six months for Ashley to respect the new boundaries that Sheila learned to make, but once Ashley realized that she could not walk all over her mother, she began to display more respectful behavior, not only at home but also at school.
Robert’s Dreams
Robert had dreams of being rich. He didn’t care how it happened, just that it happened. Although he was a senior in high school, he hadn’t learned much about buckling down to get his assignments completed, nor did he apply good study habits with homework. The results were barely average grades at school and complaints that he was being singled out by his teachers and unjustly accused of having a poor academic attitude.
Robert’s parents had spent most of their son’s junior high and high school years championing his complaints, often coming to parent/teacher conferences to express their disappointment that the teacher had not given Robert better grades ones say tests and reports. Over the years, Robert had done a masterful job persuading his parents of his teachers’ injustices. Now Mom and Dad were concerned that because of the teachers’ inability to see Robert’s potential, he would not be accepted to an Ivy League College.
It was difficult to break up the collusion that had blinded Robert’s parents from the truth: Their son had not applied himself during his academic years, and was now looking for his parents to bail him out, as they always had. In this case, we felt it was more important for Robert to understand the valuable lesson of hard work,which is the straight line to making dreams a reality. In order to do that, we had to convince the parents to see exactly what was going on:that they had become enablers to Robert’s dream of the “easy life.” After some work with Robert, and a lot less enabling from his parents, the young man began to reflect back on his academic years with a healthy remorse.
All was not lost. Robert was accepted into a local community college, where hard work earned him good grades. The outcome was acceptance to the college of his choice at the end of his sophomore year.
In the business of parenting there is much to do. Behaviors have to be divided into those that are acceptable and those that are unacceptable. There are goals to set, parameters to outline, boundaries to form, lessons to teach and consequences to en-force. You must act under this business plan, setting aside your feelings, while your children learn to move forward within those boundaries in a healthy and safe manner.
We are great supporters of dreams and crusaders of the human spirit. But neither dreams nor spirit will come to fruition for your children without you identifying their manipulations and deterring their poor decisions.
In doing this “business,” you are embarking upon uncharted territory, an obstacle course which keeps your footing unsure. Your path is muddy and does not allow retreat, so you must trudge forward through the muck until you reach the other side. There is simply no other way.
Chapter 2
Love Your Teenager
We do not know you, nor do we know anything about the stages of your own life, the hardships you may be enduring, the isolation you may feel. We are not insensitive to your needs, but right now the needs of your teenagers are paramount; their needs must come first.
During this very narrow window of time, your son or daughter will speed through the maturation process, growing from a dependent young child into an adult in little more than a decade. Then, even if they negotiate this passage unsuccessfully, they will be thrust into the world without the parental cushion to fall back on, expected by society to behave like an adult with full-fledged responsibilities.
We are all the sum total of our experiences, and your teenagers are no exception. What they pack into their emotional suitcase today will accompany them for the rest of their lives; it is your responsibility to ensure that this baggage is not laden down with insults and criticisms, unhappiness and defeat. Your teenagers deserve your support as you envision their potential, even when it has been obliterated by their poor choices and bad behavior. If their suitcases are full, help empty them.
The Idea of Love, and the Reality
We have encountered parents in our practice who love their children very much, yet possess very little ability to demonstrate that love in a manner their sons or daughters understand; in the end, their teens may well go into the world carrying suitcases empty of all but self-loathing.
Sweet Janice
Janice came into the office with a sugary sweet disposition, which, upon closer scrutiny, we recognized as a cover for her repressed anger. For the first three months of therapy, she was unable to get in touch with any real feelings, other than to say she just felt unhappy but she didn’t know why. As time passed, she began looking forward to her therapy appointments, always bringing in test results or report cards, pages from her diary, or “love “ notes from her boyfriend. Her mother seemed jealous and threatened. She would make comments to us like, “I don’t know why she can’t share these things with me. After all, I’m her parent, not you.”
In family therapy, Janice was brave enough to answer her mother’s question by exposing her sadness about her mother’s “practical and mechanical” behavior. Janice admitted feeling disappointed in herself whenever she confided in her mother because she felt that her mother inferred that nothing Janice did was good enough. Through her tears, Janice addressed her mother, telling her, “You just never really listened. When I was sad, you never hugged me; you just told me that if that was the only problem I had I should consider myself lucky.”
Janice’s mother also had tears as she confessed her awkwardness in giving kisses and hugs, especially as her children got older. “My parents weren’t much for hugging and kissing, so I guess I learned to parent the same way,” she told us.
It took sometime for Janice and her mother to begin to bond on a more emotional level, but a year later Janice’s demeanor was no longer superficially sweet. She appeared genuinely happier, especially since everyone in the family seemed to have benefited from therapy and was beginning to realize the necessity of emotional bonding between parents and children.
You must be able to give your teenager what he or she needs using words and actions that clearly depict love. He needs hugs and kisses, support and kindness. She needs you to cry with her, laugh with her, encourage her to lean on you, praise her successes, and allow her to fail. Even if you have not been that parent in the past, it is not too late to begin. Erase all of your preconceived notions about parenting, the manner in which you were supported or disapproved of by your own parents, and think for yourself. You know what your child needs, and you know you must be the parent he or she needs you to be. Those of you who have entered adulthood with your own suitcases filled with unresolved childhood issues should seek professional help to empty them lest they spill onto your teenager, contaminating their childhood with sins they did not commit.
Your adolescents need to know you love them not only when they are good, but especially when they are not. Your own flexibility or rigidity, as well as your childhood experiences, will ultimately determine how you will parent your child and the manner in which you will react when things go wrong.
Our Parents, Ourselves
No matter how much you wish it were not so, you may recognize more similarities between yourself and your parents than you care to admit. Don’t be surprised when your child tests you to the limit and your parents’ words fall from your mouth. When you least expect it, you will hear yourself saying, “Because I said so, that’s why,”
