She called herself a sex addict.
WHEELER: Well she’s being too hard on herself. She shoulda just said, “Hi, I’m Ali MacGraw and I like to fuck a lot.”
PAUL: Used to.
WHEELER: “Hi, I’m Ali MacGraw and I used to like to fuck a lot.”
PAUL: What is this she’s doing, is she on a commercial?
WHEELER: Yes, she is. “Hi, I’m Ali MacGraw and I used to like to fuck a lot, so when I use paper towels, I use Brawny.”
PAUL: What does fucking a lot have to do with paper towels?
WHEELER: She’s a celebrity spokesperson, the talent doesn’t have to match the product. Remember Joe DiMaggio and Mr. Coffee? “Hi, I’m Joe DiMaggio, I hit .325 lifetime and have nine rings, so when I drink coffee, I make it in this cheap plastic piece of shit.”
PAUL: Nine rings? Is that right?
WHEELER: Oh yeah. Fucking Yankees.
PAUL: You had a date. I didn’t know you were dating.
WHEELER: I’ve had a couple dates.
PAUL: Anything look promising?
WHEELER: No, nothing serious, I’m really not looking. I mean there’s the new girl at work. Anita.
PAUL: Anita, that’s the brunette.
WHEELER: Yeah, you met her. The new girl. Not really brunette.
PAUL: You’re going out with Anita?
WHEELER: No, we went to lunch. Just over to the food court.
PAUL: She seems great. I mean I barely met her.
WHEELER: She is great.
PAUL: She has ample breasts.
WHEELER: Very large breasts.
PAUL: I mean substantial.
WHEELER: Are we just looking for different ways to say big?
PAUL: Have you seen them?
WHEELER: We had a twenty-minute lunch at the food court,
PAUL. She didn’t expose her bosom at the Lotus Express.
PAUL: I’m glad you’re going out. I’ve been worried about you.
WHEELER: Why?
PAUL: You’ve been through a tough time.
WHEELER: Yeah, but I got this place now and I’m getting it together.
PAUL: How’d you find this place?
WHEELER: The internet.
PAUL: It’s all right.
WHEELER: Anything’s an improvement over the cot in my wife’s garage. My kid looking out there in the morning like, “Who’s the loser sleeping in the garage? Oh that’s right, it’s my dad.”
PAUL: How many square feet?
WHEELER: I don’t know, eight hundred, nine hundred. Eight hundred. Two bedrooms. And you got the pool out there.
PAUL: Right.
WHEELER: And you can see the ocean.
PAUL: You can?
WHEELER: Look through there.
PAUL: I am.
WHEELER: Stand here. Now stand up straight.
PAUL: What, is that it?
WHEELER: You’re looking to the right of the silver building?
PAUL: Oh, there it is, got it.
WHEELER: Yeah, so there’s a view.
PAUL: And did this furniture come with the place?
WHEELER: Yeah, you could get it with or without. I mean, what am I gonna do, go out and buy a bunch of furniture?
PAUL: You could.
WHEELER: Fuck that. This stuff is fine. (Pause) You want a beer?
(Paul hesitates.)
Have a beer. It’s the least I can do.
PAUL: Sure, I got a few minutes.
WHEELER: You want a glass?
PAUL: No, that’s okay.
WHEELER: The grocery store isn’t far from here.
PAUL: That’s good.
WHEELER: And that huge Vietnamese market. It’s like the Walmart of Vietnamese markets.
PAUL: Here’s to the new place.
WHEELER: The new place.
(They clink bottles.)
PAUL: This should make dating easier, right? A place to bring all your ladies. It’s not like you could take them back to Kelly’s garage.
WHEELER: I really should not be with a woman right now.
PAUL: Yeah, okay.
WHEELER: I mean it. It’s hard for me right now to even just sit with a woman and have a conversation. I’m too old to pretend to be something I’m not and a lot of the things I am are not attractive. And this divorce has a way to go, and it’s not nasty exactly, but I can see nasty from here.
PAUL: Really.
WHEELER: The money’s turned into a sticking point. Which is strange.
PAUL: Yeah, cause you don’t have any money.
WHEELER: I get that my kid’s involved so I’m prepared to pay for that. But I sat down with Kelly and I threw out a number and she said, “You’re not even close.” I said, “What’s your number?” And she wrote it down—I think she knew how outrageous it would sound spoken out into the world—and it was a number so high only dogs could hear it. So now we got arbitration and these asshole lawyers and it’s a big fucking clusterfuck.
PAUL: This has been going on for more than a year.
WHEELER: Two years, this past Valentine’s Day. The affair, the discovery of the affair, was more than two years ago.
PAUL: Two years! Wheeler! That’s a long time to live like this.
WHEELER: What do you mean, “like this?”
PAUL:
