about your teenagers’ tumultuous behavior, the focus of this book may appear to be negatively slanted, when, in fact, it is only the behavior that is negative. The teaching tools included in these pages are intended to help you learn how to form boundaries and enforce consequences. We urge you to view these tools in a positive light, as they will pave the way for new and more constructive behaviors for both you and your teenager.
You are reading this book because of your concern for your child, and probably also because your parenting methods have been unsuccessful in the past. We are trained and skilled in identifying and redirecting your child’s behavior, and because we are not emotionally conjoined with your child, we can offer assistance without the interference of self-doubt or guilt. You, on the other hand, have something to offer that we cannot: You have the ability to love and nurture your child. Together, we can formulate a well-constructed plan for success: We can provide the parenting guidelines as long as you provide the consistency and unconditional love. Together, this team cannot fail. However, to insure the success of our plan, you must commit to like your child, particularly when he or she is impossibly unlikable, and to parent consistently according to the guidelines we are about to share with you. This will take hard work, but the rewards you reap will be well worth it.
Our Work with Teens
Treating patients in a “safe” setting, in our office practice, we’ve been privileged to witness family dynamics from a clinical rather than an academic perspective. We have seen firsthand the ways in which couples perceive each other and react or shut down because of their perceptions. We’ve had a bird’s-eye view of children and how they “fit” into a family, of how they perceive their position in the family, of the underpinnings of sibling rivalry, of caustic parents, and of feelings of unworthiness and betrayal. We doubt that there is any arena in which emotions are as volatile and raw, as pure yet contaminated, as truthful yet deceitful as in family therapy. In our practice, these emotions are expressed without fear of retribution, finally relieving the hidden anguish and anxieties that both parents and teens have held within.
Our clinical practice has spanned more than twenty-three years, during which we have evaluated and treated virtually hundreds of teenagers and their families. Some teens have come to us voluntarily, hoping to solve their family problems or to achieve a greater understanding of themselves; some have been dragged in by their frustrated parents, who demand to know how to fix the “problem” child. Some have been ordered to our office by the court system for treatment after committing a crime, or as a victim of their own intense anger and rage, in a proactive attempt at restructuring their behavior. Regardless of whether these teens have come in willingly, reluctantly, or with defiance, they have all come to us proficient at masking their true feelings and hiding their innermost fears, and needing acceptance and love.
We have parented four children, now adults. We understand that it is not easy to raise a teenager in today’s society, with its breakdown of social norms and moral values and the ever-present loyalty to peer pressure. Each of our children has a unique personality, and therefore they could not be understood, assisted, or disciplined alike. Nonetheless, there are some behaviors which, although approached somewhat differently from one teenager to another, must be adhered to without ambiguity.
As you might expect, our views have evolved over the past two decades to become finely tuned in dealing with the needs of both parents and their teenagers. While complete agreement among all parties is rare, still we have witnessed successful out-comes, time after time, based on mutual respect and consistent boundary setting. No matter how difficult your dilemma with your teen, the problems can and will be resolved if you accept the philosophy of this book and believe that all things can be solved with knowledge and love.
No one is a perfect parent; we have made mistakes and so have you. We can only strive to be the best parents we can be, believing that there is no mistake that cannot be learned from, no behavior that cannot be reversed, and no future that is etched in stone. Every family can master the passage of the teenage years successfully, and we are here to guide you with the knowledge we have gained from our personal and professional experiences.
What You Can Expect from This Book
As the parent of a teenager, you have been issued a ticket on a roller coaster ride, and you won’t be exiting this amusement park any time soon. This book will be your map, as well as a source of encouragement or consolation as you take the trip.
To use another analogy, you have entered an adolescent “spin zone,” where your child’s lies will easily become twisted versions of the truth; where his manipulations will provide a hot-wired shortcut to secondary gains; where her lack of integrity will be a threat to the very foundation of your trust. Their race toward independence will be brutal and genetically encoded; there is no stopping it. Your pimply-faced adolescent, who is barely able to fix his own lunch, is obsessing about the opposite sex in ways that you don’t even want to know. While you scurry to catch up to your teenagers’ premature thrust into autonomy, they are confidently racing ahead solo, convinced that they no longer need your supervision or advice. This book will advise you in how to slow down or speed up enough to see the big picture; how to anticipate and respond to the inevitable; and how to forestall manipulation and even avoid tragedy.
As your teens’ lives hang in the balance of defiance and immaturity, you will find yourself consumed in a struggle to save them. Yet, as quickly as they reach for the safety and comfort of your hand, in the next moment they push it away. You Don’t Know Anything…! will help you to see that successful parenting is as much about hovering closely as it is about giving space. It will arm you with the knowledge you need to understand your teens and commit to stand beside and sometimes in front of them.
As the parent, you are the voice of reason. Our commitment in this book is to empower you in this stand, even as your teen-ager tries your patience and seeks omnipotence by attempting to push you off the top step of the familial ladder. The dichotomy we observe, and hope to prepare you for, is this: As much as your child attempts to avoid disharmony, he or she invites it by creating and perpetuating chaos and confusion. It’s normal. This manual will provide insight into such “normal” teenage behavior, keeping in mind that although no two children are alike, many behavior patterns are common, even universal. This book will address these commonalities.
We have agreed to help you to anticipate and redirect teen behavior which is off balance, and to redirect your own think-ing and behavior. We will assist you with boundary setting and consistency—guiding you to devise reasonable consequences in a fair, patient, mature and objective manner.
As we begin this work together, let us affirm that we know that your patience has been tested to the limits. Your child knows it as well. Our primary thesis throughout these pages is that your teenager expects to be called on his or her insolent behavior. If you do not do so, you contribute to their confusion with a mixture of both relief and rage. After all, as the parent, you are supposed to enforce the rules. When your teenage sons and daughters misbehave, they expect to be punished, although their indignation speaks otherwise. If you do not parent them during their rebellious defiance of rules, you will cause them anxiety and insecurity with the supposition that no one is in charge.
With perseverance and tenacity, a good sense of humor, and some unexpected blessings, you and your teen will eventually reach the other side of what can only be described as “the ride of your lives.” Remember, your adolescent children need you to be there for them. Without exception, they cannot successfully master this challenging ride without you.
Chapter 1
Wake Up! This Is What You’re Up Against
There is no need for us to sugarcoat what you have already discovered about
