Isaac’s question about love burned in my ears. I almost didn’t want Max to look too hard. If he did, he might see the truth.
“Thank you. I don’t even …” I waved a hand at it. “It’s not even a big deal.”
I directed my gaze back to my canvas, for fear of saying something else dumb.
Later, Max and I were at the washing station, cleaning our brushes when Susan came over to us and draped her arms over our shoulders. She had a group of girls watching whatever performance she was about to put on.
“So, are you two tortured lovebirds now?” She looked at Max. “Doesn’t that seem a bit idiotic given the circumstances?”
“Hey, Susan?” said Max. “Why don’t you fuck off?”
I could tell the words bit at her, but she smiled and moved her long straight hair from her face. “I’m sorry, does it bother you when I stand here and touch you? That’s true, that’s inappropriate. Considering Becca, and all. I’ll back off.” She stepped backward, looking smug. “Take the hint, new girl. Stop trying to copy his girlfriend. It’s weird.”
Max shook his head at her. “You’re just a fucking rip-off.”
“Rip-off? Me? How you figure?”
“Because we all saw you before Becca got here, and we all see you now. Your hair, your jewelry, your shoes … and didn’t you pick up smoking sometime last year? And what was it you smoked? That’s right. Camel Lights. Same as Becca.”
The fire in his eyes intimidated me. He was fighting for Becca, and she wasn’t even here. I wanted everyone to be wrong when they said how much he loved her. But maybe he really did.
“Yeah, I heard you beat the living shit out of Johnny over the summer. I saw the scar he’s got on his cheekbone now. Doesn’t scare me—what are you gonna do, hit me?”
I looked around for Isaac. He was talking on his phone in the corner. Crawley wouldn’t have let this conversation carry on.
“I’m not going to hit you. You just need to stop.”
“Oh,” she said, laughing, “right, you wouldn’t hit a girl. Maybe you’d just kill me.”
There was a collective response in the classroom. Gasps, whoas and whispers.
“Don’t fucking talk to me.” Max’s eyes were hard, and the veins in his hand were pumping
“If you didn’t kill her, and she is still out there, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s keepings tabs on what you’re doing with this one.” Susan pointed lazily at me.
I laughed. This was just too much. “And that wouldn’t make Becca the psycho?”
Max looked at me, and for a second I thought he might yell at me. But then he took my brushes and his and threw them into his locker.
“Is all your other stuff packed up?” he asked me.
“Yes.” I would have said it even if it hadn’t been.
He took my hand and pulled me from the room. It was quieter in the halls, even though I knew classes were about to let out and fill them up again.
Max pulled me into an empty classroom and shut the door. The gray light from outside put an eerie filter on the room.
“I’m sorry.” Max sat down on one of the desks.
“Sorry … why are you sorry?”
“Because that’s not okay. How Susan was acting … it’s messed up. I hate when people talk to you like that. I don’t like when they talk to you about her at all.”
“It’s okay.”
“No. It’s not.” He stood and came toward me. “You’re not her. You’re you.”
I couldn’t summon any words. He was so close to me now that I could feel his warmth. I could barely feel the cold of the chalkboard I leaned on.
He put a hand on my hip, and another on my waist. His eyes were boring into mine. They still held the same fire they had when he was talking to Susan about Becca. His hands tightened on me, and I wondered for a moment if maybe that fire wasn’t about Becca at all. Maybe it was for me.
Before I could talk myself out of it, his lips were on mine. My mind went blank. My body went numb. I faded into him, letting my bag fall to the floor. I didn’t care if someone walked in. I didn’t care if anyone saw.
If Becca was alive or Becca was dead, I would have kissed him in front of her.
chapter 16 becca
“STOP ACTING LIKE YOU DON’T WANT TO TALK to me.” Becca was sitting on the step in front of the boathouse, smoking a cigarette when Johnny walked up. She’d slipped him a note and told him to meet her here.
Johnny sighed and looked at her. “You know I do.”
“Then why have you barely talked to me since Halloween?”
“You know why.”
“Yes, but you shouldn’t be so stupid. You should talk to me again.” She stood and moved a little closer to him. “I’ve missed you.”
I need him to say it back, she thought. Please say you’ve missed me, too….
He looked at her for a moment before saying it. “I have, too. I’ve missed you, too.”
He looked her in the eyes, and she thought she’d fall apart. She had worked so hard to stay away from him, and to wait for him to come to her. But the whole time she had, she knew she was doing the right thing. Johnny didn’t seem to have any trouble not talking to her. And that was exactly why she couldn’t give in first.
But now she couldn’t help it. Not after what she’d just found out.
“Good,” she said. “I have some good news.”
“What?”
“Didn’t you say you were going to have to stay at Manderley over the Thanksgiving break? Your parents are doing something, right?”
“Yeah, jeez, how did you remember that?”
She shrugged. “Well, I’m staying, too. And Max is going home.”
Becca watched his eyes for a response. He looked back at her, and let out a deep breath. “That’s … not good.”
She raised an eyebrow. “No?”
There was the flicker of a smile on his face. “Becca, we cant …”
“Look, I don’t want to hear it. Just … if you want to … then meet me here at nine on the Friday he leaves.”
She tried to look cool and collected, and then walked
