they wearing seatbelts? Going the speed limit? Where they said they’d be?
The practices are simple and the household jobs are easy to incorporate. Start with small steps and think big. Have faith even when your children push back and protest saying, “I am not your servant!” Nor are you theirs.
The meaning of discipline
The Latin origin of discipline is disciple, meaning student. The modern definition of discipline has been misinterpreted as punishment. This positive parenting plan advocates that children learn better through encouragement, natural and logical consequences, family meetings, chores and mutual respect rather than punishment.
As parents, our job is to teach children. Punishment is often irrelevant, unnecessary and harsh. Youngsters usually suffer enough when they make a bad decision.
When I make a bad decision, the accompanying pain reminds me to change my behavior without someone hounding me. Children can learn without being punished, overpowered, grounded, physically harmed, blamed or shamed.
One of my favorite bad examples of teaching children is when a mom (or dad) watches William, 4, hit his sister, 2. Mom grabs William, hits him and yells, “Don’t ever hit your sister again!” It’s an ironic example of what not to do.
Recall the best teacher you ever had – inside or outside of school. That person probably didn’t hit, belittle or threaten you to make a point. Your best teacher probably made learning fun, encouraged you to believe in yourself, challenged you to take risks, celebrated your accomplishments, and consoled you after setbacks.
Parents are tasked with being an ideal teacher by example, usually based on how we were raised. Unfortunately, we’re human, and therefore imperfect. We make mistakes, lose patience, and sometimes just don’t feel like being an ideal teacher in every moment.
Lucky for us, our children forgive us for not being perfect. Lucky for us, every day is a new day when we can try again.
Learning to be a good enough parent and developing patience will spill over into life outside of the family. Raising children is a course in self-development. Parents encounter the extremes of the emotional spectrum. I feel a deeper love towards my children than I ever knew existed. With that love and responsibility comes a range of emotions from love to hate, patience to anger and understanding to frustration.
That range of emotion taught me to have what Dreikurs calls “the courage to be imperfect.” Parenting is the toughest job you will ever love. It takes courage to stick with it.
Act, don’t yak
A key aspect of a positive parenting plan is to say what you mean and mean what you say. Actions speak louder than words. Dr. Sam Goldstein coined the phrase, Act, Don’t Yak. This concept can change how your children relate to you.
Give one firm warning in a friendly voice, and then take action, immediately and without rancor. No exceptions.Children don’t reach the age of reason until age 7, so don’t waste your breath reasoning with little ones.Give up counting to three, bribery, threats, cajoling, multiple warnings, and reasoning. Instead, be quiet and move.
Taking action:
•eliminates “mother deafness,” when parents have trained children to ignore counting to three, bribery, threats, cajoling, warnings, and reasoning;
•eliminates parental anger that comes from feeling out-of-control;
•allows children to feel safe because they learn to develop self-control from their parents’ action;
•establishes a safe, positive and respectful family dynamic; and
•requires parents to choose their battles, and to control their emotions.
With a plan in place, parents can learn to manage their emotions and lower their blood pressure They can enjoy, not endure their children. Parents will develop patience because they have a plan and have learned to wait for children to practice making their own decisions, which prepares them for independence.
The practice of minimizing words and maximizing action applies to tots-to-teens. You will create a more harmonious family atmosphere by issuing firm and friendly boundaries and following through without anger.
It demonstrates personal power to your children. They understand you mean business and you are in charge. They may try to be in charge, but deep down, they know they are not capable. It is overwhelming for a child to have too much power, and eviscerating for children to have too little power.
Write down your most pressing problem
In the spirit of starting small, write down your most pressing problem with your children right now; just about every parent has one, regardless of their child’s age.
Here are some typical most pressing problems.
“My three-year-old won’t go to bed. He stays up, runs around the house and drives us crazy.”
“My 10-year-old won’t get ready for school on time in the morning. I end up driving her to school and I want her to be ready on time to take the bus.”
“My teenager dresses in all black. I worry that he’s into drugs.”
“My children are hard-wired to electronics and I can’t get them unplugged.”
Write down your most pressing problem now and tuck it on a piece of notepaper inside the front cover while you start implementing a positive parenting plan.
The broken vending machine
Imagine you put a dollar into a vending machine for a bottle of water and nothing comes out. The machine keeps the dollar and doesn’t dispense a bottle of water. What is your response? Most likely, you shake the machine, hit it, tip it and flip the cancel button – and still no bottle of water or dollar. Depending on your personality, you scale-up the assault on the machine and shake, hit and tip it, get angry, yell, curse and find the machine’s owner. Your behavior deteriorates when you don’t get what you expect. The same thing may happen when implementing strategies from this book. Your children’s behavior may get worse before it gets better. They may treat you in the same way you treated the broken vending machine. When you don’t respond the way they’re used to, they will shake, holler and protest. They will refuse to believe the machine won’t dispense water or refund their dollar.
Start small
Parents must be resolute: choose your battles, and start with baby steps. Don’t waiver because youngsters can instantly sense a lack of parental confidence. Parents are a child’s first and most significant teacher by what we say, and more importantly, by what we do.
No matter the age of your children, you can start today to respond differently to them. They might be surprised and attempt to convince you to go back to “normal.” However, don’t go back; don’t be the broken vending machine.
Even if you are deeply discouraged and alienated from your children, find the optimistic part of yourself and try again. Pretend your children are stage actors. Create an emotional distance from
