when she speaks is that we can’t always change what happens to us in life, but we can control how we respond. By going through this experience with her, I was able to see first-hand how the humor and positive attitude not only helped her, but helped those of us closest to her to help her get through an otherwise difficult and challenging time.
Being there for each other is one of the most important responsibilities of a friend and that can mean different things for different people, but just BE THERE. Oh, and don’t be stingy with hugs, either!
Tammy has taught me that no matter what life throws at you, attack it with a positive attitude. It has been 10 years and I still feel like I haven’t done enough and that she has helped me more than I have helped her. But, I will always be there to listen, to cry and to laugh with my best friend!
Mary lives in Bellefonte, PA and is the proud grandmother of sweet Isaiah, Hannah and Sophia. In her spare time, she enjoys spending time with her family, Kevin, Vanessa, Katie and Jeff. She is especially proud of her son, Kevin, as he serves in the United States Army. She also loves to have fun with her friends, which sometimes includes getting into trouble with her friend, Tammy, and is counting the days to retirement!
A Sprinkle of FUN from the Author…
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, “Dang, that was fun”.
--Unknown
Supporting Your Friend on Her Journey
Anita Thies
Authors Note: Anita is a dear friend who was right by my side during my cancer walk. She was the creator of Tammy’s Team that my mother, Ruth Miller, referenced earlier, and was a wealth of assistance as she led the kazoo band and was responsible for a lot of the craziness associated with my recovery.
I asked her to write a few comments and suggestions that may be helpful for others in the role of supporter for their family and friends. Here are her words…
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Daryl
Daryl who?
“Daryl” never be another you.
“Daryl” also never be another friend quite like your friend, which makes supporting her journey a uniquely individual experience, both for her and for you.
Having been with friends who are courageous survivors and having had my own (different) type of cancer, I’ve discovered a few things that lighten the load. I offer them here for you to consider in your own caring outreach.
Presence and Presents
Your presence is the gift.
You may not know what to say and that’s okay. You may be in shock at her diagnosis just like she is. Just be yourself. Say “I don’t know what to say.”
Words may fail you. Don’t worry. A hug or hand squeeze will speak volumes.
Your friend will sense your caring because you called or came to see her, even if you felt inadequate for the situation. Stepping into the unknown calls forth courage.
You don’t have to have answers. She doesn’t have answers. Your gift is to be present to her in her time of uncertainty when she’s had her bearings knocked out from under her.
Hope is Always in Season
It may sometimes be hard to be present with your friend in all seasons of her journey. It can be wrenching to see her fearful, hurting or despairing. In those times, it is tempting to try to “cheer her up” but often efforts to do so may leave her feeling more alone and isolated.
One way to be supportive without denying her feelings is to maintain an attitude of hope.
The late Eloise Cole, a friend who was nationally known as a bereavement specialist and clown, captured the role of the supportive friend in her widely shared poem “Borrowed Hope.”
BORROWED HOPE
Lend me your hope for awhile.
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Lost and hopeless feelings accompany me daily.
Pain and confusion are my companions.
I know not where to turn.
Looking ahead to the future times
does not bring forth images of renewed hope.
I see mirthless times, pain-filled days,
and more tragedy.
Lend me your hope for awhile,
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Hold my hand and hug me;
listen to all my ramblings.
I need to unleash the pain and let it tumble out.
Recovery seems so far distant;
the road to healing a long and lonely one.
Stand by me; offer me your presence.
Your ears and your love
acknowledge my pain. It is so real and ever present.
I am overwhelmed with sad and conflicting thoughts.
Lend me your hope for awhile,
A time will come when I will heal
and I will lend my renewed hope to others.
---Eloise Cole, Scottsdale, Arizona
A Little Goes a Long Way
As you know, there are countless ways these days to connect with your friend: In person. By phone--voice, text or picture. Electronically--ecards, email, Facebook, Twitter. By postal mail. By tangible gifts, remembering that the importance of “presents” is that they remind her of your “presence” and the loving support that surrounds her.
You need not do big things. A little goes a long way. Some examples:
While I was waiting one week for test results, a friend brought me a small wooden carving of a person praying, saying she would be praying for me every day. I placed it on my bedroom bureau. It was the first thing I saw in the morning and the last thing I saw at night. Through the week, just the sight of it—reminding me that I was being upheld in prayer--deepened my sense of peace.
My friend also brought me a smiley balloon. Some days it was the only smile in the house but it promised brighter days to come.
On the day I had exploratory surgery, another friend gave me a goofy figurine. I was unexpectedly hospitalized afterwards
