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You Don’t Know
Anything…!
A Manual for Parenting
Your Teenagers
Nadir Baksh, Psy.D.
and Laurie Murphy, Ph.D.
Copyright 2011 Nadir Baksh, Psy.D. / Laurie Murphy, Ph.D.,
All rights reserved.
Published in eBook format by eBookIt.com
ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-0152-2
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without written permission from the publisher, except in the case of quotes used in critical articles and reviews.
Cover design: Zachary Parker, Kadak Graphics, Prescott, Arizona Interior design and layout: Zachary Parker; http://www.kadakgraphics.com
HOHM PRESS
P.O. Box 2501 Prescott, AZ 86302
800-381-2700
This book is dedicated to parents everywhere whose love endures despite the adversity and aguish of the teenage years.
Acknowledgements
There are so many people who have helped to shape us and had such enormous impact on the direction our lives have taken. Some of these individuals have since passed away, and although they are no longer physically present, their spirit motivates us to work harder, love deeper and never settle for second best. We miss them dearly.
There are those who continue to share their lives with us, especially our parents and children, who have always supported our dreams, loving us despite our shortcomings, or because of them. We love them dearly.
Then there are those unlikely strangers who pass through our lives, and, because of serendipity or chance encounters, become integrally enmeshed in our future. One such person is Regina Sara Ryan, whom we met during the publishing of our first book; at that time we knew her only by her title, Managing Editor. Today, we think of her as a friend and literary godsend, who takes our visions and organizes them into tangible, readable thoughts. She has managed to synchronize our thinking, polish our writing, and sculpt our dreams into reality. We also applaud the staff at Hohm Press, whose dedication brought this book to fruition. We thank them dearly.
Mostly, we thank Divine Intervention, which continues to place us where we need to be, when we need to be there, and moves us forward even when we feel like standing still.
Introduction
There is no deeper love than that of a parent for a child, and it is no surprise that such love is given in all its purity, and generally without bounds. What is a surprise is how quickly this small child, once your staunchest supporter, begins to pull away from you as adolescence approaches. This desperate struggle toward independence is inevitable, yet its vengeance is unexpected, leaving heartache and turmoil in its path. Welcome to the mysterious, dramatic and chaotic world of your teenager! It is during this time that parents must give their children a safe harbor, even from themselves, and wait patiently until their adolescents reestablish equilibrium and emerge as fully grown adults.
We believe that every child has the right to childhood happiness. But, they are not entitled to this right without some concessions, bound by societal rules and regulations and the structure of pa-rental guidance. Love is simply not enough. Parenting a teenager is serious business and cannot be left to serendipity.
The advice and instruction offered in You Don’t Know Anything…! is meant to provide you with a mooring until the seas of teenage rebelliousness and emotions quiet down. These are tumultuous times, and we want to reassure you that, like everything else, they will pass.
We know there are some days when you feel like you are barely holding on. As parents, you can expect to encounter try-ing times, some worse than others, during these next several years. Depending on the personality traits of your child, you can almost predict the degree of upheaval that may shift your life into overdrive. If your child has always been more easygoing and flexible, he or she will probably experience fewer difficulties in these teen years than a child who has always been headstrong and rebellious. Still, it is the rare child who escapes the turbulence of adolescence. Many parents agree that they feel as though they are living in a nightmare, having gone to sleep the guardian of a sweet, innocent, enthusiastic and familiar boy or girl and awaken-ing to a barely recognizable, sullen and disrespectful, overgrown, unruly stranger.
We will be using words such as “adolescent,” “teenager,” “off-spring” and “child” interchangeably, although by strict definition their meanings may vary, particularly with regard to age. However, it is our view that during the teen years nothing can be defined strictly; this passage is marked by blurs of time, shades of age, and brushstrokes of dreams. In You Don’t Know Anything…!: A Manual for Parenting Your Teenagers, we will take into consideration those ages between twelve and eighteen, ending at the general time at which most teens matriculate to college or independent living, although twenty years of age is more commonly thought of as the demarcation into adulthood.
The teen years are filled with many intellectual and physiological changes involving growth spurts, developmental achievements, the appearance of secondary sex characteristics and questions of sexual identity. Equally as important, but less often mentioned, is the recognition that adolescence is also a time of “feeling” unparalleled in any other stage. Your son or daughter is feeling the possibilities that exist in a world just opening up to him or her and suffering the fears that come with breaking away from the warm dependency of the core family to venture into the un-known. Your child’s adolescence will be marked by the longing to turn back to simpler times without responsibility, together with the urge to march forward, armed with little more than dreams of what might be. This book is designed to encourage in you a deeper appreciation of their challenges.
Parenting a teenager can be frustrating as well as frightening, and we will caution you throughout the chapters that follow to not lose sight of the wonderful person your child remains underneath his or her newly developed smart-aleck exterior. If you are frightened, know that he is terrified; if you are confused by some of her behavior, understand that she is totally bewildered by her words and actions. Adolescence is not representative of the person your child is destined to become; your sons and daughters are simply trying to find their way through a maze of hormones and peer pressure.
We agree that it is difficult not to feel betrayed by your teenagers when they seem indifferent to your presence, or as they shut you out of their lives altogether. At the same time, we encourage you not to react childishly, pushing your offspring away in the same manner. Your teenagers need you as much now as they ever have. If you are steadfast in your belief that your children are wonderful, despite their behaviors to the contrary; if you continue to find the good in them, even when they are behaving badly; they will have exactly what they need to make it through this challenging period. They will have you.
The Team Approach
As
