a jungle-drumming of hands against tables. ‘Let me assure you they are most definitely divine. But first I’ve got another young lady I’d like you to meet. Welcome to the lovely, the delicious, the truly scrumptious Miss Candy Flossy.’
Candy slunk in doing her best impersonation of a vamp. She would have looked prettier if she’d smiled, but she was doing me a favour. I grabbed her by the hips, putting myself behind her bulk and doing a leer over her shoulder for the benefit of the audience.
‘Candy’s agreed to help me out.’
There were a few wolf whistles and catcalls.
You can help me out anytime love.
You can touch my truncheon.
Feel my new extending baton.
Try on my handcuffs.
Play with my helmet.
And I thought that perhaps they weren’t such a pleasant audience after all.
There are many ways to cut a lady in half. If you have the resources you can fashion jazzy coffins fixed with bewilderments and employ a girl who can contort herself so well it’s a waste to put her in a box. But my brand of the effect relied on a not-so-innocent-looking buzz-saw of the type you might see in an old-fashioned sawmill. It was an appearance of mere penetration where others managed dismemberment. But the kind of audiences I entertained were amused by it.
I steeled a serious tone to my voice and said, ‘My final trick is so dangerous that only a very few members of the magic circle are initiated into its secrets. Should my concentration be disturbed at any point during its execution,’ Candy shuddered and I put my hand on her shoulder, ‘this young lady might lose one of her lovely limbs,’ I hooked the hem of Candy’s dress with my wand and slid it upwards. She smacked my hand away before I’d revealed more than her calves. I gave the wand an impatient slap. ‘I’m sorry. My wand has a life of its own. But I’m sure you’ll agree, gentlemen, that any injury to these fine pins would be a tragedy.’ There was a gallant rumble of agreement from the tables. ‘Therefore I’m going to ask you for silence while we prepare to amaze you.’
They were men more used to giving directions than receiving them, but they quietened down a little, the drinkers at the bar lowering their voices as they gave their orders to the barman.
I dipped them a brief bow, then made a show of pulling the saw’s fake chain, at the same time surreptitiously pressing the button that started the sound effect. The noise was as deafening as a motorbike stripped of its silencer. I’d warned Candy, but she took a step back. A show of nervousness was good, but only if she didn’t bolt. I grasped her firmly her by the arm and hissed, ‘Remember what I told you, it’s all show.’
The big girl’s breasts quivered, she glanced towards the bar and Bill gave her a nod.
She whispered. ‘You promise it won’t hurt?’
‘Do you really think I’m going to slice you in two in front of the filth? No, course not. It’s all smoke and mirrors sweetheart.’ Candy winced, but she let me sit her on the table then swung her legs up, modestly holding her skirt to her, but still revealing a flash of fishnets that drew some whistles from the audience as she sank slowly onto her back. I thought I saw tears trembling in her eyes. I gave her a wink and locked a small box around her waist, turning to the policemen and shouting over the noise, ‘Those of you who do a lot of shift work might like to know that this doubles as a chastity belt.’ I started to move the saw, knowing that from their angle it would look like I was cutting through the girl. Candy’s eyes were leaking now, but her smile was a little braver. I twisted my face, trying to look like the kind of crazed personality that might indeed saw a woman in half, but ran a finger reassuringly down her waist. I let the saw complete its journey then did an evil, heh, heh, heh to the audience. Candy looked up at me, unsure whether it was working. I winked again willing her to keep silent.
There was a wave of applause and then the catcalls started.
I know which end I’d like.
Come round to my place and do that to the Missis, that’s the only half of her I need.
Naw, mine’s talks out of her arse anyway.
I unlatched the box, grabbed a giant silk flag painted with red and black flames, shielded Candy with it while she detached herself from the equipment and got to her feet. I waved the flag three times and forced her into a bow.
‘Shit, he’s put her back together again,’ said a boozy voice from somewhere in the audience.
I slipped twenty quid into her hand and she went off to tend to her coats, while I took a final bow.
*
Bill slid into a booth with a good view of the dance floor. I slipped in opposite him with my back to the action. The mirror angled on the wall above Bill’s head caught the room in a convex swirl, flinging it back in a distorted haze of lights and colour. I sipped my drink. A Middle Eastern beat that was all drums and pipes started up. Bill put his glass down and looked beyond me towards the stage.
‘You been looking forward to this?’
I shrugged and wondered where Sam had got to. Whatever hopes I’d had of catching the last race of the night were lost.
Two tall black shadows glided across the floor. At first I couldn’t make out what they were. Perhaps the audience were confused too, they had fallen quiet, the men at the bar no longer keeping stiff-faced Crowther busy with a barrage of rounds.
Bill laughed. ‘Christ, we’re going to have a fatwa on our hands.’
He shook his head, amused, looking confident of his ability to stave off any attack. The shadows slid into focus and I realised that Shaz and Jacque had draped themselves in burkahs. They stood nun-black, with just a mesh of fabric to see through, swaying with the music, twirling round in a dance that looked traditional, but was probably made up. It was impossible to see what their bodies were doing beneath the robes, but I bet it would be lithe and smooth. The only part of them uncovered was their feet, tripping soft and dainty against the dance floor.
Together the girls raised their right hands and with a delicate move unhooked the grilles that veiled their eyes. The sparkles glistering from the makeup that jewelled their eyelids caught
