person of Jesus, it has come together in this book. For this reason and many others, you must keep reading.
WHY YOU MUST KEEP READING
This next sentence will probably be the most important sentence in this book, so please do not flip the page just yet. You must keep reading because God does not like this insecurity at all. God has very astonishing words for people with this insecurity, and it is unlike the self-encouraging words we normally get from therapy sessions. His words are more ones of shock and amazement, much like seeing the devastating effects of an earthquake or a nuclear explosion. Therefore we will need to see from the Bible where such insecurities exist, and why God is angry as a result.
You must continue reading if you have ever said or thought the following: “I never feel like I am good enough for this person.”
“I do not know what he/she sees in me.”
“How could God love me?”
“How could others love me?”
“Why does this person even like me?”
“I am bound to mess up again, I just know it.”
“I need to be like him/her so that I would be noticed.”
“If this is what it takes for them to like me then I will do it.”
“I feel/think I have to be the greatest (mom/dad, husband/wife, student, employee, teacher, boyfriend/girlfriend, evangelist/preacher/teacher) for God and people to really accept me.”
Another reason you must continue reading is because it is imperative that you learn what the heart and mind of a person with this insecurity is. My hope in talking about this insecurity is so much more than to be a deep person who identifies internal issues. My hope for you includes a little bit of that, especially if moving past the surface and getting to the heart level is connected to being a deep person. But more that, I want you to proactively engage your heart and mind so that you can more clearly see which areas of your life where Jesus is going untreasured.
Matthew 22:37 tells us the unique purpose of the heart and mind. “And he (Jesus) said to them, you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and with all your mind.” I am convinced that if your eyes have ever grazed across the pages of the Bible, or if your heart has ever tasted the beauty of Christ Jesus, you then long for these two aspects of your life to be at the pinnacle of all you experience.
Growing more in how you treasure the person, work, and greatness of Christ will take a combination of the Holy Spirit speaking to you and you sitting down and asking yourself hard questions. The first half of this we can’t control specifically because the scriptures remind us, “The wind blows where it wishes and you hear the sound of it, but do not know where it comes from and where it is going; so is everyone who is born of the Spirit.” (John 3:8) The Spirit does whatever it wants whenever it wants. But the latter, we can do something about.
We can never trust nor fully understand the heart as it is mentioned in Jeremiah 17:9, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” But we can certainly be intentional in what we put in there. “I have stored up your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” (Psalms 119:11) “Apply your heart to instruction and your ear to words of knowledge.” (Proverbs 23:12) For this reason, in this book we will attempt to store up wisdom in our hearts and lean our ears on words of knowledge.
Lastly, you must keep reading because you will not want to miss the solution. I can estimate that all the puzzle solvers reading this will attempt to take a stab at this riddle of what the meaning will be. If you think you know already, write it down on a piece of paper, fold it up and go along for the ride to see if you are right. Halfway through the writing of this book I really began to see what God was trying to surface in me. I am eager for the solution to bring Jesus to the front of your heart and, in the process, allow God to move this insecurity out of hiding from you. I can’t wait!
To close this chapter, I want to be very honest with you. It is extremely terrifying to write a book. And not just any book, a book on insecurities at that. Insecurities are not what you would call, the topic everyone wants to read about. I have never written a book before, and I really had no idea what I was getting myself into. In the process, I constantly battled against the inclination to exclude important things that might make me appear foolish.
When I clicked the top of the pen to write in my red spiral notebook, or when I pushed the buttons on my laptop, God was teaching me. God was teaching me that people have some of my same insecurities, if not most of them. I include portions of my story in this book, not for anyone to acclaim my humility—I do so for the glory of Jesus, and for your joy in Him.
By the grace and power of God, I’ve had the joy of winning many battles, some of them against no minor adversaries. I have experienced dramatic victories over sexual sin, addictions, and other equal foes. However, I have not met a foe as fierce as this one. It is terrifying to go to war against such an enemy, but God is rich in His grace and has been the greatest in me, every step of the way.
This is your life. I am simply walking beside you, to help coach you through the process of thinking deeply and differently about your fight of insecurities. You can expect me to straight talk you, and not try to manipulate your emotions. If God is so pressing you to continue the journey with me through the pages of this book, I am glad in my heart, and I encourage you to continue in this life-changing discovery.
2
Surprised by Shame
It was my dream, ever since my clumsy days of elementary school, to play for the National Football League (NFL). Playing tackle football in the street, watching the Green Bay Packers, and roughhousing with my brothers created in me a desire to be in the NFL. With my college graduation ceremony right around the corner, I needed to decide if I wanted to continue on to a professional football career.
I knew that a football career with the NFL would permit me to stand out, and be seen on television. I knew that a NFL career would project me to the front of my class at Montana State University (MSU), as not many players from MSU go to the NFL. There is a lot of training, money, and time that has to be invested to reach a professional level. But the investments were not the primary difficulties in my decision.
Like any athlete, or any person for that matter, once in a while I can psych myself up to pursue a longing for something that I have always wanted, like going to the NFL. So I pursued the NFL, right? Wrong. In the moments of decision, dabbles of insecurities began to infiltrate my mind. I thought to myself, there is at least one six-foot-two, 235-pound defensive end at each school in the US, what makes me any different? I am not. If I do get to the NFL, there is a good chance that I would not be able to maintain what is asked of me. There is no way a NFL team would pick me before so many other capable athletes who bench more or run swifter than I. No way am I good enough or will ever be good enough.
The pressure and scrutiny I put myself under was a weight I could not bear. This was my opportunity to be propelled into fulfilling an ambition that would have at least given me the sense that I was accomplished—but instead I was swallowed up in the belly of the insecurity of greatness.
I was surprised by the shame I felt in these moments, because I was so accustomed to glossing over such feelings with good self-talk. Growing up in my family, we did not process the detailed characteristics of any type of insecurity. My parents without question gave my siblings and me valuable insight on many aspects of our life, like faith in God and our relationships with the opposite sex. And still, I can
