don’t want to. I’m not trying to pressure you and I don’t want to make whatever it is worse.’
‘What do you want to know?’ I wasn’t sure why I asked. It wasn’t as though I particularly wanted to hear the answer.
‘Because...well...’ She glanced down at her hands on my chest. And there was a long silence. Then she said, ‘Because I want to help. Because you matter, Damian.’
Something inside me clenched tight at the same time as something else relaxed, which made no fucking sense.
I didn’t want to matter. Not to her or anyone else.
Yes, you do. Why else have you kept her with you?
Because I wanted to fuck her. Because I needed a date and couldn’t get anyone else. That was it. End of goddamn story.
Liar. You’ve already fucked her, numerous times. And you could have found yourself a different date.
I ignored the thought, sullen anger beginning to burn in my gut. At myself for bringing her here when I should have just got rid of her; for dragging this out unnecessarily and potentially opening her up to hurt. And at her, too. And, yes, I knew it wasn’t fair, but I was angry at her anyway. For letting me matter when she shouldn’t have.
‘Don’t do that.’ I tried to keep the harsh edge out of my voice, laying my hand over hers where it rested on my shirt to soften the words. ‘Mattering to each other is not what we’re here for, remember?’
This time she didn’t look away. ‘No, but you said this was about making each other feel good. And you’re definitely not feeling good right now.’
I could feel my jaw get tight. ‘I was talking about sex, Thea. Not anything else.’
‘Right.’ Her dark eyes flickered, thick, black lashes coming down to conceal her expression. ‘Sorry.’ She made as if to pull away, but I could hear the pain in that carefully neutral word. I’d hurt her. Fuck.
Instinctively I held her hands against my chest, preventing her from moving. Because hurting her had never been my intention.
Jesus, next you’ll be thinking she matters.
I gritted my teeth, shoving the thought away. Shit, all I’d wanted was some good times, some fun and pleasure for both of us, nothing too deep, nothing too heavy. But this was turning into something I hadn’t expected and I didn’t like my reaction to it.
Perhaps if she knew the truth she’d understand.
Yeah, well, maybe it was time to be straight with her. I couldn’t have her getting any more involved than she was already.
She was looking up at me, a question in her eyes, and suddenly her touching me was too much so I stepped back, letting her hands drop away.
‘It’s not you,’ I said before she could say anything.
She clasped her hands together as if she didn’t know what to do with them. ‘So I’m going to get the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech?’
Shit. I should have been clear right from the beginning, shouldn’t I? I should have told her exactly what she was getting into with me, and now I’d left it too late.
Because you’re a selfish prick, remember?
‘You want to know why I’m tense?’ I said harshly, shoving the thought out of my head. ‘It’s because I haven’t been to London for years.’
‘Oh? Why?’
There was something heavy in my chest, like a big fucking rock that just sat there, unmoving. ‘Because Morgan lives here.’
Thea
DAMIAN STOOD THERE with the grey London light falling over him, in a tailored charcoal suit with a white shirt. The neck of his shirt was open, exposing his bright tattoos, and he had his hands in his pockets. It was supposed to be a casual pose, but he looked anything but casual.
Tension poured off him, in the lines of his powerful shoulders and arms and in his beautiful face. I could see that his hands were curled into fists in his pockets and there was sharp grief in his silver eyes as he looked at me, grief he was trying to hide.
Grief I didn’t understand.
‘So...you avoided coming to London because of your sister?’ I asked tentatively. ‘But why?’
He tried to smile, tried to put on that mask again, but it was more of a snarl than anything else, and I found myself taking a couple of instinctive steps towards him, wanting to do something for him.
But he gave a sharp shake of his head, freezing me in place. ‘Don’t.’
So I stayed where I was, my throat tight, my heart beginning to ache, because whatever he was going to tell me hurt him.
‘It’s the usual sad story,’ he went on. ‘Mum’s illness was terminal, and her pain was getting worse, and nothing I did helped.’ His beautiful voice got rougher. ‘I couldn’t save her. I knew I couldn’t. I knew there was nothing to be done. But...’ A muscle flicked in his hard jaw. ‘The helplessness of it. Knowing there was nothing, fucking nothing, that I could do. She sent me out before the end. She didn’t want me to see it—not me or Morgan.’
My heart felt as if it had grown sharp edges and was cutting me deep inside. I could only imagine what it must have been like for him, a sixteen-year-old boy having to shoulder the burden of his dying mother. Alone. Because he had been alone, hadn’t he? Like he still was.
‘The nurses told me she died peacefully.’ Damian’s voice was ragged around the edges. ‘And in no pain, so there was that.’ His gaze lifted abruptly. ‘But Morgan didn’t understand. She changed after Mum died. She became scared and anxious... It was like Mum took all the joy out of her when she died. I tried to make life fun again for her.’ The muscle in his jaw jumped again. ‘But it was hard and I was only fucking sixteen. What did I know about what little girls liked? I couldn’t help her, so I sent her to boarding school for some stability and to be with other kids her age, working my arse off to cover the fees. And then when she was done with school, and our company was doing well, I sent her to Ulysses.’
His eyes glittered. ‘And I haven’t seen her since, because she doesn’t need to be reminded of the past and what I couldn’t do for her. And, besides, my responsibility to her is done. I’m not getting sucked into doing any more.’
He was silent a moment, staring at me, something fierce burning in his expression. ‘I’m telling you all of this, Thea, because caring for Mum while she was dying, and then having to care for Morgan...it took everything I had.’ The lines of his face were drawn tight. ‘I don’t have anything left for anyone else. And I don’t want to matter to anyone, because then they don’t have to matter to me. It’s not personal, it’s just the way it is. If you want fun and sex from me, fine, I can give you that. But nothing else, understand?’
