of this is when someone who is perceived as male takes on feminine attributes of expression. Someone who is seen as a boy and wears a dress to school will usually cause some sort of a fuss. This is because we as a society have assigned certain types of clothing to boys and girls, and anyone who crosses the line immediately gets noticed and even punished. In addition, trans people are not recognised and accepted as their gender because they challenge the idea that the sex and gender we were assigned at birth is an unbreakable truth.
But trans people are absolutely and completely real and their identity and experiences are too. Trans people deserve to be accepted and recognised for who they are, and anyone telling you differently is simply wrong and ignorant about the struggles and lives of trans people. There is no one way to explain why trans people feel the way that they feel – whether it has to do with social expectations, gender roles, genetics, our brain, our culture or whatever. But it sure is a reality – a reality that deserves to be respected.
As we further explore gender and sex in society, we are learning more and more that we don’t really understand it at all. Gender and sex are very complicated concepts that have been established in our social reality. They are a complicated mix of culture, neurology, environmental factors and social expectations, and are limited by our understanding of our social reality and how it affects everything we do. So anyone claiming that they have all the answers to how all of this works must either have supernatural powers where they are unable to remove themselves from our social reality and see it completely objectively as a godly consciousness or – far more likely – they are just as clueless as the rest of us.
GENDER ROLES ARE NOT DEAD – BUT THEY SHOULD BE
While for most people this whole process of assignation seems to work fine, there are few people who can claim that everything that comes with it has always served them in a positive way. Both men and women are confined by certain stereotypical traits and expectations, and although it’s not impossible, it can be very difficult to break out of the mould. For example, women still do the lion’s share of housework and childcare; and when they work outside the home, they are frequently not seen as capable of pursuing careers in science, technology and engineering; instead, they are often steered towards the creative industries or the caring professions. Compared with men, women have more trouble being listened to and respected, and are more often the target of gender-based violence. Men are expected to be the breadwinners and take responsibility for their families; they are not expected to show strong emotions (other than anger) and are not considered capable of taking care of their children. These are just a few examples of things that often come up in the discussion about gender and the roles of women and men in society.
Gender in general has probably done more harm than good. Actually, it’s not that gender is inherently bad – rather it’s the expectations and the oppressive gender roles that we enforce upon people that cause grief. They create inequalities in society and make it harder for trans people to be who they are. In fact, they make it hard for just about anyone who crosses the line of gender expectations. If we want to live in an equal society, we need to stop forcing certain things upon people based on their gender. But how we’re gonna do that is still up for debate – but every little thing counts.
Almost everything in our society can be, and is, gendered in one way or another. We even gender inanimate objects from clothes and toys to cars and even earplugs. Once you start to notice how we constantly gender almost everything and realise how ridiculous it can be, it’s really hard to ‘unsee’ it.
Sophie Labelle, Assigned Male Comics
Telling your friends and family that you’re trans is, quite honestly, really, really scary. Just actually saying the words ‘I’m trans’ can seem like the hardest thing in the world. It can be especially scary if you’re worried that your parents or family members won’t understand or accept you. It’s a fear the majority of trans people have had. But I think all trans people will agree that saying those words, explaining them and being true to yourself is one of the most liberating and lifesaving things they have ever done.
The response you get from coming out to someone depends on their environment, how they were raised, what ideas they have about the world and if they actually know people who are trans or somehow lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex or asexual (LGBTQIA+). If this is the first time they’ve actually known someone who might be trans, it could be quite difficult for them to understand and they might need some time to process the idea. It’s important to remember that people are often shocked – the idea of you being trans isn’t something they had considered and it might be very hard for them to come to terms with. Even though this might have been something you’ve known for a very long time, it might be a complete surprise for them. It’s a process for all of you as a family. That being said, coming out as trans should be about you, your wellbeing and your life.
Having family who don’t respond positively or respond downright negatively can be extremely hard. Sometimes families initially respond negatively and take time to come round to the idea. You may even find that someone who is initially upset or ignorant will eventually become your greatest ally.
Ultimately, what you have to do is stick to your truth and try to explain to them that this is who you are and this is how you feel. You coming out as trans is you being your authentic self and it’s vital for your wellbeing to be able to be who you are.
HOW DO I DO IT?
There are several ways to tell your friends and family, and it’s important to remember that no way is the ‘right way’. For some people it’s having direct private conversations with the ones you want to tell. Others find it hard to express their feelings so directly and prefer to do it in writing (e.g. a written letter, email, SMS text, or through social media platforms). All of these different ways have their pros and cons. If you speak to the person directly, you will have a more direct connection with them and be able to gauge their initial reactions, whereas sending a message will give both you and the person some space to react and think about what’s been said. Remember, there is no right way to do this and it all depends on you and what you feel is most comfortable for yourself.
We did a call-out for coming-out letters and were sent way too many to include here. They ranged from a couple of lines long, all the way up to six pages. No matter what the word count is, what’s clear is how heartfelt and pivotal a letter like this is. It was so very kind of the many trans people who responded to our request and shared their experiences with us.
Support
Having supportive family and friends is perhaps one of the most important things a trans person can have. It means that their inner social circle is accepting and will help them through their journey. There will be many chapters coming up, which might require different types of support. It’s important to surround yourself with those who are supportive, but also remember that family and friends might sometimes need some time before
