Consistency is the cure
Being a good parent is like training a dog. A dog owner must be slightly smarter than the dog, and deliver a simple and consistent message. Dogs read non-verbal cues and respond to expectations. You cannot change the dog’s behavior. You can only motivate the dog to make different choices by changing your behavior and using positive reinforcement.
Without boundaries, dogs can be dangerous wild beasts that can destroy your home and attack humans. When treated harshly, dogs can also become mean. Dogs do not have the capacity to lead the family as Alpha.
The same can be said of children. When treated harshly, children can become mean bullies and emotionally scarred. Children do not have the capacity to lead the pack. They need boundaries and a leash. Children can be trained using the same tactics as dogs: by using encouragement, clearly defining Alpha, and setting safe boundaries. Good behavior earns them a longer leash.
The big difference between dogs and children is that dogs never leave home, but we want young adults to leave home. By age 12, young people can hold their own leash and must be ready to make good independent decisions.
It’s easier to do it myself
Some skeptical readers may be thinking, “This takes time and effort. It’s easier to do everything myself than to get my child to help.”
Perhaps you have teenagers and despair of getting them to do anything they don’t want to do.
As I say to my husband, “You’re right, honey.” Getting children to contribute around the house requires an investment of expectation, time and effort. In the short term, it is easier for parents to be slaves or hire people to do the dirty work around the house.
If parents do everything for children or hire help, children have more time for activity-mania and sugared-screen-time. Parents can accept young people’s refusal to contribute to the household. Parents can criticize and shake their heads over shoddy jobs done by teens to sabotage parents’ efforts and convince them give up getting them to work around the house.
Parents who quit will avoid the battle and lose the war. Such parents will become their child’s servant and cultivate entitlement, which leads to battles that last longer than a standoff over cleaning a toilet.
If parents do not set up a chore system, they miss an opportunity to teach children self-discipline -- the ability to do something whether you feel like it or not.
Being counted upon to contribute regularly around the house benefits children on a number of levels. They belong. They are needed. They are important. What they do matters so much that their parents are willing to follow through.
Even when children and teens resist and yell at the top of their lungs, “I am not your servant!” make sure that they finish whatever they’re working on. Smile to yourself and think, “Nor am I your servant.”
Work can’t always be fun
Walter’s two teens have never had regular chores around the house because when Walter was growing up, “I had to clean toilets, mow the lawn and do dishes all of the time. It wasn’t fun,” he said.
Walter and his wife either do the home chores or hire help, except when the tweens volunteer for fun chores. “When we got a riding lawn mower, the kids both wanted to drive it because it was fun,” Walter said. “We’ll see how they turn out with this approach,” Walter said.
Walter and his wife are software engineers. Walter comes home to a plethora of hobbies. He and his son are overweight. They are a typical American family in many ways.
It will be interesting to see how Walter’s children navigate in a world where not every task is fun, and jobs require self-discipline.
Expectations yield results
We parents do so many things for our children. Dreikurs implores parents to never do anything for a child that she can do for herself.
Would you believe that first graders can make their own lunch, with parents’ assistance? Children are more likely to eat lunches they prepare. It teaches them responsibility and self sufficiency. It frees parents from the role of servant.
My children’s lunches stood out at school. “Mom, most kids get their lunches made for them,” Ian said when he was 7 years old. “Really, Ian. How can you tell?”
“I just can.” I suspect the mother-made lunches were neater.
Would you believe that children as young as 11 or 12 can do their own laundry? I got fed up with finding clean clothes mixed in with dirty clothes to be washed. I taught them how to use the washer and dryer and liberated myself from being their laundry servant. Children as young as 6 years old can operate the machines. Toddlers and up can help out in many laundry tasks alongside of parents.
Would you believe that tweens and teens can paint the house, babysit and drive younger siblings places, go grocery shopping, clean house, do dishes daily, cook and do yard work?
Would you believe tots-to-teens can contribute to the common good without getting paid? Money never changed hands for my children’s contributions other than the standard benefits of room, board and a wide variety of other services provided free of charge. They received allowances until age 12 to be spent at their discretion. The allowances were never tied to behavior, chores, school grades, or used as punishment or reward. They were expected to contribute to the family and share in the rewards.
Put chore theory into practice
You might be thinking, “Getting the children to do chores is one more thing on my ‘to do’ list. I have a hard enough time getting them to get ready for school on time in the morning, do their homework, brush their teeth and stay away from the computer. I’m not sure I can handle one more thing.”
Keep reading. The way to encourage children to contribute is to use a velvet glove combined with holistic positive parenting plan based on encouragement, family meetings, mutual respect, and natural and logical consequences.
Life lessons gained by growing up on a farm
My five siblings and I worked together on a family farm in the 1950s and 1960s. My first outside chores were to gather eggs and tend the garden. Inside, I helped set the table and do dishes, starting at 2 years old.
As I got older, I was in charge of gathering and burning the trash. My father started paying me for farm work when I was 10 -- cutting seed potatoes for 10 cents a basket. That year I started driving the tractor and spraying weeds for $1 an hour.
I believe that the best way to impart your values to children is to work together.
When I married, one of our goals was to re-create that environment for our four daughters, without having to feed and milk cattle twice a day in the freezing cold.
We
