I cannot remember when the word seeped into my vocabulary, perhaps a book I read, by a friend, or a sermon I listened to. At any rate, whenever I had it, I never stopped thinking about it.
As I now diagnose the experiences of my childhood, I can conclude that the topic of insecurities rarely came up in our family because we seemed to naturally know how to be good self-motivators. If we were kicked down by some financial setback or unforeseen family conflict, we did not stay down. When my brother or I made a mistake in our flag football game, we both knew how to layer our mistakes with good self-talk. We were the self-motivators, and as a result, I turned out to be a “good” self-motivator, who was detached from the truth about insecurities.
It is like insecurities are playing a cruel game of hide-and-seek. You remember how hide-and-seek worked when you were a kid? I remember all too vividly. It was always that one boy who had the best hiding spot. He hid for hours and hours until everyone gave up looking for him, and he was forced to reveal himself out of sheer boredom. But when he revealed himself, like the sneaky person he was, he never told anyone (me) where his hiding spot was for fear that his “perfect spot” will be taken. I was never the best hider, so I just hated playing with this kind of kid.
Insecurities are frustrating—just like this kid. We never know where they are hiding, and we give up too soon searching. I know I speak of insecurities as if it were a person or a thing that comes to and fro at will, but I am not crazy. I know that insecurities are emotional and mental facets in our lives. But I figure they are just as real as a person, yet mysteriously hidden. That is the first of three things that we need to know.
The three things we need to know about insecurities are: 1. Insecurities hide. 2. They are hard to admit. 3. They are daunting to fight against.
Before we look at how God responds to people, how others are affected, and how Jesus is treasured less as a result of this insecurity, we need to see how these three deterrents create obstacles. Those will be further fleshed out in this chapter.
INSECURITIES HIDE
We may not think of ourselves as insecure, or believe our insecurities are enough to matter, but we fall victim to insecurities all the time. If it is hiding and we choose not to seek it out, how then will we see how insecurity keeps us from treasuring Jesus the way He is meant to be treasured? Have we all reached the stage in our walk with God where we need not worry about treasuring Jesus? Such thinking would be the opposite of the way Paul lived. “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.” (Philippians 3:12)
For those who are not aware of the plight of insecurities, I know what it is like to have no clue that you deal with them. Before writing this book, when I would get up in the morning to brush my teeth, I never looked in the mirror and said, “Reyshawn, why do you feel like you have to be the greatest in order to be loved?” Number one, that sounds super corny to ask yourself in the mirror, and number two, it takes time to even have thought about a question like that. I ask myself a similar question to that now, though, in many situations I encounter, because this concern is a testament to the tremendous things God has been working in me since I began writing.
Insecurities are usually discovered in a new or hard circumstance. What is a common way some people respond to something new or hard and experience insecurity, but do not think of it is an insecurity? I have mentored, coached, and counseled many students at Montana State University for two years and the University of Washington for a year and a half. I have been out of the country twice, visiting college campuses, sharing the gospel, and coaching them on how to do the same. In my experience, I have noticed some things college-age people have in common, however it can certainly be true of people of all ages.
When something new or hard is upon us and we encounter the feeling of shame, we often pretend there is no shame and blame ourselves for not working hard enough. Saying things like, “I should have been prepared for this. I have to keep getting better.” Instead of seeing shame, guilt, and self-inadequacy, we slap insecurities down and layer it with mottos of, “Work harder” and “Don’t reflect just succeed.”
In my experience I have seen a plethora of scenarios where “not being good enough” at something is associated with weakness. Hence, many avoid thinking about insecurities, saying, “Oh, it is not a big deal. Stuff happens, right? There is no point in me thinking about it.” To them this sounds noble, and on the outside it may look like perseverance. The insecurity is usually later confirmed as I get to know the person and the person’s unique upbringing.
I have also found out, firsthand, that people that I encounter outside of my immediate friends, often link insecurities to appearance. If you look confident and or act confident, no one will think of you as insecure. In other words, if you are shy and quiet, you are deemed insecure. So if you are quiet, you better watch out before the undercover police of insecurity profile you.
There was one day when I went to a book store to buy a book to do research on this topic. As I walked up to the cash register and handed the clerk the book, she noticed that it had the word “Insecurities” on it. She asked, “Is this book for you or someone else?”
I smiled. She smiled back curiously and said, “Well I guess I shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. I guess anyone can be insecure right?” And right she was, because insecurity is my fight even if it is no one else’s. Not only was I shocked to realize this insecurity existed in me, but it is shocking news now to most people when I tell them that I have feelings of “not being good enough,” or that I fear being discovered as “ inadequate.” The responses people usually give me are like what the young woman in the bookstore gave me.
To look at it in another way: our insecurities hide behind our disregard of the terrible workings of our flesh. Or to say it this way: insecurities hide behind the deception of our own innocence as our minds bypass the true desires of our sinful nature. Sometimes we think that our inclinations are that of a newborn baby—innocent, unknowing, and filled with cuteness. We’d like to assume that our desire, be it love, acceptance, or to be noticed, is only a minor request. We may say, “I only just want to feel loved. Is being loved hard to ask for?” True, the aim is just one measly “little thing,” but, then again, the means by which we think we can receive this measly “little thing” are very troublesome.
The apostle Paul is our example of what true self-awareness looks like in relation to how God paints it. “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out…So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am.” (Romans 7:18, 21–24)
From these verses we understand that our innocence means nothing. Paul says that there is a war going on inside of him—war against good and evil, right and wrong, treasuring Jesus and feeding the sinful nature. This insecurity of greatness is a strategy employed by the enemy, who is Satan, who loves nothing more than to ensure sure you need not worry about such an insecurity as this.
Finally, insecurities hide because we only see that which God allows us to see. I cannot rightfully presume that God has revealed that we all have an insecurity of needing greatness for the sake of love. God has certainly embedded this unbelievably profound truth in my heart, and I have spent countless hours researching and thinking through the details that will help you make this crucial discovery as well. However, God must reveal this to you.
I am praying with all my heart that it will be in the process of reading this book that you will make this crucial discovery. I am hopeful that God is doing miraculous things in your heart right now. But
