the window just in time to see a red sports car pull away. Eva felt herself slump. Ben hadn’t even come to say goodbye, clearly eager to be off.
What had just happened? Everything seemed to be going well and then they’d had that strange conversation about his work and now he had zoomed off with his colleague. Eva was beginning to think of Ben as a friend, someone she could talk to. She wondered if she’d been forcing herself on him in some way. Her hand flew to her mouth with a sickly realization that it had all been her – her asking him for coffee, to share pizza … even offering to decorate his house. Was he just being polite all this time? She thought they were becoming friends, even imagining a chemistry between them but seeing him with his colleague she knew they belonged in different worlds.
She cringed thinking she’d actually asked him what the conference was about. Eva pictured them discussing quantum theory or whatever the hell it was before it became so heated they jumped into bed together for a night of physics-fuelled passion. Eva was more likely to be the person who came to change the sheets in the morning. With a heavy heart she turned from the window, the thought of them together making her feel quite nauseous. She gave herself a little shake when Gary spoke to her.
‘All right, Eva? That’s me about finished.’ Gary smiled, oblivious to her turmoil. Eva squared her shoulders and returned his smile.
‘Thanks, Gary. How about a cup of tea?’ she asked. Gary grinned his approval and Eva went to fill the kettle.
***
Rattled by his conversation with Eva, Ben stared despondently out of the car window as Kat drove them to Glasgow. Kat was chatting, something about an amazing hotel she’d stayed at in Milan last year, but Ben wasn’t really listening. He was thinking of Eva’s reaction when he’d told her he worked in the city. It was like seeing a reflection of his own distaste for what he had done. Hearing the hint of scorn in her voice and seeing the dismay in her face bothered him.
He remembered his first big bonus; it was crazy. He had stared at his bank balance, hardly believing the amount of zeros. Every day he had worked in the city was a day his mother received the best care but that didn’t stop him questioning his decision every day and it didn’t stop him feeling guilty.
Ben rolled down the window in the car slightly to let in some air. The strong scent of Kat’s perfume and the way she kept turning her head to speak to him was making him feel claustrophobic. He wasn’t oblivious to the obvious charms his colleague was now displaying. She wasn’t exactly subtle about it. They just didn’t nothing for him; in fact they left him cold. He cast her a sideways glance, realizing something about her reminded him of Samantha. The type of woman who knew what she wanted and wasn’t afraid to go after it.
Ben had never had trouble attracting women and although he wasn’t a saint, he’d never felt the need to chase after women the way some of his friends had done when they were younger. He’d had relationships but nothing that had lasted or been serious. Studying, working, and caring for his mother had been his priorities and somewhere along the line between losing his father and then his mother to her illness, he supposed he had instinctively put up defences as a means of self-preservation.
He had met Samantha in the club he frequented some evenings after work, people from different offices often blending into one crowd as the night wore on including his colleagues and the group Samantha was with. Ben had noticed her – she always looked good and dressed impeccably – and occasionally they acknowledged each other with a nod or a smile.
One evening she had dropped her purse, Ben picked it up for her, and they had started talking, ordering more drinks. He wasn’t sure who asked who but they had arranged to meet for brunch and a walk on Hampstead Heath the next day. They had talked easily, Ben liking that she was direct and undemanding, and they started to see each other regularly or at least as often as their schedules allowed.
Samantha always had that polished look and Ben had been aware of the admiring glances when she walked into a room. She exuded confidence and always knew the right things to say to the right people. They ate in the best restaurants, got their hands on the impossible-to-get-tickets for the theatre, and received endless invitations to dinner parties. She talked about her work. A lot. Whereas Ben wanted to forget about work at the end of each day, Samantha would happily dissect her day, her colleagues, her chances of promotion.
Now with distance and time between him and his old life, Ben could see with the money he earned he’d also bought into a certain way of life. Samantha and the lifestyle were a by-product of the money he earned and he had gone along with it. He had functioned, done what he had to do. It was only after his mother died he admitted to himself just how unhappy he’d become.
Samantha had never come with Ben to visit his mother on Sunday, preferring to go to the gym and meet her friends to hang out at one of their trendy eating places. Ben hadn’t minded – she worked hard all week and he certainly didn’t expect her to accompany him each weekend.
But over time, as the visits grew more difficult and Ben watched his mother deteriorate, something within him began to change. He was painfully aware that when he lost his mother he would have no family, nothing to stay in London for except Samantha. A vision of the future began to form in his mind. He dreamed of leaving his job in the city, returning to academia, and starting a family. The dream had sustained him on the darkest days and made the visits more bearable.
The day of his mother’s funeral was the worst of his life. Rain fell from black clouds as he thanked friends and the care workers from the care home who had attended. But of course there had been no family to share his grief and Ben had felt a terrible darkness in his heart.
It had been his birthday the following week and to his dismay Samantha had produced tickets for a day at the races for them. ‘Something to cheer you up,’ she told him. The idea of going was bad enough; that she had misread his mood so badly was even worse.
Even so, when he told her about being in touch with Professor Drummond and the idea of starting afresh in Scotland she had initially been all in favour. Now he knew the move for Samantha had been about her career. Her dream had been about setting up a business and when a better offer came along, she had simply taken it.
He inhaled deeply, staring out of the car window, reminding himself that was all behind him, all in the past. They had come off the motorway now and the traffic had started to slow as they made their way to the university through Glasgow’s west end. Kat tapped her manicured nails on the steering wheel and Ben smiled to himself. She was impatient to get wherever it was she was going. An image of Eva’s hands came to his mind. They didn’t looked manicured; they looked hard-working and natural.
‘So, I take it you’re going to the ceilidh?’ Kat broke into his reflections.
He nodded. ‘I don’t think we have much choice in the matter. Hasn’t the Professor issued a three-line whip?’
‘Sounds like fun – we can go together if you’d like?’
He would go for the Professor, of course, but the thought of the evening wasn’t holding much appeal for Ben at the moment. He wasn’t exactly feeling sociable.
Kat looked at him expectantly when he didn’t respond immediately. For some reason thoughts of Eva filled his head again and the words left his mouth before he’d thought it through.
‘Thanks, but actually I’m already bringing someone.’
‘Oh?’ Kat threw him a cool look. ‘Well, I guess I’ll need to find someone else then.’
