phrase drove you crazy when your parents said it, as much as you vowed you would never torment your children with this statement, when you are pushed beyond your own patience, these seem the only appropriate words to say. In fleeting glimpses, we see that we have become our parents.
Rather than rebelling against your own childhood issues, em-brace those parental teachings that you can now appreciate as an adult, and toss aside those that were hurtful or unfair. Open your mind to the fact that your offspring are finding their way along a rocky path, much the same as you did in your adolescence, making similar mistakes, the result of similar poor choices. Although you are going to have to be firm in your directives, you are also going to have to cut them some slack and pick and choose your battles. It won’t be long before they will leave the nest, and you will give anything for one more day of their presence.
Chapter 3
The Moral Compass: All About Respect
The teenage passage is not without scars. Often parents have a desire to “rescue” their children, hoping to insulate them from painful experiences. This is not only unrealistic, but it interferes with your teenager’s ability to learn how to make better decisions, develop coping skills, and prioritize those things most important in life. Allowing your son or daughter to make their own mistakes is part of separating, and this, of course, is the most difficult part of parenting a teenager.
It is difficult to discard the early years of bedtime stories and goodnight kisses; those times were as important to your children then as giving them space and responsibility is now. Before you allow them to wander too far away from the proverbial apron strings, they must be in possession of a blueprint of life, created by both of you. That blueprint must include the basic principles of manners, decision making, ethics and conduct based upon the value system and moral philosophy that is fundamental in your family. Though these values are individualized and unique to your family, they also serve as a moral compass to most families. For example, the right to be safe from physical or emotional pain is a universal standard, as are integrity, trust, forthrightness, and compassion for the human condition. Many of these standards cannot simply be taught by verbal instruction, but rather must be transmitted through modeling and imprinting. If your behavior is one of respect for others, it is likely your teenager will adopt that philosophy as well.
Drawing the Line, with Respect
When your children were much younger, you taught them not to say anything hurtful to others, even though such comments were spoken in innocence. Similarly, your teenager does not have the right to blurt out hurtful comments but should be expected to use common sense and courtesy as a guide.
Some teens will go out of their way to make especially hurtful and derogatory comments to their parents. Yet these same parents, who so carefully taught earlier lessons to their young children, seem inept at teaching them to their teenagers. Instead, they shoulder the brunt of their teens’ hurtful remarks under the auspices that an adolescent needs to vent angry emotions.
This faulty thinking does a disservice to both of you. If your child has that much pent up anger and aggression, perhaps he or she is in need of counseling to unravel the underpinnings of their rage. Let us all agree that your children, regardless of age, should not be encouraged to utter every thought that comes into their heads without some type of censoring ability and impulse control.
For example, it is not within the standard of acceptable verbiage to announce to one’s parents that they are hated, or stupid, or that they are wished dead. If your adolescent is angry at a punishment you have issued, he or she may vent their feelings and displeasure in the privacy of their room, or to their friends out of earshot and without your knowledge. But to announce such feelings to you directly, or simply in your presence, is dis-respectful and should not be tolerated. Name-calling is a sign of immaturity (which is to be expected) and disrespect (which is not). If you do not execute a consequence, you are doing your teenager a disservice by being a lazy parent. Disrespect is a form of misbehavior that should be identified and dealt with rapidly and without negotiation.
Adam and Cheryl
As soon as the Schneider family entered therapy we knew it was going to take some major restructuring to define each parent’s role with relation to their two children, Adam and Cheryl, ages fourteen and fifteen respectively. From the moment the parents began an attempt to relay to us what they believed the problems were in the household, Adam began talking over his father, accusing him of “not having a clue” what he was talk-ing about. Cheryl chimed in, saying, “Both our parents are so lame, it’s ridiculous that we even have to be here.” Then both teens agreed they had better things to do with their time than to spend it in a therapy session.
Mr. and Mrs. Schneider shrugged their shoulders helplessly and said, “You see, this is what we have to put up with.”
We told the teens that we were here to assist the family to learn better methods of communicating with each other, methods that were based on respect and common courtesy. They looked blank, and bored, until we got their attention by saying, “If your parents agree, all of you will be spending one hour each week with us, working on your ability to be more pleasant and courteous.”
The teens were shocked that someone had dared to challenge their authority; certainly their parents had little capability of setting boundaries with regard to the manner in which they were spoken to. We identified those areas that we believed constituted respectful conversation and those that did not. The siblings were quick to accuse us of forcing them to “act fake” and of not allowing them to say what was on their minds.
The Schneiders looked to us for guidance, as they were about to be manipulated by the very idea that their children should be able to speak aloud anything that was on their minds, to the detriment of others. We explained to the teenagers that their ideas and concerns were not being “shut down,” but that the way in which they approached their conversation was to be reworked. For the next three weeks Adam and Cheryl rebelled at this new style of respectful conversation, until we announced the creation of a behavior chart that would assist them in “remembering” how to speak with their parents. Within one week of upholding consequences that were the direct result of disrespect, both Schneider teens quickly changed their tunes; although they did not like having to modify what had become a game of putting their parents on the defensive, they disliked being without their privileges more. The Schneider adults continued in therapy for several more months while they gained some much-needed parenting skills.
In our opinion, respect is one of the four cornerstones of behavior, along with trust, kindness and integrity. Without these cornerstones, there is nothing solid upon which a strong foundation can be built, and without a foundation, your child’s behavior will have no base for positive growth and development. The rules of conduct are made not by us but by society, and observing them—or failing to observe them—will determine your child’s future. Disrespect in school today may only get your teenager one hour in study hall, but in the vast arena of life, their disrespect may one day cost them their employment or their marriage.
We have all stood in the presence of someone who has spoken their mind to the detriment of others, ignorantly displaying bias or gender harassment, and we have all pondered their upbringing. That adult is your child if you do not curtail their insistence on saying every hurtful comment that pops into their head.
No Debates, Please
Of course, children do not appreciate being corrected on their behavior; they take deep offense when they are not entitled to say and do whatever they please. That is too bad. If you, or a teacher or police officer, or any other person in authority
