in my bedroom at night before we retired. Most times he just hugged me, and once in a while he kissed me on the lips. He often offered to massage my back and legs, which I admittedly enjoyed. Father John told me how much he enjoyed us lying together, face to face, fully clothed while rubbing our erect penises up against each other.
On one occasion, Father John rubbed himself up against me so much that he climaxed right in his walking shorts. I eventually came to realize that Father John believed that as long as he did not physically expose himself or masturbate, he wasn’t really engaging in a sexual act or breaking his celibacy vow. This, in my opinion, is how Father John justifies remaining a “celibate” priest while physically attracted to and sexual interested in younger men.
Father John’s affectionate behavior changed dramatically towards me after that 4th of July seduction. He now seemed content just to want to physically arouse me with gentle hugs, tender caresses, and long embraces. As soon as Father John noticed I was physically aroused, he immediately stopped being affectionate, pulled away, and left the room. He seemed to enjoy getting me excited then seeing me frustrated every time he left. I didn't understand why he would do this. It was cruel, extremely frustrating, and at times felt like torture. In late August of that year, I left Father John at our parish in Fort Worth, Texas, and return home to Los Angeles to prepare to move to Berkeley, California to begin studies for my masters in theology.
While preparing to begin my studies in LA, I received several letters from Father John. Not once did he mention our recent sexual relationship or intimate 4th of July experience, and absolutely nothing was expressed on the same level of his often proclaimed profound love for me. I couldn't understand what had changed, or if I had done something to turn Father John away. His letters were now cold, formal, and completely devoid of any loving emotion. I was overwhelmed by heartache and grew increasingly grief-stricken and depressed.
I finally saw Father John once more while we were both attending an annual retreat at the Claretian Renewal Center in Los Angeles. He was preparing to leave for a mission assignment in Nigeria to supervise new young seminarians. One evening during this retreat, he invited me to meet him late that evening in his private room. I was beside myself and couldn't wait. When I got to his door, I noticed Father John peering out from a crack in the open door watching for me. As soon as I entered, we immediately stripped out of our clothes, down to our underwear. Father John lifted me on to his bed and lay on top of me, as was his preference. As had been the case each time before, we got each other “off” by hugging and rubbing up against each other’s “concealed” erections. Once again reinforcing Father John’s outrageous thinking, I reasoned that it wasn’t actual sex if we still kept our underwear on. Imagine that! But at the time, I did not care; I truly thought I was in love, or what my confused mind perceived to be love.
Father John never again confessed his deep love for me or expressed how wonderful a person I was to him. He had successfully achieved his goal of seducing me and no longer felt the need to invest pleasant, caring compliments upon a “conquered” soul. Father John had successfully seduced me and had no further interest in continuing our intimate relationship. I’ve subsequently learned that this is a typical behavior of sexual predators once they have successfully seduced their intended prey.
That was the last time I had any sexual contact with Father John. It was an extremely disappointing and heartbreaking encounter. I felt I had been used, taken advantage of, and psychologically manipulated. I left his room deeply hurt, emotionally devastated, and wanting nothing more to do with him. I experienced for myself right then and there, just what a selfish, sinister, and insincere man Father John truly was and, most likely, still is.
CHAPTER 4
Abandonment Aftermath
Father John Raab left for the Claretian mission in Nigeria in December of 1979. I was devastated by his departure and emotionally void. He expressed no sorrow or sadness about our separation. He told me he would write and that he looked forward to our reunion sometime in the coming year. I was distraught and fell apart emotionally. I felt like the first true love of my adult life had totally abandoned me and I was now forced to deal with my own overwhelming feelings of emptiness, sadness, and despair. I could not sleep and began having digestive problems, to the point of rectal bleeding—an ulcer no doubt. I felt as though I had experienced a death in the family. I was miserable and no one around me knew it. I forced myself to act normal in front of my peers, superiors, family, and co-workers. Externally, I pretended to be the picture of emotional health. But, inside, I was seriously depressed and filled with emotional pain.
I knew that by recalling the suicidal state I had experienced as a teen, I was in serious mental trouble and in need of help. I vividly recalled the hopeless state of depression I was in at 16 years of age, which led me to contemplate suicide; but I was never going to go there again. I knew that my only chance for healing was to seek immediate professional counseling. I requested therapy, and started interviewing therapists who might help me to sort through the emotional grief and figure out what had happened. Initially, I sought out “religious” counselors and therapist, but I realized that each came with his or her own bias with regards to faith and sexual behavior. The process of seeking out a qualified therapist, one who I could feel comfortable with, was by no means easy. I had to go through several therapist interviews and sessions before I finally found a therapist who would be helpful. He turned out to be a non-religious, male professional therapist who specialized in issues of intimacy and human sexuality.
“Dear John” Letter
The following letter was sent to Father John after I had completed several months of intense psychotherapy. I believe it demonstrates the tremendous advances I had made as a result of attending regular therapy sessions. The letter is dated November 25, 1979. Father John had been out of my life for just two months:
Dear John,
Do you remember the day I said that no matter what happened in the future, no matter what trouble or difficulties you may get into because of your sexual orientation, I would love and support you no matter what? Do you remember? Well, I still will do these things; however, I have given this much thought and now want to add that I don't want to wait until something happens or until you get hurt by your particular needs. I don't want to see anything happen to you or to anyone else for that matter. Therefore I share with you the following thoughts and feelings.
I really have to work at controlling my own sexual inclinations and desires in light of my religious commitment and especially in my ministry. The day I give up on this will be the day I have to leave the religious life....I cannot ignore this fact.
I need to learn what to do and how to act when I am attracted, stimulated, and tempted by another man, because if I don't do this I could really hurt someone as well as myself. The risks are extremely high and the consequences are extremely dangerous, especially for a celibate religious. I’m sure you’ve already thought of this, but I feel that thinking about it, at this point, may not be enough.
I want to learn to live a healthy, happy, and wholesome celibate life. I want and need someone to help me arrive at this goal. I may/may not ever reach it, but I am making every possible effort towards doing so. I will not allow myself to run away, even when it hurts to face the reality of my lack of control, I will not ignore the difficulties that I have in dealing with my sexuality and orientation. If I did this, it would mean that I would have to forfeit all of the beautiful life God has allowed me to experience within religious life thus far.
I am doing everything possible to keep what I have and I’ll be damned if my sexual orientation and actions are going to be the major cause of my forfeiting what I now have. I have had to admit my own weakness and incapability of dealing constructively with my sexuality. I cannot do it alone and I will not do it
