home was insured by Allstate. Allstate, like Craftsman, was part of Sears at that time.
After I submitted my claim for the loss, the Allstate adjuster applied a depreciation deduction formula for the stolen tools, based on their age and presumed decrepitude.
I responded that Craftsman tools are sold with a lifetime warranty, so there can’t be any depreciation. I told the adjuster that I could take a bent, dull, rusted 30-year-old Craftsman tool into any Sears store and it would be gladly and immediately replaced with a bright and shiny new model.
The adjuster responded that “everything depreciates except land,” and he gleefully pointed out that “a brand new Cadillac drops 20% in value when it leaves the dealer’s lot.”
I told Mr. Allstate that I would much rather drive a Craftsman than a Cadillac and I was not giving up and he’d better check with corporate headquarters.
Apparently there soon was a battle for supremacy in the Sears Tower in Chicago and it was ultimately decided that the image of Craftsman was more important than the profitability of Allstate. I got every penny I wanted.
Lesson: Do not accept the first offer from an insurance adjuster.
On the same day in 1977 that I was approved for a $56,000 mortgage I was rejected for a gasoline company credit card with a $250 limit. On another day I received two letters from the same department store—one included my new credit card and another rejected my application.
Lesson: Credit is funny.
One time I was surprisingly turned down for a credit card and I got a copy of my credit report to find out why I was rejected.
Sprint had reported that I owed them a few hundred bucks for cellphone service. I had previously been a Sprint customer and knew that I owed nothing.
I called Sprint and the rep told me she could not discuss my account because it had been turned over to a collection agency.
I called the collection agency and was told that Sprint informed them that I owed the money from when I lived in Gun Barrel, Texas and that I had not responded to collection letters sent to me in Gun Barrel. I protested that I had never even been to Gun Barrel nor lived in any part of Texas.
The rep asked me if I could prove that I never lived in Texas.
I asked the logic-deprived rep if she could prove that she never lived on the moon.
I called Sprint again and was told to file a report with the Fraud Department. I explained that the improper report may merely have been the result of an error caused by merging two people’s accounts, not fraud, and asked if they have a Stupidity Department.
I was told that the fraud folks were in charge of stupidity. I suppressed both logic and laughter and filed a fraud report. A few months later the improper entry was removed from my credit report. A few years later it came back, provided by a different collection agency that had been unable to reach me in Gun Barrel, Texas.
Lesson: Credit is stupid.
When I lived in Westchester County, New York I got TV service from Cablevision. I had 14 TV sets. Eight of them were connected to cable boxes which had monthly fees, and six of them were connected directly to the cable, and were not charged for.
Cablevision insisted that all TVs that were connected to its serviceeven those producing no revenue—had to be included in its records. They also had to appear on the monthly bills, even if nothing had to be paid.
The format for the monthly bill allowed just ten items, so Cablevision had to separate my TVs into two accounts. Each month the company sent one bill that included the eight cable boxes, plus another bill—with a different account number, different envelope and additional postage—listing the six TVs that had no cable boxes and no monthly charges.
The second bill showed monthly charges of six times nothing, with a total due of zero dollars and zero cents.
After several months, Cablevision’s computer noticed that no payments were received to pay the zero balance and turned the account over to a collection agency.
The collection agency’s computer then started to threaten me, detailing the dire consequences if the payment of zero dollars and zero cents was not made promptly. Phone calls to the agency and Cablevision were fruitless. The customer service people at both companies blamed the computers and had no way to intervene.
Ultimately I drove to a Cablevision office and presented a check for $0.00, and the account was credited for the “payment.”
Everything was fine for a few months until it started all over again.
Lesson: Companies are stupid.
AT&T once sent me a nine-cent refund check. The cost to process and send the check was probably a couple of bucks. I had not canceled service and the nine cents could have been credited to my next bill. I kept the check as a souvenir.
Lesson: Companies are stupid.
When I canceled my Sprint cellphone service the company owed my about $12. I requested a refund several times over several months but it never arrived. One rep even promised to pay me with a personal check just to make me go away. His money never arrived.
I finally got pissed off enough to make up a protest sign and marched in front of the local Sprint office.
The embarrassed manager invited me in to discuss the situation. She checked the records and agreed that the company did indeed owe me the money.
“Unfortunately,” she told me, “Sprint cannot issue refunds to non-customers.” But, if I would switch back to Sprint from Verizon, I could have the refund as a credit on my first bill.
I told her to go to hell.
Lesson: Companies are stupid.
(Not about money, but about a bank, so it goes in this section.) When I lived in the Bronx I had checking and savings accounts at a nearby branch of Citibank.
One time a teller handed me four pieces of paper and I asked for a paper clip. The teller said the bank was not allowed to give paperclips to customers.
I asked why and she said I’d have to ask the manager to find out—but the manager was out and I could make an appointment to discuss the paperclip issue tomorrow.
Lesson: Companies are stupid.
Many restaurants and stores have weekly or daily “specials” that are items that the business chooses to promote—but they are not less expensive than the regular price.
Lesson: There’s often nothing special about a special.
You can sometimes get a better deal, or a discount for paying cash, not just at retail stores (small and large) but even for landscaping, plumbing, moving, dentistry and surgery.
Lesson:
