but she couldn’t. Finally it was ten minutes to nine. She was out the door.
This was no time to arrive fashionably late, much as she might want to.
The trek down to the boathouse was a tense one. She tried to sing the lyrics to a song in her head, to keep her mind off her fears, but it did nothing.
Down the steps. Across the sand. Open the door. Pull on the light. No one there.
Her stomach fell, and she walked to the couch. She couldn’t believe it. No one had ever rejected her. Ever. This was why she’d chosen Max. Because he could just hook up with her and act enough like a couple. He didn’t have to put his arm around her or kiss her in front of everyone. She just had to tell all the girls that he was in love with her and pretend that there was something behind the scenes besides sex. She could look beloved, and have the guy everyone wanted, because he was so passive that he didn’t care who he had. She was hot enough. She knew that was all it was.
But Johnny could resist her, where she could not resist him. And that was killing her.
The door swung open. Her heart leaped. It was Johnny. She wanted to smile from ear to ear, but she couldn’t. That wasn’t like her.
He closed the door behind him and turned off the light. She couldn’t see him, but she could feel the cast of moonlight on her. He walked right to her and kissed her. They fell backward onto the couch, and he pulled off his shirt before pulling off hers.
“I thought you weren’t going to come,” she whispered.
“I couldn’t stay away.”
“I don’t understand why you can’t just say you’re sorry.”
“Okay, I’m sorry.”
“Like you mean it.”
Johnny laughed and glared at her. “I’m so sorry. I’ll never call you by your full name again.”
“Good.”
Becca and Johnny were lying in his bed. His roommate had gone home for Thanksgiving, and Becca had snuck in an hour ago. There was hardly anyone on the hall.
She flipped over and propped herself up on her elbows. “Tell me something, Johnny.”
“Tell you what?”
“Something. Anything. Tell me something no one knows.”
He raised his eyebrows. “I don’t really have any secrets.”
She gave him a look.
“Fine,” he said, thinking. “I’ve always wanted to join the Marines.”
“Why?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve got two cousins in the Marines and they love it. I mean, it’s a good thing to do, and it’s gotta be such a thrill.”
“No … you can’t do that. You’ll die!”
“Hopefully not. Max always talks about it, too.”
“Don’t talk about Max.”
They were silent for a few seconds. They both knew that what they were doing was wrong. But for this one weekend, they were playing pretend.
“Why don’t you just become a doctor or something? Save lives but don’t risk your own.”
“I don’t know. It’s just something I’ve always thought about doing. If I were to do it, it would be the most independent choice I’ll have ever made. My parents want me to do the typical follow-in-your-dad’s-footsteps thing, and I don’t.”
“I don’t accept.” She draped herself over his stomach. “You’ll have to just become a rich doctor and I’ll stay at home with my Pomeranians. I’ll leave the house, sure, but only to go to happy hour.”
He laughed. “Not Pomeranians. German shepherds. Labs. Something else. None of those yappy little cotton balls.”
“We’ll just have to see.” She smiled, and then looked very seriously at him. “Like, what if something happened to me? What if I died tragically or was kidnapped or something?”
“What about it?”
“Well, I mean would you cry? Would you weep uncontrollably and go insane with missing me?”
“Yes, I’d probably never take a happy breath again.”
“Good.”
“What about you?”
“Don’t be stupid, Johnny.” She gave him a devilish smile. “Now kiss me.”
chapter 17 me
A FEW WEEKS PASSED. MAX AND I MET ALMOST every night. No one had seen us. No one knew but us. We hadn’t said aloud that we were keeping it to ourselves, but that’s what we were doing. We never spoke about Becca. But we were the only ones.
The rumor had circled around to my ears that Becca was pregnant. That she was off being pregnant and waiting to give birth. Everyone seemed to assume that if she was doing this, she was giving up the baby for adoption.
“Do you really believe that’s where she is?” I asked Blake, as we sat in the dining hall one evening, when someone had already brought it up again. For once, there was decent food—Wisconsin Cheddar Beer Soup. I was on my third bowl.
She took a sip from her Sprite and shrugged. “I don’t know. Dana seems to know more than she lets on. That’s all I know.”
“Maybe that’s what she knows.” My chest hardened as I envisioned her coming back and presenting a child to Max.
“Well … let’s see. If it is that … then she would have to have gotten pregnant like … April or May. And then she’d be having the baby in like … January or February. Right?” She counted off the months on her fingers.
“So you think that’s something she’d do? Just not contact anyone here?”
“I would have thought she’d talk to someone. But I don’t know. She was hard to figure out. And who knows, maybe she has contacted someone but told them not to tell anyone. They’d probably listen to her.”
I nodded.
“It’s just really weird. It’s like … how can she possibly be alive? But then … how can she be dead?”
“No one really seems to think that, though, do they? That she’s dead?”
“I don’t think anyone knows what to think. She’s so unpredictable that she could be doing anything. She could come back at any moment. But then, the cops have pretty much given up.”
She looked over my shoulder, and for a moment I thought I was going to turn and see Her. But it was Max.
He
