I expected too much from them to handle the extension ladder.
No one was hurt. Bob could easily repair the windows on Saturday. He was at work and escaped the tumult of window-washing.
I began to wear out and wondered how much a professional window washing service would have cost. We finished the windows, which were fairly clean, and put everything away. I pulled some leftovers from the freezer for dinner and collapsed. It was several years before I could find the strength, time and energy for a family window cleaning day.
The risks and rewards of cleaning windows
You may be thinking, “Was it worth it?”
I was optimistic, young, on a budget and motivated to involve them in housework. The children were playful, thrill-seeking and capable. They learned about collaboration, a work ethic, cleaning, and how to use an extension ladder. I pushed the limits of child labor. Bob would have made a big difference. He could handle the extension ladder and would have provided more supervision. I was reluctant to use a precious Saturday to clean windows. So I took on the project alone to reinforce our family values of having fun while working together and saving money.
We often transmitted those values without taking on the ambitious project of cleaning thirty-five windows. The simple act of the children doing dishes nightly -- whether they felt like it or not -- taught self-discipline and reminded them we depend on their contributions.
Taking responsibility for chores overflowed into other areas of their lives almost immediately. The children had the self-discipline to manage their school work from elementary school onwards. They were in charge of practicing their instruments, keeping track of library books, and doing their laundry starting at age 10 or 12.
At 15, Casey got hired at Boston Market. When Noah followed in her footsteps, they gained a reputation for being good workers. Ian came next.
Ian, now 25, said, “When I was growing up, I knew other children didn’t have to do the dishes or pack their own lunch, and I resented it.
“At 14, I got a job at Boston Market where my older brother and sister worked. I found out that our family was known for being excellent workers and realized my mother wasn’t just torturing us. There are dishes that need doing, and everyone should do them. Chores taught me to be self-reliant. Many of my friends are now learning skills I learned when I was 8.”
Their work ethic was basic: show up on time, follow directions and get along with crew and customers. Those simple attributes have served them well through elementary, middle and high school, college and into their careers.
A simple routine of a few childhood chores teaches valuable life lessons. The chores do not have to be as complex as washing thirty-five windows. The children must be held accountable to complete the jobs by an agreed upon time. Most of the chores must be for the common good. No money changes hands, unless the children pay parents for what we do for them.
How to get started
When I announced the window project, my teens said, “No!”
A different approach would have been to say in advance, “The windows need cleaning. I need your help. What day during vacation week would be best for you to help?” Such a request shows mutual respect, a building block to inviting children to contribute. Finesse is required to involve children with housework. A holistic positive parenting plan will grease the wheels and make it easier to involve children in chores.
The goal of this book is to set up a positive parenting plan that uses chores, encouragement, mutual respect, family meetings, and natural and logical consequences.
This positive parenting plan will:
1.Enhance the harmony in your home and prevent entitlement;
2.Involve children from a very young age to share in the work of running a household so you can retire as the house servant;
3.Grow children into teenagers who will make good decisions when they’re 60 miles away going 60 miles an hour.
I judge success by the third goal, to nurture children to make good independent decisions. Three times a shaky voice on the other end of the phone has said, “I've had an accident. Can you come and get me?” They each unbuckled their seatbelt and walked away from the crumpled cars, sober, when they were 60 miles away, going 60 miles an hour.
Accidents happen. Teens make not-so-great decisions all the time. Readers, plead the Fifth Amendment about your adolescence. Hopefully, teens survive and learn from their decisions and the good decisions outweigh the not-so-good decisions.
Ideally, by age 11 or 12, tweens will internalize your values. By the time they’re teens, you can count on them to make good decisions when they’re driving 60 miles an hour and you’re 60 miles away. This book is intended for parents of tots-to-teens.
The sooner you establish a positive parenting plan, the easier you will sail through adolescence – and have skill to navigate in rough waters.
Highlights of a positive parenting plan
Here’s an outline of the positive parenting practices in this book so parents can retire as the live-in servants, and counteract entitlement.
•Set a limit, give one kind and firm warning, and then take action. Implement this one practice and it will transform your children’s behavior and family environment.
•Hold family meetings two to four times a month to determine together children's contribution to the household. Children as young as 3 and 4 years old can attend family meetings. Even 2 year olds can take responsibility for small jobs.
•Follow through to make sure children and teens did what they said they going to do, when they said they would. Be diligent if you want results and choose your priorities – not battles unless you want to fight for power.
•Do not pay children for doing chores unless they start paying you for everything you do and provide.
•Pay children a weekly allowance not related to chores. Expect them to budget it to last the week. Model how to manage money and affluenza (a consuming desire for more possessions).
•Prepare and eat a family meal together three or more times a week. Turn off the TV, ban electronics and talk with each other.
•Practice the art of encouragement instead of praise. This is the heart and soul of setting up a positive relationship with your children. Become an encouragement connoisseur.
•Use natural and logical consequences instead of punishment of reward, unless you like power struggles, revenge and resentment.
•Allow yourself the courage to be imperfect and to learn from your mistakes.
•Learn Adler’s theory of why children misbehave and apply it to your tots-to-teens. See Chapter 17, Name it and Tame it.
The goal is to shepherd children through a calm adolescence to finish high school, technical training or college, have the skills and discipline to live independently, hold down a job and form enduring relationships. To reach the goal, allow them to make small decisions during the first decade so they will make good decisions later
