confused. I was unsure of many things, which included my religious vocation, my self-worth, consequences and the magnitude that negative choices can have for the remainder of my life. I was in a state of distress. I took the action of sitting up, acting as though I had just awakened from sleep, although in reality I had been totally awake.
Because I knew nothing about Father John’s personal history, I was in my limited way attempting to sort out my own perceptions about him. However, this did no good, and instead I became more confused than ever. Was he just an extremely “touchy-feely” type of guy, sincere in his affection, or was he really physically and sexually attracted to men—to me? I felt slightly bad, as if I had been letting my own sexual abuse history taint this seemingly gentle priest’s expressions of friendly affection. I was completely at a loss.
Later that same night, when I was getting ready for bed, Father John called me over to his room. I put on my walking shorts and walked to his room, which was located across from mine. I found him standing, facing me, wearing only his walking shorts and no shirt, and holding in his hand a tube of sunburn lotion. He asked if I would rub some lotion on his sunburnt back and shoulders. Before I could answer, he quickly stripped off his shorts and fell face down on his bed, wearing only his boxers.
I thought it strange that he would remove his pants when all he had asked me to do was rub cream on his shoulders and back, but I was as a young child taught, or rather programmed to obey authority. Wanting to get this quickly over with, I spread the lotion over his obviously sunburnt back and as soon as I finished, he thanked me and said good night. I returned to my room and while lying in bed I tried to make sense of the day’s surprising and not-so-pleasant events. Adding to my confusion was this new issue with the sunburn lotion. I sensed he was physically and sexually interested in me, but I wasn't really sure. As future events unfolded, my gut reaction at the time had been right on, but I allowed my emotional brain to talk me out of acknowledging and accepting the obvious truth. Father John had been grooming and testing me for the purpose of taking over my trust. It became clear to me that he couldn’t care less for my own vulnerability, mental history, and emotional scars; what he ultimately wanted was to emotionally and sexually seduce me for his own selfish gain. As his nefarious motives became further evident, it became clearer to me that Father John Raab’s history was that of being a predatory priest!
July 4th Seduction
During my time as a seminarian, I maintained personal journals of my experiences. What follows is an actual journal entry I made regarding my July 4, 1979 seduction by Father John:
“Last night, July 4th, Father John invited me to accompany him to see a fireworks show outside the city limits. He said that the best view to watch was from a cemetery overlooking the river where the fireworks were to be fired overhead. I must say it was an eerie feeling walking through this cemetery with all these town people looking for places to sit and set up their folding chairs. Father John and I found a large above ground tomb, about a big as a queen-size bed, and we sat upon it.
The fireworks show did not last long and sometime during the fireworks show Father John asked me to move back and rest my back against the grave headstone. I climbed further back onto the top of the tomb and both of us sat close together, like two people on a park bench. It was a beautiful clear summer night with a gentle cool breeze blowing and we couldn’t have picked a better spot for watching the city’s beautiful skyline and fireworks show. When the show was over Father John and I remained seated talking while all the people cleared out and went home. There was bright moonlight after the smoke cleared which cast eerie shadows all about and periodically I found myself looking over my shoulder at the slightest sound of something moving.
At one point when our casual conversation stopped, Father John reached over with both hands and started massaging my neck. I was picking up a particularly strong vibe that he was interested in starting something physical and was open to our “fooling around.” I didn't know how to just ask him outright about this and just sat silent. He must have sensed my apprehension and lack of response because he immediately asked me to tell him about my life before entering the seminary. I asked for him to speak first about his life before priesthood.
He told me about his family and early seminary days. I followed with brief answers about my education and number of family members. Again, he asked me to tell him about myself, and this time I sensed he wanted to know where I was at sexually. He sat right next to me with one leg up against mine and one hand pressing on my shoulder. The sex “vibe” was definitely there and I finally came right out and asked him, “Are you physically attracted to me or are you just an extremely ‘touchy-feely’ person?” He responded, “Yes, I am both.” Then I asked, “Are you sexually attracted to me?” And again he replied, “Yes.”
At this point I did not know what else to say, after all he was an ordained priest, my superior and spiritual director and we had both taken vows of celibacy. I was actually beginning to feel emotionally attached and physically attracted to him and yet I also felt an urgency to get away from this situation, for both our sakes. I told him that this was a dangerous situation for us to be in and that this was very hard for me to say “We need to get back to the rectory.” He looked directly at me, smiled reassuringly and said that he admired my honesty and that he was glad I had said it.
I felt instantly relieved to hear him confirm my response and praised God for the strength to say what I did. I definitely did not want to jeopardize this friendship by engaging in sexual play with him or to just have sex for the immediate gratification of it, and I told him this. I felt so good about resisting this tremendous temptation and thanked him for accepting my comments and listening to my concerns.
We changed the subject for a moment and talked about the many beautiful bright stars out that night. I was so happy and I wanted to thank him with an embrace for listening and respecting my words. He had moved away from sitting directly next to me and I crawled over next to him and put my arms around him. Our embrace was long, warm, and deeply sensitive. I felt a tremendous sense of love at that moment for Father John, like I’d never felt before.
I was feeling so confident, supported, and loved by him that I completely relaxed in his arms. I no longer felt the threat of anything sexual happening. We had both, so I thought, acknowledged that our commitment to our vow of celibacy and sexual abstinence was the most loving gift we could share with each other.
At the end of the embrace, I pulled away and he looked me directly in the eyes and briefly, very tenderly kissed me on the lips. It was a surprise and seemed genuinely respectful. He pulled back momentarily to study my reaction then held my head in both his hands and once again leaned in and kissed me on the lips. This time the kiss was harder and more sensual. We held each other tighter and he very sensuously began to french kiss me. His kiss was so incredibly stimulating and passionate that I was completely overwhelmed. No one had ever treated me this way or with such passion. I instantly felt myself surrendering my entire being to him and fell undeniably “head-over-heels” in love!
Father John moved up on top of me and while kissing me began to undo my pants. I felt his erect penis pressing against my legs through his walking shorts, which he kept on. He reached inside my pants and while french kissing me, masturbated me until I climaxed. My body and mind exploded in sensations I could never have imagined. It was tremendous! I was so overwhelmed with emotion and joy I could no longer think or speak.
After surviving years of childhood sexual abuse, incest, and physical manipulations, I now thought I was finally experiencing what real, gentle, honest love must be. I was not to find out just how wrong I was until several emotionally painful and devastating months later, when my summer assignment was over, and I returned home without Father John to Los Angeles.
For the next month and a half after that July 4th night, Father John took every opportunity to see me alone. He would
