now. How cruel the fates were to allow them both to see the truth of something between them just when they were reconciled to the impossibility of it.
As he strode off to check with the two men set as guards, he accepted that the only good thing was that both of them would do their duty and hold fast to their honour.
Ciara thought she knew how her old doll felt the day that she and her younger brother fought over it—twisted, torn and all the stuffing pulled out. As she scooped up the stew and served it to the others, she was certain of what had just passed between them. He’d allowed her to see into his heart and soul and to learn that she was not the only one confused, yet thrilled by the feelings there. Then, as though he’d made a mistake, he left, not even taking the time to eat with them.
This must be the worst part of growing up and accepting your role as an adult with duties and responsibilities to others. And she hated it even at the same moment that she savoured the brief but honest moment between them. For in that instant after he’d turned away, Ciara had thought of all the possibilities and all the impossibilities as well and none of them were acceptable to her. To them.
So, she, they, would follow the path they’d chosen, be honourable and true to their families’ expectations. Mayhap the shock of knowing he’d treated her as an adult and accepted what was honest and true in her heart had also caused her to accept the futility of it all?
After cleaning up from their meal, with Elizabeth’s and Cora’s help, she climbed inside the wagon, under the blankets spread for her use and found that her mind was quiet for the first time in so very long. A certainty filled her now—the unavoidable reality she had never wanted to consider but that now was hers.
She would not marry the man she had loved her whole life.
Four days later, after the night of reckoning as she thought of it, they reached Crieff. Tavis had sent men ahead to find them a place to stay and to make arrangements for the final part of the journey. If any in the group noticed a change between them, none mentioned it. Instead, it was as though Ciara had taken all of her feelings, wrapped them in a bundle and put them aside. Easier to ignore all of it than to have it task her mind, heart and soul during every waking hour.
And sleeping hours, too, for she saw him in her dreams. Except there, he left the stream, walked to her and kissed her with such abandonment that she woke more than once expecting to find him entangled in her blankets next to her. Some primitive urge had been awakened within her and would not cease its demand for satisfaction.
Crieff was a welcome distraction for all of them, it seemed. A busy market town, filled with all sorts of merchants and goods, it was the first large town they’d seen on their travels. Tavis had sent men ahead to locate suitable lodgings for the women.
As they entered from the north-west, she heard Cora and Elizabeth laugh at the sight of so many people and animals and stalls. She’d chosen to ride her horse and followed Tavis’s order to stay next to him at all times. With so many things to look at, it was difficult not to get diverted, but Tavis soon led them to a quieter street when the buildings were spread out from each other. They stopped before an inn and Tavis helped her, then the others, down. Young Dougal guided the wagon around the wooden inn to the yard where they would secure it for the night.
Though she probably looked like a peasant, Tavis made certain that the MacLerie name and title eased the way to the best room for them. He stayed with them while they found their chamber and waited for Iain to bring in the satchels they prepared for this stay. A bath was promised and Ciara imagined how good it would feel to soak in a tub of steaming water as they climbed the stairs to the upper level that held but two small bedchambers.
‘One is for you and Elizabeth, the other for Cora and our trunks,’ Tavis explained as the other men began to carry their supplies past them. ‘And the innkeeper will set up the bath in here.’ Once they were done, Ciara gained Tavis’s attention.
‘Can we walk around a bit after getting settled here? There were so many interesting things to see,’ she asked.
‘Did you see the stalls as we passed?’ Elizabeth asked. ‘It would be such a treat to visit them.’
She and Elizabeth named several more places and people who’d caught their eye as they rode in and Tavis just watched in silence, turning back and forth between them as they spoke. Then he held his hand up, stopping them. Though she had travelled with her parents to cities like Glasgow and Edinburgh, Elizabeth had not. This trip was a treat for her and Ciara wanted her friend to enjoy all that she could.
‘Aye,’ Tavis finally said. ‘Since it is not yet overwhelmed for the Michaelmas tryst, it is safe enough to walk. Finish seeing to your comfort and I will tell the men.’
Their excitement even spread to the usually calm Cora, who had a few coins with her to buy something that appealed to her. Elizabeth and Ciara both had small purses, too, and permission to buy what they needed or wanted, so it should be an enjoyable few hours.
And it was. The three men who walked with them had joined in the enthusiasm and made suggestions for purchases. It was a surprise to Ciara for she worried that they would keep to themselves as Tavis had done these last days. They arrived back at the inn just as supper was served. The lively conversation and good, hot, well-flavoured food all lent itself to a pleasant evening among people she’d known almost all of her life.
A fitting way to end her life with the MacLeries before beginning one with the Murrays.
Was she destined to be passed from one family to another? Was she wanting in some way that no clan wanted to keep her? She remembered little of her time with her mother’s family. The last half-score of years with the MacLeries were all she knew. But most of that time was grooming her to make her appealing to some other clan. Never was a marriage discussed or offered that would allow her to remain in Lairig Dubh—the only place she knew as home.
Trying to push away the maudlin feelings that threatened to overwhelm her, she looked around and noticed that most of all the other inhabitants at the inn had gone off to their rest, so Ciara and Elizabeth sought theirs. The steaming bath, scented with oil Cora had packed away, eased the aches and pains in her body, but not the one in her heart. Tears tracked down her cheeks to blend into the water around her. Silent tears for the loss. Tears for what could never be.
Worse, she now realised that Tavis had been correct—she had played at loving him all those years. Childish worship, all of it. Now, now when she’d thought she’d moved on and was ready to accept that he did not share her feelings, he did.
‘Damn him!’ she whispered, hitting the water with clenched fists and sending some in a cascade over the edge. ‘Damn him.’
And damn her foolish, now grown-up heart.
Chapter Seven
The road leading into Perth from Crieff grew crowded and Tavis kept their small party together as they moved along the way. A royal burgh, Perth was the centre for trade with many other countries across the sea on the Continent. Due to the establishment of so many religious orders in towns nearby, Perth drew pilgrims as well.
The English King Edward had captured it. Robert the Bruce took it back. This left Perth with the strongest stone defences in Scotland now, which were visible as they moved ever closer. A high wall with many towers surrounded it now and they would pass through one of the gates soon. Tavis planned
