and intimacy. I have accepted the fact that much of the significant early childhood influences in my life have revolved around unhealthy addictive behaviors, i.e., chemical dependency and sexual compulsiveness.
Despite everything I’ve experienced in my life thus far, I am resolved to do the best I can with whatever tempting or threatening circumstances I face. More importantly, when I fail in my struggles to overcome risky compulsive behavior, I can now recall just what type of situations trigger unhealthy responses, evaluate which specific factors influence my decisions, and focus on identifying positive alternatives. When similar urges resurface, and they always do, I take what I’ve learned from each past decision, no matter how painful or uncomfortable, to avoid repeating those with the most humiliating and unhealthy consequences.
I do not, by any means, hold “the key” to complete healing and recovery, but I know from experience what helps me and what does not. It’s my desire to share with you the reoccurring subconscious triggers and behavioral experiences that I as a sexual abuse survivor have faced since my journey first began as a five-year-old boy. I also never assume that my experiences are unique or isolated. Many adult survivors struggle daily with similar circumstances and issues. I’m but one of many who have survived traumatic sexual abuse experiences, most as children, and now, as an adult survivor at the hands of a sexual predator priest.
After my first book, Recovery For Male Victims Of Child Sexual Abuse, I never imagined I’d be writing a second book all these years later, this time as an adult survivor of clergy sexual abuse. I’m thankfully aware that I cannot and will not keep silent about these equally horrendous sexual predator crimes by religious clergy committed against innocent people of faith. I pledge here, once again, to diligently use my single voice to publicly seek justice for today’s still invisible and silent child and adult survivors of abuse by pedophiles and sexual predators.
CHAPTER 1
“Go To Hell”
“Go to hell” is a reference to my many years of Catholic religious education, Sunday sermons, and moral indoctrination regarding “good” and “evil” behavior. We were then, and still are in some communities, taught that “evil” behavior assures individual souls will go to “hell.” When “they” (Church church authorities and clergy) spoke of damnation and “hell,” we lay people listened and allowed fear to rule our decisions and personal conduct. The ultimate fear for the faithful would be an existence in hell for all eternity. It’s clear that the religious faithful still live their lives attempting to avoid the damnation of disobedience as prescribed by religious authority.
In January 2002, the Boston Globe newspaper published an article that broke the Catholic Church’s shameful secret of actively protecting known pedophile clergy from unsuspecting parishioners. The article clearly demonstrated that the church authorities had decided, long ago, to simply relocate a priest from his parish whenever an accusation of molestation was brought against him. The new parish and its parishioners were never warned about the newly assigned priest’s predatory history and fell victim to his physical, emotional, and sexual assaults time and time again. When this devastating clergy sex abuse scandal broke, many of survivors felt that the clergy perpetrators were surely going to go to “hell.” Of course, Catholic Church officials were quick to defend themselves by angrily confronting victims who bravely came forward to speak out. Many of these church officials were even quicker to hire top dollar attorneys to discredit and morally destroy former victimized parishioners who sought church protection and support.
The horrendous confrontations between victims and church officials and their attorneys continue today without much media attention in communities across the country. It remains my opinion that every person, religious or otherwise, who knew of or participated in clergy sexual molestations, deserves to go to the “hell” we were constantly threatened with.
When I was a young Catholic seminarian, the fear of “hell” took on a more academic and philosophic understanding. For me, “hell” was no longer fire and brimstone but an eternal existence of suffering and inescapable misery. Still, I recall hearing from several religious superiors that “hell” was a viable consequence for “evil” behavior, most notably expressions of physical love between adults of the same sex and divorced couples who remarry.
All the while, Catholic bishops, cardinals, and the Pope contributed to the sexual corruption and victimization of thousands of spiritually faithful parishioners. They secretly continued to transfer pedophile priests from one parish to another without warning the new community. Sometimes the sexual predator priest was assigned to a temporary secret psychological treatment center for offenders, often without measurably rehabilitative results, before being reassigned. This unforgivable practice comes as no surprise in light of the fact that every Catholic cardinal takes an oath to never divulge anything confided to him that “might bring harm or dishonor to Holy Mother Church.”
Still today, many organized religions use the prospect of “hell” to sway and manipulate their congregations. Ultimately, it is not up to any one faith, clergyperson, or spiritual leader to say who will or will not go to “hell.” For those religious zealots and hypocrites who insist on relying on verbal assaults, protest demonstrations, bible verse quoting, and physical violence, I’m comforted in my belief that individuals will be first among those who indeed should, “Go To Hell.” I believe that only the God one believes in can decide what happens to us after we die.
It is also my opinion that every organized religion is susceptible to having morally corrupt hypocrites among faithful followers, even more so among those in positions of power. What those who call themselves spiritual leaders have failed to learn time and time again is to first give up their own secrets and sin-filled lives before preaching “hell” to the rest of us.
Adults Seduced By Clergy
Much about clergy sexual abuse reported in recent years involve priests who molested young children. However, clergy abuse doesn’t just happen to children. Abuse can also be inflicted upon adults: adult survivors of child sexual abuse coerced into multiple sexual encounters by predator clergy who claim temporal or spiritual power over them, exactly what took place between Father John Rabb and myself.
It is my hope that sharing this experience will help other adult survivors who were sexually assaulted as adults by sexual predator clergy, to find courage, hope, and the inspiration to speak out. These predators have to be confronted and stopped at every opportunity, particularly by survivors like us.
Unfortunately, many remain silent because they have witnessed the overwhelming emotional battles between victims/survivors of clergy abuse and large, organized religious institutions like the Catholic Church. I understand that not every victim/survivor of sexual abuse, regardless of who the perpetrator was, is capable of openly and publicly standing up to tell their story.
Not every survivor thinks equally regarding confronting their perpetrator, publicly speaking out, seeking justice, or in some matters, receiving compensation from their perpetrators. Each of us has to find that particular place of personal justice and peace with regards to healing and recovery.
For those who simply cannot come forward for whatever reason, I understand their fears and apprehensions and hope this book moves them to advocate beyond themselves for the sake of others. You have to know and understand that you are not your perpetrator’s one and only victim. The fact of the matter is, sexual predators and pedophiles have sexually assaulted others before you and, most likely, have moved on to molest others beyond yourself.
CHAPTER 2
Religious Vocation
In
