they can do with the toilet paper request. A few hours passed and one of the more violent and hardened inmates called for toilet paper this way "Hey, toilet paper, mother fuckers, - not next year - now!" The paper came within minutes for him and me! I hope he's also without socks, because I could use them as well. Insanity begets insanity in this institution.
The Mad Hatter psychiatrist came to the cells again today. I stood naked as he repeatedly asked, "Are you alright?" "Are you alright?" to the cells not really waiting for a response and not really loud enough to be heard. He stopped at my window - he stared - I said "I'm glad you" ... and he was gone! The Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland - A true caring professional. I feel psychologically better already. What is he paid? What does he do for these needy men?
The weekend prison meal requires further analyzing. I simply do not understand it. One portion of oatmeal, one portion of boiled potatoes, one egg and one piece of inedible mystery meat (it may be tongue or baloney or something else because after 60 years of eating foods from various cultures, I have not been able to figure out what it is!) The same meal repeats like clockwork every weekend. I just wish I could grasp the reason for this uneaten combination and the origin of the meat.
Today I asked if I could go to the clinic to cut my nails and be weighed, since I am losing weight (total weight loss 40 pounds). You would have thought I had asked for a sex change operation. Good news I am "on the list" for a visit. I am reminded of the Seinfeld Chinese Restaurant episode and can imagine months after I depart from here that my name will come up on the "list" and some other poor soul will be waiting because he was still on "the same list".
Yesterday when I came off the elevator at the same time as the Chaplain, who is now on jury duty, I was hustled away from an ongoing extermination process - water bugs the size of mice or birds! That night, unfortunately, I was served some sort of water bug looking black bean sauce, which I just couldn't try. I still await my mouse traps for my room. I'm on the "list" for them so I shouldn't have to wait that long. The mice are lucky there's a "list" system here. They are safe for a while. Today's breakfast and lunch dirty meal trays are still here at almost dinner time. I guess the weekend crew doesn't have the same time schedule as the weekday crews. I am only concerned with insect and rat attractions and our general cleanliness.
Tonight the word on the ward is that the old man (that's me) had some extra writing paper so one of the new inmates sent a line across the floor for me to pass him envelopes and paper. I may remind you this is the counselor's job. The young inmate was creative as he ripped a thread from his blanket - that was his rope. He tied it around a small salad dressing packet that was the weight on the end of the line. He threw it until it came to the front of my door. I attached it to an envelope with paper and a pencil. He pulled it back to his cell. A 60 billion dollar budget and an innovative creative young man has to do this to reach out to his family from prison. Tonight after fifteen days my phone call home was still not recorded by the phone system. It astounds me that Mrs. Andrews (my counselor) can be permitted to negatively influence prisoners’ lives due to a broken system or her own incompetence. She also has three different names and enjoys confusing the inmates by pretending to be different people.
Tonight the guards have their own partying lives going on the Day Room. They are not any quieter at night than they are during the day. Their radio playing, TV sounds and laughter are annoying throughout the entire night.
In addition, we do have one prisoner who must have a variation of or actual Tourette's syndrome. He gutturally screams at constant intervals throughout the evening hours. The guards simply laugh and argue with him to cause more turmoil to this lost soul. This personal guard "fun time" saddens me and speaks volumes of their professionalism and undeserved and unchecked power.
The Chaplain visited me today and we spent 30 minutes speaking. He also apologized for my incarceration shocked at the "debtors’ prison" situation in which he has found me. He agreed that the guards, the counselors and the system are broken and quite damaged. I received Communion! I was hungry! I couldn't tell him about my conversion to Judaism last year! It would have been too much for a man who thought he found an intelligent Catholic adult. He was going to try to see if there was anything he could do to help me with a call or to find some books for me. I still await my daily legal visit; it seems much later than usual today. I'm sure the attorneys must have some stories or explanations as to their difficulty of visiting me.
I was just informed that the elevator was broken and they have cancelled all attorney and other visits until they get the elevator working.
I don't have the words to express my disappointment. I had so much I wanted to give, get and hear, and I felt so painfully isolated today.
Using the stairs, it goes without saying, is simply not permitted. Why not?
I'm sure my attorney is as frustrated wanting to get in, as I am waiting to receive a visitor.
I will wait, I don't think there is a "list" for this - so I do have some hope that it will not be too long.
This feels like childlike disappointment - almost a total let down. When you have been focused on a time goal, prepared for it, go to sleep thinking about it, an unexpected cancellation like this with no alternative plans for visiting is devastating.
Then your mind starts to wonder. When will they fix it? What about future visits? How long before I can communicate with anyone other than writing diary entries to myself? I do get them out daily. For the sake of my other inmates, I will not divulge the method. It is not fair to those who remain behind.
A broken elevator in this rigid system may require much more flexible solutions than the prison system is designed to handle. A broken elevator means no one has to work and no one has to move prisoners. I'm not suspicious at all of lazy guard ill-intent. But today I have unfortunately allowed that thought to slip in.
I will wait, and I will report in future writings when I find out what really happened.
A few hours have gone by and unfortunately it appears that I will not get to meet with anyone, exchange e-mails and give my writings to my attorney. I shouldn't let this bother me, yet I would be less than honest if I said it didn't hit me hard. I can take the cheap hits of stupidity - but I felt this one. It's a funny thing about disappointment sometimes you can accept it, but it doesn't assuage the initial wound.
Listening to these guards laughing, eating and being unconcerned about all of the disappointed visitors and attorneys shouldn't get to me. But they really don't care about these inmates and attorneys. They are not intellectually or spiritually capable of anything other than collecting their pay check, assuring their own job security, and they do not want to make the world better even by one or two acts of kindness. These rehabilitative thoughts are beyond their pay grade and emotional levels.
Here is further "elevator-gate" dialogue. It will require further investigation to get to the truth. As dinner was being delivered by one of the laziest and most angry guards CO Deliverance, I said, "Thank-you, have they fixed the elevator?" He yelled, "How the hell do you know about that elevator story?" I replied, "One of the guards told me because I was expecting a legal visit". He then said, "Take your fucking food, and don't talk about what isn't your business. You fucking mole."
I paused ... I hesitated to stare or scoff. I simply stared as a child in the presence of an alcoholic or abusive parent.
He concluded, "You want your fucking food, or I'll take it away?"
I only got rice and carrots for dinner. I wonder if the Captain or Warden knew the elevator was allegedly "broken" today. Remember a broken elevator means no work for the guards to do.
After almost eighty continuous hours of solitary since my last legal visit, I decided that today I would speak
