This is why it’s also important to seek assistance from organisations or groups in your area that offer counselling, support or events for trans people. Having a trans person or a counsellor you can confide in and talk to can be incredibly helpful. Many trans people often have similar experiences and understanding of situations specific to transitioning. This kind of support shouldn’t be underestimated and you will find many trans people who are eager to give you some of their time. If you’re unsure about where to seek support, some information about useful organisations can be found in Chapter 19.
Unsupportive family and friends
There are cases of people being disowned by their families, simply for wanting to be themselves, and that’s really, really heartbreaking. It can have very severe consequences, such as teens being pushed out of their home situation and not being able to speak to their family members. This is why it’s very important to have people you know will support you, such as other trans people, close friends or other family members. There are many support groups out there that will always lend you a hand so you never have to feel alone. If you’re afraid your family will respond in a very negative or even an aggressive manner, making certain arrangements beforehand is good preparation for that eventuality. Make sure you have a safe place to go and stay for a while if that’s needed, and make sure you surround yourself with people who will support you 100 per cent and unconditionally in what you want to do with your life.
We only have one life, and we have to live it for ourselves. No one should be forced to live in a gender that doesn’t correspond with their gender identity in order to please others. If your family cannot come to terms with you being trans and become abusive and toxic, cutting ties with them and spending time away from them is often better than trying to make amends or get them to understand. In very serious cases, for the sake of your mental and physical wellbeing you might even be forced to move elsewhere for a while until things settle down.
Most families come around in the end and realise that if they do not support their child, they might lose them entirely. Thankfully, as awareness and visibility of trans people has increased a lot in the past few years, people are becoming more and more accepting. If your family or friends are having a hard time it is even worth suggesting you seek counselling together or that they do so separately. There are groups out there that offer support to family members specifically, and they are often worth checking out (see Chapter 19 for details).
Living stealth
While a lot of trans people are now living openly as trans, there are also trans people who do not specifically want to tell everyone around them that they are trans. Obviously, you will need to tell your closest friends and family, but some people wish to remain stealth (living in society without telling people or people knowing that you are trans) to other people.
There are various reasons why some people choose to be stealth. It might be because where they live isn’t very safe to be out and openly trans, and they fear discrimination, stigma or negative reactions. Some people feel as if it’s simply something personal that they do not wish to share with those who aren’t close to them. Whatever the reason might be, anyone who wishes to live stealth has the right to do so and it’s important to respect that.
Telling other people someone is trans without their consent is never okay, especially not if they are stealth. Being stealth allows people to move through the world in a different way and escape being treated differently. It’s also important to realise the positive impact being out and open can have, if you feel safe to do so. In a society where trans people are being more and more accepted, visibility and being open and proud about who we are is incredibly important. Trans people should not have to hide themselves or who they are and this is how change is made.
So do whatever is best for you, based on your personal preference and if it is safe for you to be out. If you have good support from friends and family and live in a place that is generally accepting of LGBTQIA+ people, it certainly makes it a lot easier to be out and proud about who you are. Just being yourself and being proud about it can inspire others and give them the courage to be themselves as well.
EXAMPLES OF COMING-OUT LETTERS
Liam, trans man
Angela and Graham [my mother and step-father],
I must come clean and tell you something I have kept from you.
My name is Liam.
I am Liam Hay.
Your youngest son.
I just hope this doesn’t change your view of me. If this makes things awkward, I apologise.
Please do what you wish after reading this.
I was very scared to tell you and am sorry.
My mates call me Liam, also.
Lots of love
Liam
x x x x
Amy, trans woman
To my friends, family and colleagues,
I have taken great care in writing this letter because what I want from the outset is to pre-emptively explain the things you may wish to know, and to answer the questions you will want to ask. Regardless of my wishes and best intentions, there will remain things that you do not know, and there will remain questions that need asking. All I can say is that I will try as hard as I can to explain everything fully.
The reason I’m taking so much care, putting so much effort into making sure that what I say is what I really and truthfully want to say, is because I am writing to you all to tell you that I am transgender.
If you saw this coming, that’s great! To be honest, in the last few months I haven’t tried so hard to hide it. If you didn’t, please read on so that I can explain to you all what this means. All my life, I have felt that something was wrong. I have always felt wrong in my own body, like I didn’t fit in, as though the world I live in seemed somehow alien to me and did not fit at all with what was happening around me and happening to me. This is called experiencing gender dysphoria.
My gender identity in my brain is that of a woman, but it’s in the body of a man, and it has been this way for the entirety of my existence, regardless of how I’ve been raised or how my life experiences have influenced me.
Imagine for a second what that would be like. Imagine yourself, in the opposite body, and unable to do anything about it. You see the world as a man or woman, but have to live as a woman or man, trying to meet the expectations of society and behave and fit in with the gender that you outwardly portray. Everything about your existence is laced with lies, and there’s nothing that you can do about it.
This is how it is for me, how it’s always been for me. If you’ve always seen me as a ‘blokey’ bloke with the motorbikes, tattoos, martial arts, etc., then I guess it just means I’m a good faker. I’m sorry if this makes you feel betrayed, or wronged. That’s never what I intended to do.
For years I felt that there was nothing I could do about how I felt, and so for years I didn’t intend to do anything about it. Unsurprisingly, this did not work. Transsexuality, as I have found, is not a habit you can break, a mind-set you can force your way out of, or something
