think my childhood might have been different from the one you’re imagining. It would certainly be different from the one you’d be dreaming of for Summer.’
‘What do you mean by that?’
Abi wasn’t sure how to answer. She found it odd that Damien wanted to know about her. She wasn’t used to talking about herself—in fact, she usually tried to avoid it unless it was in a controlled environment, like with her therapist.
‘I didn’t have the idyllic childhood you might be picturing. I never knew my father, he abandoned us shortly after I was born, and my mother...’ Abi paused. Even after thirty years she always hesitated when it came to describing her mother. She’d loved Abi in the best way she’d known how but she’d suffered from depression, which had manifested into substance abuse, mostly alcohol, and there had been plenty of times when Abi had just had to manage as best she could. Despite Summer’s mother’s failing in the child-raising department, she doubted it would match those of her own mother. ‘Let’s say she struggled to cope with raising me on her own. We didn’t spend weekends at the pier or at theme parks.’ Abi had spent a lot of her childhood alone.
‘Is your mum still in LA?’
Abi shook her head. ‘She’s dead.’
‘I’m sorry. Was it recent?’
‘No. She died in a car accident just after I turned eighteen.’ Abi had been alone for almost half her life. Long enough to be used to it, and to know she didn’t like it, but not long enough to get over the guilt.
She had left home at seventeen to join the army. She’d been unable to continue to live with her mother, she couldn’t be responsible for her any more, but she had always blamed herself a bit for the accident. She wondered if it would have made a difference if she hadn’t left but she’d known she’d had to get away. Her home life had been toxic. She had never known whether her mother had suffered from depression before her father had left them. She could have had post-natal depression which had perhaps been exacerbated by Abi’s father’s abandonment, but, whatever the cause or the reason, her mother had turned to alcohol as her crutch and one day she had crashed her car into a tree. Abi had wondered if it had been suicide but had never been sure. She’d just been so relieved that no one else had been hurt.
She still carried the guilt. For her mother’s death, among other things. Her therapist had told her time and again that she was not responsible for her mother’s accident or her father’s abandonment or Mark’s death, but Abi found it difficult to move on. She had carried so much guilt for so long that she didn’t know how to let it go.
Caroline had also told her she needed to talk about these things, that it didn’t help to bottle things up and let them fester. She had suggested that if she talked about them she took away the power they had to hurt her, that it would make the problems smaller, but Abi didn’t know how to do that.
Summer’s turn on the Beach Bounce finished and Abi was happy to let her take over the conversation and distract her from her thoughts by leading them around the pier. They followed her past numerous rides and sideshows before she stopped at the basketball hoops and insisted that Damien have a turn.
He shrugged out of his jacket and asked Abi to hold it for him. He slung it around her shoulders when she agreed. It was warm and comforting, a bit like being wrapped in his arms again. It felt safe.
Removing his jacket had left him standing before her in his shirtsleeves. His arms were muscular and he could pick up the basketball in one hand with his long fingers. She watched as he transferred the ball from his left hand to his right before throwing it. He was quick and accurate and it wasn’t until the game was finished that Abi realised she had forgotten to be nervous, she’d been too busy admiring Damien’s skill and physique.
He had scored enough points to win a soft toy for Summer and she chose a seahorse covered in pink and silver sequins layered like scales. Abi wasn’t certain that seahorses actually had scales but she supposed it didn’t matter—a soft toy didn’t need to be a perfect replica of the real thing. Come to think of it, seahorses probably weren’t pink and silver either. But not everything in the world had to be perfect. Sometimes it was okay to have some imagination and succumb to fantasies. Summer was reminding Abi of what it was like to be a child, to believe that good things could happen, how to have fun.
‘You have to have another turn, Daddy,’
‘I think one toy is enough, Summer, especially as I know I’ll end up carrying it and you.’
‘It’s not for me. Abi needs a toy too.’
Damien looked at Abi. ‘In that case...’ he said, and Abi felt warmth flow through her. To think he was doing this for her.
Summer wriggled her way between Abi and Jonty as Damien tossed balls through the hoop. Summer was rubbing Jonty’s head with one hand but Abi felt her other hand slide into her own as they watched. It was tiny and warm and the contact melted Abi’s heart.
‘What takes your fancy, ma’am?’ he asked as he turned around at the end of the game, victorious once more. He was smiling broadly and Abi sensed he was enjoying the day as much as she was. She was pretty sure she wasn’t projecting her feelings. This was the best day she’d had in a long time.
She smiled back, feeling relaxed. For a few minutes she’d forgotten to be self-conscious, forgotten to be nervous, forgotten to be worried. It felt good not to worry. She wasn’t over-thinking things, she wasn’t creating concerns. Despite the fact that the crowds were building up, her earlier nerves had eased. She felt safe with Damien. He seemed to have the ability to create a wall that surrounded the three of them and Jonty and didn’t allow the outside world to intrude.
‘Get the tiger,’ Summer instructed, before Abi could answer.
‘Why the tiger?’ Damien asked.
‘It’s got the same eyes as Abi.’
He looked back at Abi then asked to see the toy. He took the tiger with its amber glass eyes and held it beside Abi’s head, looking from the glass eyes into hers.
‘So it does,’ Damien agreed as he held her gaze, and Abi felt the rest of the world dissolve into a haze around her as his dark eyes looked deep inside her. Could he see her reaction? Could he see how happy she was? How confused?
She dropped her gaze and reached for the toy and tucked it under her arm. She couldn’t continue to stare at him, afraid she would say or do something she’d regret, like step forward to touch him.
‘Thank you,’ she said, but her words seemed inadequate to express her feelings. She would remember this day for ever and she knew that if she had nothing else, this tiger would always remind her of today. The first day in six months where she’d felt able to breathe, to relax, to forget her worries. It would remind her of the person she could be; it would inspire her to get over the past, to recover; and it would remind her of Damien and Summer long after they were gone from her life.
She couldn’t imagine being part of them for ever. They didn’t need her but she was starting to think she needed them. They were saving her, making her feel safe, whole and normal.
She was staring at him with her incredible amber eyes and he knew he would never forget this day.
‘It was my pleasure,’ he replied.
She was still wearing
