207 220
208 221
209 222
Peter Bregman
Bestselling Author of 18 minutes
Howie Jacobson, PhD
You Can Change Other People
The Four Steps to Help Your Colleagues, Employees—Even Family—Up Their Game
Copyright © 2022 by Bregman Partners, Inc. All rights reserved.
Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey.
Published simultaneously in Canada.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, (978) 750-8400, fax (978) 646-8600, or on the Web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, (201) 748-6011, fax (201) 748-6008, or online at http://www.wiley.com/go/permissions.
Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.
For general information on our other products and services or for technical support, please contact our Customer Care Department within the United States at (800) 762-2974, outside the United States at (317) 572-3993 or fax (317) 572-4002.
Wiley publishes in a variety of print and electronic formats and by print-on-demand. Some material included with standard print versions of this book may not be included in e-books or in print-on-demand. If this book refers to media such as a CD or DVD that is not included in the version you purchased, you may download this material at http://booksupport.wiley.com. For more information about Wiley products, visit www.wiley.com.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Bregman, Peter, author. | Jacobson, Howie, author.
Title: You can change other people : the four steps to help your colleagues, employees-even family-up their game / Peter Bregman, Howie Jacobson.
Description: First Edition. | Hoboken, New Jersey : Wiley, 2022.
Identifiers: LCCN 2021021827 (print) | LCCN 2021021828 (ebook) | ISBN 9781119816539 (hardback) | ISBN 9781119816607 (adobe pdf) | ISBN 9781119816591 (epub)
Subjects: LCSH: Communication in management. | Interpersonal relations. | Leadership.
Classification: LCC HD30.3 .B744 2022 (print) | LCC HD30.3 (ebook) | DDC 650.1/3—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021021827
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021021828
COVER DESIGN: PAUL MCCARTHY
We dedicate this book to the memory of our fathers:
Gerry Bregman 13 December 1931–23 April 2020
Joel R. Jacobson 30 July 1918–26 December 1989
Peter: Papa, every page in this book is inspired by the gentle, sweet way you always brought out the best in people.
Howie: Dad, you showed me how to be a warrior for positive change and a steadfast champion of the underdog.
FOREWORD
As one of the founders of the field of business coaching and an executive coach for more than 40 years, my mission has been simple: to help great leaders get even better through positive, lasting behavioral change. It's been an incredibly rewarding career. I've coached CEOs at organizations like Ford, the World Bank, Best Buy, Target, the Girl Scouts, and many others. I get paid very well; I work with amazing people; I contribute to positive change in the world.
But perhaps my biggest thrill is when I help someone “against the odds”—someone whose colleagues and family members may have given up hope that they will ever change—because, while the mission is easy to understand, the practice of changing is infinitely harder.
Think about all the ways you've attempted to enact change in your own life: losing weight, spending more time with family, listening better, exercising more often, drinking more water, staying focused on long-term goals. How many of these goals have become permanent?
From my research with leaders, clients, and colleagues, the typical answer is “None.” There is a period of high motivation and through sheer force of will, you'll remain conscientious on drinking your water, mustering the energy to go to the gym all week, or making an effort to listen intently during conversations.
Then life takes over. You get busy, unexpected events happen, and you justify all the reasons you can't remain focused on your goals this week. Months later, your gym attendance is inconsistent at best, and no one thinks you've improved your listening.
Worse yet than having failed at making these changes for your own life, how often have you tried to change the behavior of a parent, child, friend, partner, spouse, colleague, or employee? How did that go for you?
The sentence beginning “If only you just …” does not normally lead to a productive conversation around positive changes and strategies to help the person you care about do things differently. In fact, more often than not, it results in the person becoming instantly defensive, angry, and resentful!
And
