seemed like a good compromise, but the anxious expression in Alyssa’s eyes when he’d told her about Jack’s problems convinced him he’d been right all along. The stress would be too much.
Deep down, he knew it was better that he’d come clean with the truth.
He cared about her too much to expose her to the same problems his parents had faced.
And as much as he wanted nothing more than to be with Alyssa, to watch Grace and Gretchen as they grew, he couldn’t renounce his brother.
Jack was his responsibility, too.
Did he have to give up one family to care for the other?
He pulled into his driveway, trudging up to the cold, empty house.
An impossible situation, no matter which way he looked at it.
Jadon didn’t get much sleep. Using his palms to rub the grit from his burning eyes, he staggered to the bathroom, hoping a shower would make a difference in how he felt.
No such luck.
On the way out of the shower, he stopped outside the new nursery, a wave of hopelessness overwhelming him. Would he and Alyssa have to agree to some sort of joint-custody arrangement? He couldn’t imagine she’d do that willingly, and how could he push the issue when the twins were still so small?
He turned away from the smiling ballerinas in the pictures hanging over the two cribs, set against pale pink walls he’d painted late into the middle of the night as a surprise for Alyssa. It hurt to remember how excited he’d been, how he’d agonized over the decor, hoping and praying Alyssa would like what he’d done. For her. For their family.
Talk about being in a state of denial. Fantasizing about having a family with Alyssa had been nothing more than an idealistic dream. How could he have forgotten, even for a moment, the impact of Jack’s illness?
He turned away from the cheerful nursery to head into the kitchen. His appetite had disappeared so he settled for a cup of coffee, sipping out of his mug and staring sightlessly outside. The snow from last night had stopped, and the warmth of the sun had burned away the clouds, glimmering brightly off the newly fallen snow.
If only the sun could warm his heart, too.
As he was scheduled to work nights, he decided to go to the hospital early to visit the girls, figuring he could try to get some sleep later.
The drive to Cedar Bluff Hospital was short and within fifteen minutes he walked into the nursery, not entirely surprised to see Alyssa had already arrived. The rapt expression on her face was so poignantly serene as she rocked back and forth, nursing Grace, it stopped him in his tracks.
His chest tightened painfully, making it difficult to breathe. She’d never looked so beautiful.
So content.
He loved her. The knowledge hit like a truckload of Christmas trees. Good grief, he loved her. Loved Alyssa with all his heart and soul. Had begun to fall in love with her even before he’d had to leave to rescue Jack all those months ago. The idea that he could be intimate with her and yet keep his heart isolated from her was laughable.
She was everything he’d wanted in a wife, a mother for his children.
And in some dark region of his mind he realized the best thing he could do for her, and for Grace and Gretchen, was to provide for them financially while keeping them far away from the impact of his messed-up family.
Which meant keeping them distant from himself, too.
Alyssa felt Jadon’s gaze and glanced up from where Grace was successfully nursing to look at him.
The admiration in his heated glance made her mouth go dry. For a moment they stared at each other, but then he broke the connection, looking away, and the expression was gone.
Had she imagined it? She didn’t think so.
She swallowed hard and glanced back down at Grace, confused all over again. She’d pretty much made up her mind to accept losing Jadon and the family she’d always wanted.
But now she wasn’t so sure.
“Gracie is nursing better, isn’t she?” Jadon asked in a low voice, as if to not disturb the baby.
She nodded. “Gretchen still doesn’t nurse very much, but Grace is becoming a pro. She doesn’t nurse for long, but as long as she’s gaining weight, I’m happy.”
“Has she?” Jadon stepped closer. “Gained weight, I mean.”
“Yes, two full ounces.” She never would have realized just how important the smallest accomplishment was for a preemie. But gaining two ounces was a very big deal.
Gretchen hadn’t gained weight—in fact, she’d lost another ounce, probably a result of her time wearing the CPAP mask and battling pneumonia.
Although the mask was off, Alyssa knew Gretchen wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. The tiny twin wasn’t nearly as strong as Grace.
“Wonderful. And Gretchen?” he asked.
She shook her head. “No, down another ounce.”
For a long moment Jadon stared down into Gretchen’s isolette. The baby was getting a tube feeding, so they couldn’t hold her until the feeding was finished.
“Jack is older than me by about two and a half minutes,” Jadon mused. “But he was much larger than I was, almost a full pound. The doctor said that sometimes one twin can actually steal nourishment from the second twin, especially in cases where the twins are identical, sharing one placenta.”
“Really?” She hadn’t known that. Good thing Grace and Gretchen hadn’t been that far apart in weight, although they were also fraternal and not identical twins. “How big were you?”
“Only two and a half pounds,” Jadon said. “My mother said I was in the neonatal ICU for a full week longer than Jack. And because I was so small, and needed so much more care, both she and my dad focused all their attention on me.”
She began to see where Jadon’s bout of reminiscing was going. “Do you think that’s why Jack went a little wild when he was older? Because he was always competing for your parents’ attention?”
Jadon tucked his hands in his pockets and lifted a shoulder. “I imagine that could be one theory. Despite my small size, and being delayed as a baby, doing all the normal milestones of sitting, crawling, walking and so on, I always did well in school.”
“Better than Jack?” she guessed.
He nodded. “Yeah. It wasn’t that Jack wasn’t smart, but he certainly didn’t try as hard.”
“So you feel guilty? Like it was your fault your parents paid too much attention to you and not enough to Jack?” she asked, already suspecting
