his desire to see us together as we were in my dream; I smiled at him. He scooted close to my side, pulled our hooked pinkies apart in order to intertwine our fingers. The force of that change in the connect was profound. As the warmth spread over my entire body from head to toe as it did to Michael, I lay very still and concentrated on my breathing.
Still propped up on a stack of pillows I was utterly comfortable. It couldn’t have been more perfect and to top it all off, Michael pulled himself up on his elbow to look at me.
He leaned in close and whispered, “May I kiss you? It’s just that when you talked in your sleep and said my name, it was like you were kissing me. I wanted to kiss you but I didn’t have your permission.”
He waited while I filtered the request through my propriety meter. He was surprised when I reacted in an affirmative manner. He didn’t know that that was my opening for the ‘kiss back’. I was excited to see if I could pull it off but I was also a bit afraid for myself. But, oh my God, I saw how happy he was.
So, I went for it.
“Michael, may I give you a kiss back?”
“That would be good.”
He took his time making sure that things fit where he wanted them to fit. We were perfectly aligned; our positions couldn’t have been more strategic. He brought his lips to mine, and brushed them across mine a couple of times, so tender and exquisitely teasing. He then parted his lips to touch my lips with his tongue reaching inside. Then Michael brought his whole mouth down on mine in a domineering move.
“Ok,” I thought, “this isn’t going to be a peck on the cheek.”
In less than a heart beat I was lost in his kiss, his breath, his taste, his scent. “Wait…wait.” What was I doing? Oh God, Michael, never mind.
My hands were in his hair. I wanted to touch every part of him at once. I wanted to see the pleasure in his face. I wanted to hear his sighs and moans and every single utterance he had to say or not say. I wanted it all.
It was quiet at first but insistent, that voice in the way back, it was saying something. Go away voice I’m busy. It’s crazy how alluring a whisper can be. I listened and caught a bit on the wind “..focus..” I held still and listened hard. There it was “…Helen, focus…”
“Please voice,” I begged. I wanted to get lost in that experience.
“Be quiet for awhile.” Before I had to strain to hear it but the voice was getting louder.
“Helen focus on what’s right.”
Oh, I could hear it loud and clear. Was I supposed to answer that riddle while Michael’s lips were on mine? I’m pretty sure that would put the entire cosmic universe out of whack.
‘Helen, focus on what is right’.
Ok. I hear ya but on who’s right, on what I think is right or on what God says is right or what Michael thinks is right, or what?
When the answer came to me, all annoyance with the voice disappeared. The answer was to do what was right for Michael. I was starting to hate doing what was right especially when I got gypped in the process of doing that right thing. I needed to stop the current that was sweeping us away – a tall order and contrary to what I really wanted.
I slowly pulled my arms out from around his neck and wedged them between me and his chest. I needed to put some space between us. Like I said, I’m a slave to my principles.
Wow, that was a long kiss. With my hands flat on his chest, I pushed out and away from me. He was immovable; I put more force into my effort and had to gradually add more and more force until finally Michael ended the kiss. I didn’t know if it was because of my pushing or if it were the natural end to his kiss.
As soon as his lips were away from mine I wanted them back but I knew the ‘kiss back’ would only work if he was at rest and relaxed, so I used the space Michael created when he ended the kiss to get a clear head.
“Michael,” I whispered. “Please hold me tight. Help me stop the progression of the reconnect.” I knew that he didn’t want to and I’m sure he knew that I didn’t really want to but I needed for it to stop.
Michael laid his entire body on top of mine and removed all support. It felt like a heavy blanket was thrown over me. As he went limp and became a dead weight, I wrapped my arms around him and held tight and then didn’t move. I could feel his breathing on my face and neck. His breath was sweet and the musk scent was back mingled with the wild honeysuckle. Lordy, it was a heady combination and one that could derail my best intentions. Like I hoped it would, the calm returned.
“Michael that was difficult to come back from.”
But Michael wasn’t hearing well just yet. He needed more time. We continued in our immobile state for minutes more before Michael rolled off of me and held my hand and then finally hooked pinkies.
We took our deep sighs and synchronized our breathing; we gained control once again.
Neither of us said a word as we lay there allowing the calm and balance to return. Our sighs were simultaneous and the pull that wanted to complete the connection lulled into an intense desire and then to gratitude and then to a focused concern for each other.
Michael found the remote control and flipped through the channels looking for what, I didn’t know. I felt like crying again but just concentrated on our breathing – actually on Michael’s breathing. It was pleasurable to hear his intake of breath - steady and even like mine.
There was apparently nothing on TV that interested him as he clicked off the power and tossed the remote onto the night stand.
There was silence for a long time. We were in our own heads.
“I’m sorry.”
I heard Michael whisper.
“I shouldn’t have done that. But in my defense, who knew the connection would take over?”
I felt like arguing that we both knew the connection would take charge. We both knew what this odd entity would contribute to the ridiculously insistent pull to ignite our passion. What we didn’t know was if we could stop it – now we knew.
“You are a slave to your principles and I guess I’m a slave to my libido.”
“There’s no need to apologize. We’re in this together and I allowed it – no I encouraged it. I wanted it, too. I wanted you and still do.”
Then I added, “I’m not mad about it, as a matter of fact, I’m proud of us. We were on the brink but were able to pull ourselves back. We’ve gained more than a modicum of control. The process was painful and made we want to cry again.”
“I was completely into it; I was lost in the moment. I felt you taste me when you sucked on my tongue – a move I’ve never experienced before. It was awesome but will take quite an effort to recall due to how completely lost I was.”
He was quiet for a moment, thinking of the experience, I’m sure he was trying to bring it to his mind so he could lay it out to look at and examine every angle. Well, anyway that would be me.
When
