It was little wonder, then, that he could not discern the difference between being the parent and the child once he became a teenager, where his decisions could not be left to his own desires.
There were many setbacks in therapy, as Stanley’s parents were continually willing to negotiate with their son rather than sticking to their parental plan. With each inconsistency Stanley became empowered and therapy had to begin again, with several steps backward. But because of their frustration, Stanley’s parents eventually made enough of a commitment to therapy that they were able to stand their ground and begin to regain their position as head of the household.
Now, two years later, although things have much improved, Stanley still missteps every so often, almost as if to test his parents’ ability to follow through.
It goes without saying that your teenagers should never be compared to their friends or siblings; they are individuals who have been born with gifts and talents that are uniquely theirs. While disrespectful conduct may tempt you to make a comparison out of frustration, or during an angry outburst, check yourself and make sure that no matter how hard you have to bite your tongue, not a word spills out that sounds like you wish your child was more like someone else.
There will be plenty of trying times, and innumerable tests of your endurance, but words spoken can never be taken back, and they hurt. If you have made this mistake in the past, it is not too late to rectify the situation. Go back and apologize, not only to the child who feels “inferior” but to the one against whom you have measured your unmanageable teen. Both have suffered or feel guilty because of your comments, and both will resent the other in years to come if this situation isn’t remedied.
But how about when the shoe is on the other foot? What about the way you feel when your son or daughter does not want to speak with you, or avoids being with you, muttering derogatory comments about your character? Aside from the fact that this behavior is disrespectful, it is also hurtful. We call this behavior “parental rejection.” During normal teenage phases, your children will displace their anger and frustrations on the safest person, and often the target of their agitation is a parent. It doesn’t feel good to you, and, truthfully, it doesn’t feel good to them, but because of their immaturity they often cannot control the impulse to lash out and hurt someone.
One reason your teens choose to lash out at home is because you have given them your unconditional love, and as much as they are disappointed by their own behavior, they are also pretty sure you are never going to turn your back on them, or stop loving them. That is what parents are called to do—love their children when they are most unlovable.
When you have been hurt by your son or daughter, you must resist the urge to retaliate. If you hurl insults back, they will be forever scarred by your words, even if they were only said in anger. As the adult in this situation, it is up to you to control your temper. Know that your teenager loves you, and forgive their immaturity. That does not mean overlook the immaturity; this behavior still warrants a consequence. But let your adolescent know that you do not hold against them what they have said to you. They will look back on these days with astonishment, wondering how you could have loved them when it seemed no one else could.
Chapter 4
Their Responsibilities…and Yours
As an adult, you often find yourself overwhelmed with life tasks, not the least of which is raising children, plus managing a career, doing housework, scheduling carpooling, and taking care of financial responsibilities. It isn’t news to you that you’re in need of help, but you are looking in the wrong place if you think your teenager will step forward. Nonetheless, when something’s got to give, many parents enlist their children to assist in household duties, including the rearing of their younger siblings. If you are looking for conflict, you can find it right here.
No Exploitation
Your teenagers want nothing to do with your responsibilities, nor should they. Their job is to attend school, get good grades, socialize, and eventually learn enough to matriculate into society. This is not to say they shouldn’t have chores, but by “chores” we mean light housework, such as cleaning their bedrooms, and responsibilities which may include mowing the lawn or taking out the garbage. A chore is of the nature of lending a hand, with some degree of accountability, some degree of prioritizing, and some degree of accomplishment upon completion. In our opinion, unless you and your teens have worked out some type of work arrangement where you are paying them a salary to do a job for which they have interviewed, you are exploiting them.
We are adamant about our position on exploitation. Your son or daughter needs to have time for those things that are important in defining their adolescence; housework is not one of those things. If you need a little help with sweeping the floor, they should be asked to pitch in, but to assign them your jobs, just because you can, is both unfair and an abuse of power. Your teenagers have their own set of responsibilities. They must attend school, study for exams, write research papers, be prepared for pop quizzes, make friends, find a date, socialize, join organizations, excel in sports, have a talent, play the piano or the tuba, come home, do homework, make a snack and sometimes dinner, organize their clothing, worry about being included in parties, outings, movies, and overnights, make money, lose privileges, gain them back…and see to a multitude of other developmental “tasks.”
Angry John
John was one of the more angry teenagers we have seen in our practice, and for good reason. His father, a single parent raising his son, didn’t believe he should have to go to work and then come home to keep the house. He put responsibility for most of the housework and almost all of the cooking on John’s shoulders. Admittedly, Mr. R. wasn’t the neatest man in the world, so even if the housework was done in a slipshod manner it didn’t come under white-glove scrutiny. Nonetheless, it was up to John to make sure the garbage went to the street on pickup days, the grocery shopping was done, something was made for dinner, and there was enough soda and beer in the refrigerator.
John’s mother died when he was still in grade school, and he tried to help his father out as best he could because he didn’t want his father to be sad. John felt extremely sad at the loss of his mother, but he could tell that the overall atmosphere of the house was “nicer” when he did his part to pick up his clothing or walk the dog.
Over the years, as John got bigger so did the list of chores; in fact, little by little, his father gave him more and more responsibility for home maintenance, both inside and outside, until John was handling the majority of the tasks. That left little time for studies, and almost no time for socialization. John was isolated from his peers because of his “job” and felt like an outsider in his classes. By the time he was a junior in high school, he had had enough, and he snapped. He began lashing out, starting fights among his classmates, and ending up in the principal’s office at least once a week. Then John beat up a boy one year his junior and put him in the hospital. The boy’s parents pressed assault charges, and John was ordered by the court to therapy for anger management.
After several sessions, it became clear that John’s anger was displaced from his father onto his peers. It also became clear that John had become a “parentified” child after his mother died, meaning that he took it upon himself to parent his remaining parent, rather than his remaining parent parenting him. Because he was not given grief counseling, nor any opportunity to talk about his mother and resolve his feelings about her death, John’s feelings of loss, coupled with his anger toward his father for his father’s lack of understanding and exploitation, brought the situation to a very serious head.
John’s father agreed to hear what we had to say but de-fended his right to “make” his teenager “help out” around
