for people, but for a sound ... any sound. I turn to run back toward town, but there’s nothing behind me now but the same gray moss and gray sky and dead silence.”
*
By the time she reached the last word, her throat had tightened until speaking was difficult. She reached out blindly for something to cling to. Her groping hand met Dr. Andrews’ and his warm fingers closed reassuringly around hers. Gradually the panic drained away, but she could think of nothing to say at all, although she longed to have the silence broken. As if he sensed her longing, Dr. Andrews said, “You started having the dream more often just after you told Paul you wouldn’t marry him, is that right?”
“No. It was the other way around. I hadn’t had it for months, not since I fell in love with him, then he got assigned to that “Which Tomorrow?” show and he started calling me “Lucky,” the way everybody does, and the dream came back....” She stopped short, and turned on the couch to stare at the psychiatrist with startled eyes. “But that can’t be how it was,” she said. “The lonesomeness must have started after I decided not to marry him, not before.”
“I wonder why the dream stopped when you fell in love with him.”
“That’s easy,” Lucilla said promptly, grasping at the chance to evade her own more disturbing question. “I felt close to him, whether he was with me or not, the way I used to feel close to people back when I was a little girl, before ... well, before that day in the mountains ... when Mother said....”
“That was when you started having the dream, wasn’t it?”
“How’d you know? I didn’t—not until just now. But, yes, that’s when it started. I’d never minded the dark or being alone, but I was frightened when Mother shut the door that night, because the walls seemed so ... so solid, now that I knew all the thoughts I used to think were with me there were just pretend. When I finally went to sleep, I dreamed, and I went on having the same dream, night after night after night, until finally they called a doctor and he gave me something to make me sleep.”
“I wish they’d called me,” Dr. Andrews said.
“What could you have done? The sleeping pills worked, anyway, and after a while I didn’t need them any more, because I’d heard other kids talking about having hunches and lucky streaks and I stopped feeling different from the rest of them, except once in a while, when I was so lucky it ... bothered me.”
“And after you met Paul, you stopped being ... too lucky ... and the dream stopped?”
“No!” Lucilla was startled at her own vehemence. “No, it wasn’t like that at all, and you’d know it, if you’d been listening. With Paul, I felt close to him all the time, no matter how many miles or walls or anything else there were between us. We hardly had to talk at all, because we seemed to know just what the other one was thinking all the time, listening to music, or watching the waves pound in or just working together at the office. Instead of feeling ... odd ... when I knew what he was thinking or what he was going to say, I felt good about it, because I was so sure it was the same way with him and what I was thinking. We didn’t talk about it. There just wasn’t any need to.” She lapsed into silence again. Dr. Andrews straightened her clenched hand out and stroked the fingers gently. After a moment, she went on.
“He hadn’t asked me to marry him, but I knew he would, and there wasn’t any hurry, because everything was so perfect, anyway. Then one of the company’s clients decided to sponsor a series of fantasy shows on TV and wanted us to tie in the ads for next year with the fantasy theme. Paul was assigned to the account, and G.G. let him borrow me to work on it, because it was such a rush project. I’d always liked fairy stories when I was little and when I discovered there were grown-up ones, too, like those in Unknown Worlds and the old Weird Tales, I read them, too. But I hadn’t any idea how much there was, until we started buying copies of everything there was on the news-stands, and then ransacking musty little stores for back issues and ones that had gone out of publication, until Paul’s office was just full of teetery piles of gaudy magazines and everywhere you looked there were pictures of strange stars and eight-legged monsters and men in space suits.”
“So what do the magazines have to do with you and Paul?”
“The way he felt about them changed everything. He just laughed at the ones about space ships and other planets and robots and things, but he didn’t laugh when came across stories about ... well, mutants, and people with talents....”
“Talents? Like reading minds, you mean?”
She nodded, not looking at him. “He didn’t laugh at those. He acted as if they were ... well, indecent. The sort of thing you wouldn’t be caught dead reading in public. And he thought that way, too, especially about the stories that even mentioned telepathy. At first, when he brought them to my attention in that disapproving way, I thought he was just pretending to sneer, to tease me, because he—we—knew they could be true. Only his thoughts matched his remarks. He hated the stories, Dr. Andrews, and was just determined to have me hate them, too. All at once I began to feel as if I didn’t know him at all and I began to wonder if I’d just imagined everything all those months I felt so close to him. And then I began to dream again, and to think about that lonesome silent world even when I was wide awake.”
“Go on, Lucilla,” Dr. Andrews said, as she hesitated.
“That’s all, just about. We finished the job and got rid of the magazines and for a little while it was almost as if those two weeks had never been, except I couldn’t forget that he didn’t know what I was thinking at all, even when everything he did, almost, made it seem as if he did. It began to seem wrong for me to know what he was thinking. Crazy, like Mother had said, and worse, somehow. Not well, not even nice, if you know what I mean.”
“Then he asked you to marry him.”
“And I said no, even when I wanted, oh, so terribly, to say yes and yes and yes.” She squeezed her eyes tight shut to hold back a rush of tears.
*
Time folded back on itself. Once again, the hands of her wristwatch pointed to 4:30 and the white-clad receptionist said briskly, “Doctor will see you now.” Once again, from some remote vantage point, Lucilla watched herself brush past Dr. Andrews and cross to the familiar couch, heard herself say, “It’s getting worse,” watched herself move through a flickering montage of scenes from childhood to womanhood, from past to present.
She opened he eyes to meet those of the man who sat patiently beside her. “You see,” he said, “telling me wasn’t so difficult, after all.” And then, before she had decided on a response, “What do you know about Darwin’s theory of evolution, Lucilla?”
His habit of ending a tense moment by making an irrelevant query no longer even startled her. Obediently, she fumbled for an answer. “Not much. Just that he thought all the different kinds of life on earth today evolved from a few blobs of protoplasm that sprouted wings or grew fur or developed teeth, depending on when they lived, and where.” She paused hopefully, but met with only silence. “Sometimes what seemed like a step forward wasn’t,” she said, ransacking her brain for scattered bits of information. “Then the species died out, like the saber-tooth tiger, with those tusks that kept right on growing until they locked his jaws shut, so he starved to death.” As she spoke, she remembered the huge beast as he had been pictured in one of her college textbooks. The recollection grew more and more vivid, until she could see both the picture and the facing page of text. There was an irregularly shaped inkblot in the upper corner and several heavily underlined sentences that stood out so distinctly she could actually read the words.
