I would feel physically aroused by certain forms of playful physical contact and sexual talk with other seminarians, and I was aware that, for the most part, this form of release could only go so far without becoming a problem. The sexual tension definitely existed in the seminary for both straight and gay seminarians, as well as with some senior spiritual advisors, as one would expect in an all-male environment and household.
After my first year in seminary, I understood and accepted that I was born a sexual feeling human being and would forever have to find healthy, appropriate outlets in order to maintain my religious vow of celibacy. Overall, my seminary studies and experiences were extremely positive, and I worked very hard to follow the vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience. I found seminary life to be a supportive, loving environment and spent hour upon hour in open discussions about myself, my feelings, and my desire to one day become a Catholic priest within the Claretian Missionary Order.
Claretian Seminarians, Los Angeles, CA, 1977. I am seated front row, second from left.
Again, having left my violent, abusive childhood home for the safety of the seminary was a welcome relief for me and proved to be life changing. Periodically, during the six years I spent studying for the Catholic priesthood, I was informed of dysfunctional family problems that would surface back home. Because of my new perspective and living situation, I was mentally able to remove myself from any emotional family attachments, in particular from my violent, alcoholic father and his sexually abusive brother. I chose to communicate with family members only within those “manageable” peaceful and calm periods, when phone calls and visits were comfortable. Never before had I felt in such control of my life. Not surprisingly, I kept my distance from most family gatherings during my years of seminary. Conversely, I found constant and steady support from fellow seminarians and spiritual advisors, and felt fortunate to have their ongoing acceptance and encouragement. The following letter to my family, which I wrote during my first year, clearly demonstrates the dramatic impact seminary living had on my thinking process:
Dear Mom, Dad, brothers and sisters,
There are many times when, like right now at this retreat, I am left alone to think, to pray, and to just “be.” I have had alot of silent time to reflect. I think and pray alot about us, on life and everything that is life. I think on how much I’ve taken things for granted, on how much I didn’t understand, sometimes still don’t. I think on how we spend our lives, on how we treat people as if they’re going to be here tomorrow or as if nothing could take them away from us, then I see how wrong an assumption this is.
I think of how many times I’ve wanted to say to you “I love you” but could only feel it and not say it. I want to tell you now that I truly love you, I always have and always will. I will love you no matter where I am, how far go or in whatever I do—“I love you and I need you.” I realize this may seem strange for me to write and say but I say it because I see others who have waited too long to express this and lost the opportunity forever. I don’t want to feel sorry for something I never said, like I love you, but always wanted to.
We are growing older and each one of us will choose his or her own way of living their dreams. I pray always for all of you, that we may each come to know what our purpose in this life is, and how we can better support and love each other.
Always know that it’s family and our love that matters, that’s all! More important is that God gave us each other to love, if even for a short time. I pray for each of us to be patient, happy, and to feel the experience of true unconditional love.
Remember, no matter what may happen, I love you very much. Know that I am happy, and feel I belong. I am learning to love more and show love, and I am able to give more of myself out of love. I just needed to let you know that wherever I go, I believe you are there too.
With love and prayers for God to bless you,
your son and brother,
Hank
During my studies as a seminarian when I began to feel more comfortable with expressing myself, it became clearer to me to accept what I had known in my heart since childhood—that I was gay.
Given this, I now needed to face a new and ever-growing challenge of controlling my attraction to certain individuals who had shown sympathy and understanding towards me, those with whom I had become emotionally intimate. The feeling of acceptance was completely new to me because, before joining the seminary, I had never felt supported or cared for. I instinctively wanted to respond, to act in the only way I had been misguidedly taught to do so as a child by my uncle: through physical intimacy and sex. Not the most appropriate form of expression in an all-male seminary, but up until that time, the only consistent form of intimate sharing I knew.
I struggled—oh how I struggled—to realize that I didn't need to “perform sexually” for those who praised me or sought my companionship. I had to relearn new and more appropriate manners of responding to genuine affection, friendship, and nonsexual physical touch.
I spoke frequently with spiritual directors and prayed a lot about the confusing struggle taking place within me. I was grateful for my daily successes in maintaining celibacy and was hopeful in controlling future urges. Most of the time, I found that talking openly and frankly about my sexual tension issues helped eliminate much of the seemingly overwhelming temptations I battled with; but, naturally, sometimes it didn’t.
Despite this understanding, the confused, sexualized way of thinking I had learned as a young child remained within me as a major challenge as I fought against unhealthy compulsive behaviors and eventually, sexual addiction. These two difficulties had yet to fully surface during my early years of my seminary training, but indeed they would.
I designed this logo in 1976, and it is still in use today.
Catholic Priesthood
While living in a religious community of Catholic priests and brothers, I quickly learned about the many personal benefits a religious clergyman receives throughout his priesthood, among them prestige, privilege, protection, and often unchallenged influential power over parishioners. Could these questionable benefits lead to arrogance, self-righteousness, and a false sense of invincibility on the part of the priest? What about a sense of accountability, respect, adherence to faith, protection of the innocent, and being true examples of Christ’s presence in the world? I witnessed as these men who wore a traditional black suit with white “Roman” collar, undeniably the most recognizable symbol of the Catholic priesthood, were frequently sought out, pampered, given unlimited trust and attention, and had people constantly offering to do things for them. Internally, I questioned some priests I saw take the spiritual “gift” of priesthood and turn it into something they bartered with, a way to control parishioners, as though saying “If you treat me special, I will pray and give you blessings from our Lord.”
Whenever a “Father” offered, well-meaning parents would allow their young sons to sleep over at the rectory or go on overnight outings with priests. Parents would show visible pride knowing their boy was selected from all others and would boast to fellow family and friends about the special attention “Father” bestowed on their sons, not realizing the horrific sexual assaults many would endure. Fortunately, in the United States, families have now learned not to simply hand over their child to clergymen who express special interest in their child. Unfortunately, however, in numerous foreign countries still today, predator priests and clergy have unlimited access
