semi-colon all utilities included period No pets comma no illegal activities period If you are a quiet comma clean comma responsible person m-dash who can provide background references and a security deposit of dollar-sign two-hundred and fifty m-dash you will find a great home here period Six month lease available period Please call or email with any questions period Hurry, limited time offer exclamation point.”
London stared, trying to remember if ze’d even breathed through the recitation. It took her a couple of minutes to piece together the words.
It was her ad on the website:
Space for rent
$500 / 140 square feet. No lease housemate requested. Internet, heat and utilities included. Eastside Madison just off Northport.
No lease. Includes own furnished room in two story bungalow. Private bathroom; all utilities included. No pets, no illegal activities. If you are a quiet, clean, responsible person -- who can provide background references and a security deposit of $250 -- you will find a great home here. Six month lease available. Please call or email with any questions. Hurry, limited time offer!
When the person continued to stand there, London blinked away her confusion and scolded, “You know I had a boyfriend as weird as you. Seriously, it’s just wrong to pronounce punctuation.” She made to close the door, but a noise stopped her.
The person, ducking zis head to the side, made a sound in the back of zis throat again, looking quietly discomfited. “I will not pronounce punctuation again. I would still like to inquire about the space for rent.” Ze added, “please,” although the effect was ruined at zis confusion.
“Ah, right.” London found herself backing up, her bank statement still clutched in her hand, as a wave of compassion came over her. “Um, come on in. Let me show you the room. But please ignore the living room; it’s a little messy in here. I wasn’t actually expecting that quick of a response.” She walked a couple of steps towards the rental room, muttering, “And not expecting anyone to show up on my doorstep.”
“The ad required speed.” Ze spoke up from zis post by the doorway. London whipped her head around, wondering how ze heard her from way over there. But no, ze couldn’t have heard her. Ze was commenting about the living room.
“If you wanted to see the room, you might have to walk over this way.” Ze obliged, a stiff hesitant step as if ze was uncertain where to plant zis feet. London looked at the floor, but couldn’t see anything that would make a person wary. She’d cleaned up, even swept. There was nothing between them but the rug and couch. Nothing was even out of place; nothing was in the way. She’d even swept up the dust bunnies.
She waited, tapping her foot. Ze finally made it over to the door, taking a second to peek in. London tried to see it from a stranger’s point of view. There was a full-size bed in one corner of the room. To its right, the closet; the door was opened and the rack and shelves above were bare. Along the next wall was a window. A light breeze ruffled the beige curtain, hopefully invitingly. Next to it, a pressed wood five-drawer dresser stood. It was also empty, although the drawers were currently closed.
London couldn’t help but remember when the room had been her boyfriend’s bedroom-turned-office. Hauling all his shit to the curb had been one way to sever ties, in case he hadn’t gotten the hint when she threw him out. She’d been thinking of making the room into a guest room before she’d had to advertise it as rental space.
“I will rent this space. I would like to stay here for the next six months. Do I give you the background references and security deposit of two hundred and fifty dollars now?”
London snapped her head back to zim again. “What!? Don’t you want to check to see if the closet is big enough? Check out the dresser? I have to show you the bathroom you’ll use. I mean, I have one… This is a two-bedroom, two-bath house, so you get your own bathroom.”
“Is it not common to have two baths in a house?” The person asked, ducking zis head to step into the room, zis big feet remarkably silent on the plush carpeting.
London stared for a second. “I’m not sure. I think it depends on the house.” She looked around the room, waiting for zim to satisfy zis curiosity. “Don’t you want to look in the drawers or the closet?” She swung her hand around the room and its furniture.
Ze obliged her by opening a drawer, although with a bit of difficulty. Finally ze accomplished the task and glanced inside before pushing it shut again. Ze opened another one, closed it. Opened another and closed it as well. London couldn’t help but wonder if ze thought she might have left something in there.
She cleared her throat to get zis attention. When that didn’t seem to work, she spoke up, trying for patience. “Um, would you like to see the bathroom?”
Ze stopped incessantly opening the drawers, hands dropping to zis sides. Then ze turned in one quick motion. “Yes,” ze replied tersely.
London turned and lead her possible housemate to the bathroom. She stepped to the side to let zim look in, and only then realized that ze wasn’t following her. She grumbled a little under her breath, praying ze wasn’t going through her underwear drawer. But she was pleasantly surprised to realize ze was still standing by the dresser where she’d left zim.
“You know, when I ask you if you want to see something and then walk away, that generally means I want you to follow me. While I’m really glad you’re not wandering aimlessly, it’s a little hard to talk to you and show you stuff if you don’t follow.”
Ze gave a short nod. London shook her head. She needed to get this showing over as soon as she could. Very slowly, she asked, “Would you like to walk with me so you can check out the bathroom?”
“Yes.” Ze replied firmly. London turned around to lead the way, but kept looking back to make sure that ze was actually following this time. They finally made it to the bathroom. Again she stepped to the side to allow zim to walk in. Ze did when she motioned for zim to do so, ducking zis head again to fit under the doorway.
She looked expectantly at zim. Ze didn’t seem to care about the room at all. Instead ze said, “It is a bathroom.”
“Uh, right, yes.” London said, trying to explain, “It’s yours. Or it would be yours to use if you rent the room. So you won’t have to worry about sharing, unless either of us have guests over.” When the person didn’t confirm nor deny the possibility, she continued, “You are very tall though, so you may want to step into the shower to see if you’re okay with the fit. Um, while you look in here, I’m going to go grab the information sheet in case you want to call about it later.”
She practically ran to the kitchen to the pile of pre-printed fliers. She fished one out of the manila folder and hurried back to the bathroom. She peeked her head in, and was confused when she didn’t see her prospective roommate.
“Um, excuse me? Sir? Or ma’am? Where did you go?”
A door to her left opened and out stepped the prospective tenant.
London wondered if she’d really just seen that. She couldn’t stop herself from asking, “Um, what were you doing in the closet?”
“This room is not the shower?”
“Uh, no.” She shook her head emphatically. “No, in no place is a closet a shower. Where are you from anyway?”
Ze
