over the years, but this newest doctor, Elizabeth Cranberg, is the area expert in managing this illness. And Jack seemed to like her. But for some reason, like so many other patients with a chronic illness, once he feels better he stops taking his meds. And then he tends to suffer a bad relapse.”
Jiminy Cricket, she never would have suspected Jadon’s brother had paranoid schizophrenia. She swallowed hard, hearing the exhaustion in his tone. She couldn’t even imagine how hard it must be to live with someone with such a debilitating condition.
No wonder Jadon had been so protective of their psych patient Mitch. She understood now why he’d snapped at Susan that night.
He’d lived with someone who was just like Mitch.
“But, Jadon, schizophrenia does tend to run in families,” she said, her stomach tied up in knots. She’d learned that much in her psych class. “I’m worried about our daughters.”
Jadon’s expression was grim. “Normally schizophrenia does run in families. But I researched this extensively the first time I left, and I discovered there are other reasons people come down with a form of schizophrenia. Jack was a wild child when we were young. He got mixed up in a rough crowd during middle school and began experimenting with drugs. That’s when we first noticed his behavior had changed. We put him in treatment several times. Even years later, when his drug screens were finally negative, his behavior was still erratic. I got him in to see Dr. Elizabeth Cranberg and she confirmed that his case didn’t show the classic signs of schizophrenia. She thought it was more likely related to his drug use, especially as there is no family history.”
Had Jadon worried about coming down with the disease, too? Being Jack’s identical twin, he must have thought about the possibility. She couldn’t imagine how he must have felt, watching his twin and wondering if he might be next.
“Is that why you told me you weren’t interested in a long-term relationship when we first met?” she asked.
Jadon momentarily closed his eyes, his expression pained. “Yes. I didn’t tell you the truth from the very beginning because I was embarrassed. Maybe a little ashamed. I’ve had to live with the stigma of mental illness my whole life. My family has struggled for a long time. Jack’s illness ruined my parents’ marriage and then, when my father remarried, his second wife couldn’t cope either. You can see why I’d never planned on making a commitment.”
The truth still had the power to hurt. Obviously if she hadn’t fallen pregnant, they wouldn’t be sitting here, having this conversation.
She felt nauseous. The last thing she’d planned to do was to trap Jadon into something he didn’t want. Something he’d gone to great lengths to avoid.
The same way her mother had inadvertently trapped her father. Who’d left once the novelty of being a parent had worn off. She knew comparing Jadon to her father wasn’t fair—he at least accepted his responsibilities. But she wanted more.
“I always thought you didn’t care about me, as you never once talked about your feelings.”
“I do care about you, Alyssa. Very much. I missed you more than I ever would have imagined. But then Jack needed me and I used him as an excuse to leave. I came back, thinking of getting in touch with you, only to find out you were pregnant.”
“And me being pregnant meant more responsibility for you,” she guessed in a low tone.
“Not just that,” he argued. “Alyssa, I’m trying to protect you, to keep you and our daughters away from the stress of dealing with Jack’s illness.”
After seeing Mitch, she could somewhat understand what he meant. “Are you saying he’s violent?”
“Psych patients are unpredictable. They’re really not violent very often, unless provoked. Jack and I were in an argument once and a former girlfriend of mine got in the middle of it, making things worse, and he shoved her, knocking her right off her feet.” Jadon’s lips thinned. “I didn’t blame her when she broke off our relationship.”
Dear heaven. She could only imagine. Yet she didn’t like his fatalistic attitude. “So where does that leave us?”
He slowly shook his head. “I don’t know. Jack is my responsibility, not yours. I don’t want the same thing that happened to my parents to happen to us.”
She wanted to be glad Jadon had finally opened up about his feelings, admitting he at least cared for her, but her thrill of hope was overshadowed by his news.
Could she really live with the stress he described? On top of having preemie twins? She honestly wasn’t sure.
“I stopped by the hospital on my way home,” he said. “Gretchen looks so much better with her mask off.”
Alyssa nodded, grateful for the change in subject. “Yes, she does. I’m relieved both girls are doing well. If they don’t have any more complications, and continue to gain weight, Dr. Downer thought they’d probably come home by Christmas.”
“The perfect Christmas present,” Jadon said with a smile.
She couldn’t smile back, already thinking of how Jadon would want to go home to see his family for Christmas. Without her and their daughters. Deep down, she could admit that while she’d been determined to be happy raising the girls alone, she’d also secretly wanted a traditional two-parent family. But Jadon wasn’t free to be a part of her family. Not the way she wanted. The magnitude of their problems seemed greater and greater.
“Alyssa, I know I don’t have much to offer you, but I’d still like to take you back to my house.”
Earlier, she’d wanted nothing more than to go back with Jadon. Had been upset that he’d left her again. But now she wanted more than their half relationship.
She wanted it all. She wanted love and commitment.
“I’m sorry, Jadon. But I can’t. Not right now.” Maybe not ever, if he wasn’t willing to try.
He stared at her for a long moment. “Alyssa, you don’t even have a bed to sleep in. At least come back to my place so you can get some rest.”
She shook her head. “I’m fine here, really. And I have my car, too. Please understand, I need time. Time to assimilate what you’ve told me.”
He dropped his head in his hands in apparent defeat. “All right. But please call me. No matter what you need.”
“I will.”
Jadon slowly stood and moved toward the doorway. He stopped, glanced back at her as if he wanted to say something, but then remained silent as he let himself out of her apartment, gently closing the door behind him.
Alyssa stretched out on the sofa, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. A twin brother with emotional disturbances. No wonder Jadon rarely talked about his feelings. He’d probably learned early on to repress his emotions when his brother was acting out. She’d fallen in love with him, but Jadon hadn’t said anything about love. He was certainly a pro at handling responsibility, though.
She and the babies were just more responsibilities for him to deal with.
Jadon
