too long, searching for something. When he’d met Gabriella, a part of him, an unconscious part, had felt a little like he might have found it. But that part was the selfish part, and he was kicking that guy out of his life for good.
He knew he needed to stay here for now. Lie low. Really lie low this time, being the poster boy for a good prince doing his duties. Even embrace the good that might come of that, bringing his knowledge of healthcare needs around the world to charitable work here at home. Be here for his mother, keep an eye on her medical care as her health improved. Not upset her. Be here for his family.
He held his phone in his hand, staring at it, but couldn’t make himself phone her. He’d ended things with a woman more times than he could count, but it had never felt painful like this did. Nearly impossible, in fact. But he couldn’t be the man she needed. He couldn’t be his old, selfish self.
He made himself phone her number. It went straight to voice mail, and his heart fell when he realized he wouldn’t get to hear her voice again. At the same time, the cowardly part of him felt relieved to be able to just leave a message.
He hesitated over what to say, then decided to keep it short. Without detail, or comments about her pain that he’d just learned about. Anything that might hurt her more, or make her try to contact him. Weaken his resolve to keep her safe from him.
“Gabriella? Rafael. Listen, I’m... Mother is so far still fine, so don’t be worried about that, but...well, I don’t think I’ll be coming back to L.A. I need to stay here until she’s stronger. It was great knowing you, and I wish you only the best for your life. Truly.” His voice shook on that word, but he couldn’t help it. The last ones he whispered, so she wouldn’t know. “Adios, mi bella.”
* * *
Gabby sat on the damp, green grass in the Seattle cemetery, not caring that her pants were getting wet and cold. She couldn’t care about her clothes or anything else when she’d lost everything she cared about all over again.
Her baby lay under this earth where she’d just placed a small bouquet of spring tulips. The pain of losing him had slowly faded with time, and even more in the past weeks when she’d realized that shutting herself in a box by working all the time was no way to honor the tiny, beautiful baby who had been her son. Who should have had a chance to grow up into a boy and then a man. Seeing Rafael live his life on his own terms had opened her eyes to the realization that she wanted to live the same way. Without hiding, without fear of what others might think of her if they learned the truth.
But, oh, how wrong she’d been that could be possible. Her past mistake would always be there. Ben had blamed her, and she’d blamed herself. Now others did too, and she thought maybe they were right. Maybe she wasn’t fit to be a midwife anymore. A woman who didn’t listen to her own body probably shouldn’t be listening to anyone else’s.
So if she couldn’t be a midwife anymore, where did she belong? What would she do with her life? God, she just didn’t know. But she did know one thing. She could never be a wife and mother, because there was no way she could go through that kind of heartache all over again. She’d gone back into hiding from that, at least, and this time she was never coming out.
Staring down at the small stone carved with her baby’s name, she became aware of a movement next to her and turned her head, only to have her heart completely stop in shock.
Ben.
For a moment she could barely process it. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He gave her a twisted smile then knelt on the grass next to her. “Hi, Gabby. Rough day, huh?”
He’d seen the news. “Yeah. Pretty rough.”
“All that garbage on TV made me think about you and this little guy. Gave me a strangely strong need to come here, and now that I see you’re here too, I figure that’s the reason why.”
“What do you mean?”
“Because the universe knows I need to make things right with you.”
“Make what right?”
He stared at her a long moment, his hand gripping the back of his neck before he dropped it, placing it on top of hers. “Hell. I...I’d been thinking that maybe I’d call you after I stopped here today, but now that you’re right in front of me, all the things I know I should say to you seem a lot harder than I thought they would.”
Since she didn’t have any idea what to say to him either, she kept quiet and just looked at him, waiting. Bracing herself for the worst.
“I know I treated you badly when our baby died inside of you,” he finally said. “I was hurt at losing him and angry at the world about it. I took that anger out on you.”
“No, you didn’t. You didn’t say much about anything.” And in some ways that terrible silence, his inability to talk about it, had been worse to take than if he’d ranted at her.
“Maybe not. But when you blamed yourself I didn’t tell you it wasn’t your fault. I felt the same horrible loss you did, and it pushed me to act in a way I’m not proud of. I let you believe I blamed you, but I never did. Not really.”
Again, she didn’t respond, having no idea how to process what he was saying. How to feel about it. She’d held his blame, along with her own, so close to her bruised and battered heart. Had let it live there, a sharp splinter that had stabbed and festered, and she hadn’t even tried to remove it because she’d believed she deserved the pain.
“There’s more, and I want to tell you about it,” he continued, still wearing that wry smile. “I’m married now. Have a baby on the way, and after what happened to us I admit I’ve been damned scared. I’ve asked her doctor lots of questions, and he’s explained things to me. So even if there was a part of me that wasn’t sure back then, I know now. You working late that day, assuming the pains you felt were nothing? That didn’t have a damned thing to do with losing our baby. It was just one of those really bad outcomes that happen sometimes.”
Gabby’s throat closed, and tears burned the backs of her eyes as she looked at Ben. The man who two years ago she’d expected to share her life with. Who had in one second of hardship left.
This was proof he was the good person she’d thought he was. That he’d been perhaps as immature and unprepared as she’d been in trying to deal with their loss. “Thank you for telling me this. It’s been...very hard to know how to feel about it.”
“I know. But here’s something else I want to tell you. We both had a bad time of it, but I’ve finally found happiness again. I love my wife and can’t wait until our baby is born. I don’t know what’s going on with you and this prince guy in the news, but you know...?” His smile broadened to become a real one. “It’s worth taking a risk. It is. And he’d be one lucky guy to have you.”
Unable to say another word, stunned by all he’d said, Gabby just stared at him. He reached out to squeeze her shoulder before he stood, and after a lingering look at their baby’s headstone he was gone.
Gabby sat for long minutes, processing it all. The knowledge that he didn’t blame her seeped slowly into the fog in her brain. Pushed out some of the guilt she’d carried for so long. And as that guilt eased from her chest it was replaced by cautious optimism.
Maybe she could put the past behind her, the way Ben had. Maybe she could be happy again, and maybe that happiness could come from being with
