hire as much help as you can afford or see fit.
The second shift
Housework and raising children are legitimate work that has been marginalized, ironically at the same time women have gained equal opportunity in the paid workforce.
Time and energy are required to create a home and care for children. Someone must be willing to plan and create the continuous stream of meals, routines, medical care and activities, to manage children and/or child care.
If both parents are employed, someone must oversee the cadre of people who replace the domo-gurus, my gender neutral term for stay-at-home parents who provide an estimated $134,000 of services annually if bought in the marketplace. Running a household and raising children require so much energy that full-time domestic-gurus can’t do everything.
The women’s movement gave women new opportunities and economic independence. Women inherited a double burden. We come home to the second shift, whether or not we have children.
Multiple studies show that employed women perform a disproportionate amount of housework compared to their husbands. Sadly, we women accept it and train our sons and daughters to fulfill the same prophesy. To change the expectation that women are house servants, expect boys and girls to contribute equally inside and outside of the house, without regard to gender.
Everyone at our house did yard work and took turns mowing the lawn. Our oldest daughter, Casey despised mowing the lawn and often paid her brothers when it was her turn. I didn’t interfere because it was not my problem. The boys did dishes, cooked and cleaned.
Gender equity in housework starts at home.
Schedule the time
We scheduled family work time a few times a year when we had two outside careers and teenagers. It was often challenging to find an hour to rake leaves together. If everyone but Noah could join us on Saturday at 1 pm, we left a section for Noah to rake alone. It’s more fun to do it together, but we all wanted Noah to do his fair share.
It sent the message to Noah, “We depend on you and value your contribution.”
Tweens and teens have higher skill levels, and unfortunately, less motivation to use them. They become experts at inventing excuses, sleeping late and “forgetting.”
If young people pitch in 80 to 90 percent of the time with a positive attitude, give them a “Get out of Work Free Card” when they’re tired, stressed or too busy. When Casey had a part in a play, she got a “Get out of Work Free Card” during performance week.
We always welcomed more hands on deck. When a friend gave us an above-ground pool, the children were between age 11 and 18. I asked everyone to help Bob and I set up the pool over a Memorial Day weekend.
Even though the pool was primarily my idea, everyone was willing to help because working together is part of our family culture. Noah’s girlfriend at the time, Kendra, readily joined us in moving a ton of sand (yes, one ton) to line the bottom.
Like our own children, Kendra enjoyed the benefits of being part of our family and accompanied us on family vacations. Her presence triggered this formula: Family plus or minus one changes the dynamic. When another person joins a family temporarily, it triggers this formula:
X (Family) + 1 / -1 = X1
X1 differs from X. The extra person changes how family members relate to each other, usually for the better. It was easy to add another potato to the pot and squeeze them into the van. Likewise, when one family member was absent, we all had one less relationship to manage and it shifted how we interacted.
Kendra spent a weekend with us at a condominium we rented for ski season. Every Sunday afternoon we cleaned together for an hour in order to return to a clean place the following weekend.
“Mrs. Tordella, is there anything I can do?” Kendra asked while I scrubbed the kitchen.
“Um, sure,” wondering what was left to do so she could be a part of our family. The one vacuum was humming. One person can comfortably clean a bathroom. Others were loading the car. Wanting to include Kendra, I remembered a place that was usually overlooked and avoided.
“The entryway needs cleaning.”
“Sure,” Kendra said. Because the one mop was in use, I handed her a rag and a bucket of water to wipe the three-by-three foot tiled area. It was a five minute job to clean up several layers of grime, sand and salt.
Noah emerged from cleaning the bathroom and saw his girlfriend on her hands and knees at the dirtiest spot in the house.
“Mom, you asked Kendra to clean the floor with her bare hands? Gross! I can’t believe you did that. She’s a guest.” Noah railed.
“Noah, she asked what she could do to help,” I said.
“I can’t believe you asked her to do such a disgusting job,” Noah said.
Ironically, Kendra didn’t mind. Growing up in a single-parent household, Kendra had more jobs at home than Noah. According to my survey, single-parent families are more likely to have a chore system in place out of necessity.
Kendra knew her contributions were valued and dirt is harmless. I respected Kendra for her willingness to pitch in. It made her a welcome addition to our family during the years she dated Noah.
The story has gone down in the annals of our family history as a test of new girlfriends and boyfriends. Another test is to determine if they’re willing to make fools of themselves while playing group games like Charades. One boyfriend failed the Charades test, to our horror. He was soon replaced.
Children can be expected to enjoy the benefits as well as the responsibility of being in a family. When children have all of the rights and none of the responsibility, it’s like a Petri dish to cultivate entitlement. You will become their servant. Parents need to set up a system, follow through and embrace the Zen of work.
When tots-to-teens have age-appropriate jobs around the house they receive an attitude and skill set that will benefit them for the rest of their lives. They will develop a discipline: to show up when promised, and do what was promised, even if they don’t feel like it.
Never too early to start
My mother was one of the top Avon ladies in the Pioneer Valley of Massachusetts, an endeavor she started in 1980 when I was 2 years old.
From my stroller, I was responsible to hand-deliver Avon books and orders to customers and to behave while my mother worked.
I grew up with the unquestionable knowledge that helping mom with her business was a family responsibility. In addition to selling Avon, my mom started working for two other direct marketing companies. At age 11, I took on a paper route.
My younger brother and mother followed suit. We managed three paper routes, my mother’s three businesses and the household. I’m proud to say that I split the cost of my college education with my parents.
Today,
