Eva shook her head emphatically. ‘You can pay for the materials but my time is free.’
‘Are you sure?’ He frowned at her.
There was no way she would take money from him but equally she didn’t want him to be uncomfortable with the arrangement. ‘As long as you’re happy to help Jamie with his maths now and again then that’s more than enough payment.’ Eva held her breath, hoping she hadn’t overstepped some boundary. But to her relief Ben seemed happy with that and nodded.
‘I guess we have a deal then.’
‘I guess we do.’ She smiled back. ‘So when would you like me to start?’
He shrugged. ‘I’ll give you back the keys and as far as I’m concerned you can come and go as you please.’
‘I’ll probably just come in after Jamie’s left for school and I’ve walked Hamish. Does that sound all right with you?’
Eva finished her tea, her head already busy with things to organize. She loved that moment of starting a new project. Although Ben had admitted to being pretty clueless with interiors she couldn’t assume she had a total free rein.
‘Are there any colours that are a definite no-no? Anything you really dislike or are you happy to leave it up to me?’
He narrowed his eyes, pretended to think hard. ‘No lime green or pink,’ he said solemnly.
‘Okay, I’ll try and remember that.’ Eva laughed. ‘And what about the flooring? Will you want a new carpet or maybe you’d like to have the floorboards sanded? It wouldn’t take much …’
She stopped. Ben was holding up his hands, looking bemused. She took a breath. ‘Sorry, I tend to get a rush of ideas … I’ll let you know when I need any decisions made.’
‘Really, I wouldn’t know where to start choosing colours and … things. I’m happy to leave it all in your hands.’
‘If you’re sure then.’
‘I’m sure. And Eva?’
‘Yes?’
‘Thanks.’
After Ben had left, Eva finished off tidying up the kitchen, feeling a buzz of anticipation. She ignored the voice in the back of her head asking why she was really doing this and whether it was such a good idea. She hoped she hadn’t made a monumental mistake. But then she chided herself. It wasn’t such a big deal; it was just a mutually beneficial arrangement between neighbours. She thought of the long winter months ahead. It would be good to have something to occupy her.
Eva was running. Faster and faster she ran but her legs were about to buckle from under her. Desperately she tried to escape but something dark and menacing was closing in behind her, so close it was almost touching her.
She jerked awake drenched in sweat, her body trembling with fear. She sat up, her heart pounding so strongly in her chest she could hardly take a breath. It was always the same horrible dream – the one she’d first had after Paul was killed. Months could go by but Eva always knew the dream was the first sign anxiety had come knocking.
Rubbing her face, she checked the time to discover it was only five o’clock. Knowing there was no chance of sleep again she climbed out of bed, wrapped herself in her dressing gown, and went down to the kitchen. Her breathing still felt raggedy and her fingers fumbled as she filled the kettle. She glanced at Hamish still curled up in his basket – too early even for him.
Resisting her usual caffeine fix she opted instead for a soothing camomile tea and carried her cup through to the living room. She opened the blinds and took a seat opposite the window. Taking slow deep breaths she let the darkness and silence wash over her until she began to feel her heartbeat return to normal – a ritual she’d done many times before.
Eva could pinpoint the exact moment anxiety became part of her life. It had been the moment she opened her front door in the small cottage she and Paul rented near Aviemore to find two police officers on the doorstep. She knew by their sympathetic, sombre expressions it wasn’t going to be good news. Paul had been in an accident and had been taken to hospital. With her heart pounding and stomach churning, Eva lifted Jamie from his bed and bundled him into the back of the police car. Even before they arrived at the hospital in Inverness, Eva was able to guess what had happened.
Paul had often described to her the joys of skiing off-piste. He said there was no sensation on earth to match the freedom of floating down a remote mountainside on fresh powder. He’d always tried to convince her he was safe, telling her he was avalanche aware and that he had all the right safety equipment. He even quoted statistics – skiing had proportionately fewer fatalities than cycling or swimming.
After Jamie was born, Eva had made Paul promise not to go off-piste but she knew he hadn’t been able to resist. He’d been with a friend who had managed to call for help but it was too late. By the time they reached the hospital, Paul had died from a head injury after falling and probably hitting a hidden rock. Eva had no chance to see him one last time. All that life, all that energy wiped out in an instant. That night, something deep inside her had shifted – a cold fear had crept in and never really left.
Although life had moved on, anxiety had stayed as an unwelcome guest. Eva could always feel it, like a cold hand on her shoulder, ready to squeeze fear into her at any moment, a terrible legacy from that day. Since then, Eva had done everything possible to keep life stable and safe for her and Jamie. She knew that had led to her being overprotective, trying to control too much. She didn’t want the unexpected or unknown in her life and yet in the last few days she felt something changing.
And Eva knew it was because of Ben. He was making her feel different, as if she was stepping out of a shell she had created. She thought about Jamie’s trip and knew she couldn’t put her decision off any longer. Of course she wanted him to go and have an amazing time. As uneasy as it made her feel, she knew she had to try not to give in to her fears. It wasn’t fair on Jamie. Had Ben’s words made a difference? Did knowing he was now next door make her feel more secure in some way? She wasn’t sure.
What she did know was that life was changing and something deep within her was shifting. Jamie was growing up and she knew she had to try and embrace the change. Eva sat for a long time and finally she felt a sense of calm. Outside she could see the light beginning to reclaim the day. She took a final deep breath and knew it was time to tell Jamie he could go.
***
Ben’s tutorial on thermal physics had just ended and he was back in his office sitting at his desk. It was Friday afternoon and outside darkness was looming so he switched on his small desk lamp for extra light. His office at the university was a tiny, cramped room at the end of a long corridor in the physics building. There was a small window overlooking the quadrangle and just enough room for a desk, a chair, and a bookshelf. Ben loved it.
Slowly he could start to feel his life in London fade away. Almost as if he was recovering from living in the city, from the constant barrage of sights and sounds that had assaulted his senses every day. He thought about his old life – on and off the tube, the crowds and fumes and the gruelling hours. He had been a cog in a never-ending wheel of money-making madness and he was relieved he was no longer
