style="font-size:15px;"> As she spoke his facial expression had become more and more sceptical, but she refused to be silenced and rushed on with her usual enthusiasm. Still, by the end of her description she had to admit she’d been hoping for a bit more encouragement than this, and to be honest it was taking the wind out of her sails a bit.
‘OK, you said you wanted me to be honest and I’ll tell you what I think,’ he told her. ‘Just about everything that could be wrong in that scenario, is.’
She looked at him with barely concealed annoyance. ‘Why?’
Gabriel sat back and folded his arms. ‘Firstly, inviting all his mates along is the worst thing you could do. Basically what you’re doing is embarrassing him. No guy wants to be put on the spot like that. You have to realise you’re taking over his role by doing this. Taking over the male role. He will for ever be ribbed by his mates about being under the thumb. Your thumb, to be specific. Trust me, even if your girlfriend is in charge, you want the world to think that you are. It’s an unwritten rule.’
There seemed to be a whole book of unwritten rules by which the average man lived, according to Gabriel.
‘So go on, then, enlighten me,’ she said sarcastically. ‘What does your average guy want?’
‘Well, he wants to feel like he’s the one in charge. He chooses when he makes you his wife and he chooses how he does that.’ He leaned in conspiratorially as if imparting a great secret, as if he might suddenly be lynched by a gang of average men if he were overheard handing over this information to the other side. ‘You’re messing with the natural order of things here, Lucy, and you need to tread carefully.’
She bit her tongue as the waitress appeared with their order. As soon as they were alone again she leaned in towards him. ‘The natural order of things? I’m talking about proposing to my boyfriend, not time travel, for goodness’ sake.’
‘I just meant you need to do it in such a way as it makes him feel like he’s got the upper hand.’
‘You mean, make him think it was his idea all along.’
‘Exactly.’
‘Well, how the hell is that possible when the words “will you marry me?” are going to be coming out of my mouth and not his?’
‘Your approach needs to be different. Submissive. As if you’re asking him an enormous favour. You could include that in the words you choose. Maybe say something like, “I would be honoured if you would consider being my husband” or “I feel my life is worth nothing without you.”’
Lucy stuck two fingers in her mouth and made vomiting sounds.
Gabriel raised an impatient eyebrow and looked at her as if she were a naughty toddler. ‘A little class would be good,’ he remarked. ‘I don’t suggest you take this attitude with him or all you’ll end up with is a resounding “no”.’
She sighed and rubbed the corners of her eyes wearily with a thumb and forefinger. ‘I don’t know, Gabe. I’m not sure I want to be his doormat just to get him to agree to marry me. I was thinking he would be delighted to be asked and see it as a massive compliment, not some challenge to his manhood.’
‘That’s because you’re a woman and that’s how you’d feel if he proposed to you. Men don’t think like you do. How many times do I have to tell you?’
She decided to shift the subject a little. ‘OK, well, let’s come back to the exact wording of the thing. What about the location? Are you saying it’s fine to invite everyone who knows us as long as I portray myself in the subservient role, caveman style, or am I just better off asking him when it’s just the two of us?’
‘Much as I would be sorry not to witness you playing the role of submissive cavewoman to Ed’s captain caveman, you’ll have far more chance of success if you ask him on his own. If you invite along those Neanderthal football mates that I met, you’ll definitely shoot yourself in the foot. All you’ll achieve is to make him feel pushed into a corner. He can’t say no to you because a) he can’t be seen to be so cruel in public and b) he won’t want to scupper what you’ve set up to be a massive party.’
She shook her head. ‘But that’s good, isn’t it? He will be forced to say yes.’
‘But for all the wrong reasons. If you push him into it you are just as likely for him to backpedal the moment the party’s over. At best he might resent you for putting him on the spot and that’s hardly the best start for a marriage made in heaven, is it?’
She sighed. ‘I suppose not.’ She sipped her coffee moodily. ‘Give me the perfect scenario, then, Einstein, and I’ll try and work with that.’
A frown crossed his face and she saw him rearrange his features to hide it. It was so brief that she almost missed it. She couldn’t place what it meant, but then apparently it meant nothing because he carried on as before.
‘To maximise your chances of a yes, if you’re asking the average man to marry you, you need to look hot as hell and you need to do it somewhere quiet without friends or family present, and last but not least you need to do it before you have sex. Definitely not afterwards.’
Lucy almost choked on her coffee. At the mention of sex from Gabe when she felt so mixed up about him she felt a blush creep up slowly from her neck and fought it with all her might. She took a bite of her sandwich to buy time and steady herself, looking down in the hope that the blush would subside and he wouldn’t notice. When she felt able she spoke in what she hoped was her normal voice.
‘Just as a matter of interest, why not afterwards?’ she ventured. ‘I would have thought that was the perfect time to do it. When you’re all loved up and everything’s wonderful.’
Gabriel patted her hand sympathetically and she felt as if electric shocks raced through her fingers at his touch. The thought struck her abruptly that she wasn’t sure she could remember a time when she’d jumped like that at Ed’s touch, even when they’d first met. She tried to concentrate hard on the conversation.
‘Like I keep saying, Lu, you need to start thinking like a man. Before you’ve had sex you hold all the cards, you have the power, he’ll hang on your every word. Afterwards, if you manage to get him to stay awake, anything you say will seem less important to him than going to sleep. It’s basic biology.’
Lucy made a disgusted face. ‘You lot are emotionally backward,’ she complained.
Gabriel laughed out loud. ‘We’re just different, that’s all. If men thought the same way as women Ed would have asked you to marry him months ago. Don’t you think that makes life seem dull?’
‘No! I think it makes perfect sense!’
Gabriel looked at his watch again and she felt her temper slip a notch.
‘Gabe, what is your problem? You seem to be desperate to avoid me at the moment and it’s getting on my nerves. Is it too much to ask for you to focus for half an hour on one conversation with me?’
He didn’t quite meet her eyes. ‘Just busy, you know,’ he said vaguely. ‘I need to make a move.’ He made as if to stand up, then for some reason he clearly thought better of it and sat back down. He looked flustered and uncomfortable and she was on the brink of asking him why when he leaned
