Softened by the ride, I perceive my own connection in the purple drop, but not Yeshua. With a heavy heart, I lie back and watch the sea birds.
I have lost contact with my beloved. I pray fervently that he is well, that my suspicions are not true, that I might learn trust. Within my navel the elestial quartz lies clouded by my dread. Circling a patch of long grass, Sheikan lies down beside me, allowing me to lay my heavy head upon his neck. When I awaken, the sun bows low to meet the sea. We must return or Teoma will be frantic. Hurriedly, I dress and mount Sheikan, racing east to beat the night.
The moonless sky makes it seem very late. In the stable, Sheikan looks up from his grain to nicker a greeting, and I bend to clean his hooves, ignoring Teoma’s set jaw.
“You should have the grooms do that.” His voice is strained. “Where were you all day? Miriam told me she sent you out to ride, but you left no word with the stable hands as to your destination.” He lifts me to my feet and sniffs a lock of my hair. “You rode all the way to the shore?” I nod.
With clenched fists, Teoma barely contains himself. “How do you expect me to keep my promise to your husband if you insist on running off? What if something happened to you?”
Staring up at him with a heavy heart, I have no excuses, “I am sorry, Teoma. I….”
“No! You have no idea how much I worry about you. Do you know how upset Yeshua would be if I lost you?”
“He would not care.”
His tight grip on my arm is nothing compared to the pain in my heart. “How can you say such a thing? After our conversation yesterday? What is wrong with you?” Teoma’s frustration lies heavily in the breezeless stall.
“I cannot find Yeshua! My fears are being made manifest.”
He loosens his grip, eyes softer, “Mary, you must be mistaken.”
My passion rises, “Do you doubt that I can connect to him? Do you think I have not tried? We have connected every morning and night since he left in Tammuz.”
Now he looks worried, “Maybe he cannot contact you. What if he is hurt or sick or…?”
“Even when ill, you can be contacted. I know that I would feel if he were…dead. It must be kasa that seals him from me. Why would he want to veil himself, unless to hide?”
Teoma shakes his head, “Perhaps he is not veiling himself, but someone else is veiling him. Let us go to Miriam, she can contact Joseph and then we will know.” He tries to lead me away, but I resist. “What? Do you not want to know the truth?”
Through trembling lips, I respond, “Maybe I don’t. Maybe I am supposed to just trust that all is well. Maybe I would be better off never knowing if he has been unfaithful or not.”
Compassionately, he declares, “Dearest Mary, you must have faith. I will go to Miriam and be assured of Yeshua’s wellbeing.” He escorts me to the nursery. I kiss my daughter, who is fast asleep, exhausted from her full day with Hava.
“Mary, remember to be gentle with yourself and with him. You are both human and it is not easy in this form.” Hava’s golden eyes and deep auburn-colored hair reflect her fire-like aura. I manage a smile and head for the baths.
After a soothing soak, dressed in a soft linen sadin with my damp hair in long braids, I am summoned to the study, where Miriam has spent most of her time since Joseph has gone. Teoma sits grimfaced beside her. My heart skips a beat; maybe I cannot perceive Yeshua’s need.
Miriam speaks, “I contacted Joseph, and apparently Yeshua is veiled from him as well.” She does not appear upset, but then why would she be?
“So, Ima, you believe Yeshua is alive and well?”
“Yes, dear, I do.”
Nauseated, I breathe shallowly. “Teoma,” I ask, swallowing back my shame, “why are you so grim?”
Looking up slowly, Teoma makes an effort to soften his jaw, “Mary, for all of our sakes, do not forget that he is just a man.”
With sheer will, I refrain from crying. “Dear friend, I thought you believed him to be something more.” Teoma calls after me, but Miriam quiets him.
In the nursery, I kiss Sarah’s sweet face. So connected to her father, if he was endangered she would react. But no, she sleeps peacefully. He must not be sad or afraid, or she would stir. He must be joyful or something else that I do not wish to express while standing over our child.
Unable to sleep in our bed, I head for the stables, blanket under my arm. I shall not sleep alone but will lie down in sweet straw with Sheikan. Within the comfort of his equine energy, I spend a dreamless night.
For the following week, I go into the house briefly to be with Sarah. At dawn and bedtime, I try to commune with Yeshua, but nothing. I am losing hope. Riding Sheikan far from here, I cannot escape this pain.
Miriam says very little, offering no reassurance. I can only trust myself for I am alone in this world. Now that Hava is here, Sarah does not seem to need me, but I must stay for who knows if her father will ever return. Even my angels have kept their distance and Teoma hardly looks at me, so affected by Yeshua's humanness.
The nights are long and cold under the waxing moon, the days stormy and gray like my mood. I cannot go back to my family, but do not feel at home here with Yeshua’s essence pervading the house. What once made me feel attached now causes me to feel adrift.
On the eighth night after another fruitless search for my husband, I surrender to the ministration of the angels, “Marya,” I pray using the Chaverim name for the Divine, “please lighten my heart that I may know love and abundance in my life. I cannot travel this dark path alone any longer. Please accompany me on my journey, lift my burden of pain, and help me to understand how to love myself more deeply that I might be able to love those around me with all my heart. Help me surrender my beloved to his divine destiny here on earth or in other dimensions. Please, I can do no more. Ameyn.”
Both Archangels Uriel and Gavriel light up with translucent vibration and I am held in their protective embrace. Peace overwhelms my being as a tetrahedron of light appears of all colors, of none. The One speaks to me in a voice without sound and I am filled with love.
Mary, all of heaven weeps when you are in pain. Do not forget who you are, beloved. You are here to bring joy unto the world of men, your love nourishes like milk and honey. Your faith has been great, as has been your courage. My beloved Yeshua will be returned to you.
With a vast wave of love, the tetrahedron expands, encompassing me and I am awash with passion. I have never felt so adored, so cherished. Tears drench my hands clasped in fervent prayer. The angels magnify to such intensity that they are beyond my visual perception. The One is gone, but within my heart is a pure seed of compassion planted in love.
A third angel has appeared with a golden sword of light, he stands to my right. Gavriel speaks, Mary, as you have taken Uriel’s hand willingly to be escorted through this darkness, now you shall go with Archangel Michael who will escort you through the portal of your awakening.
I extend my hayye to Michael who sweeps me through the bright portal. The world now appears bathed in light, even in this dark night. All colors and sounds enhanced by beauty awe me. Holding
