father replied, “Of course not, you don’t ask questions, you never learn nothing.”
Mother (in a low tone): Tommy, your grandfather is very sick. Can’t you say something nice to him to cheer him a bit?
Tommy: Grandfather, wouldn’t you like to have soldiers at your funeral?
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.
The father replies, “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.”
The boy picks up[6] his date and they go to a fountain. They stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds.[7]
He remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl, “Do you like spinach?”
She says “No,” and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, “Do you have a brother?” Again, the girl says “No” and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father’s advice and asks the girl the following question: “If you had a brother, would he like spinach?”
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around[8] to see each child’s artwork.
As she got to[9] one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what her drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat,[10] or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
Wayne was returning home from a business trip… bags in hand… and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage.
Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. “Get in,[11]” the driver ordered. “I’ll take you to your car.”
Startled, Wayne took a step backward. “Ah… no thanks,” he answered. “I can get there myself.”
“No,” the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. “Get In!”
Wayne’s eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.
Just then, the driver’s face softened. “Please,” he said, “I’ve been driving up and down for two hours. I can’t find a space to park and I want yours.
A young boy was playing with a ball in the street. He kicked it too hard, and it broke the window of a house and fell inside. A lady came to the window with the ball and shouted at the young boy, so he ran away, but he still wanted his ball back.
A few minutes later he returned and knocked at the door of the house, and when the lady answered it, he said, “My father’s going to come and fix your window very soon.”
After a few more minutes a man came to the door with tools in his hand, so the lady let the boy take his ball away.
When the man finished fixing the window, he said to the lady, “That will cost you exactly ten pounds.”
“But aren’t you the father of that young boy?” the woman asked, looking surprised.
“No,” he answered, equally surprised. “Aren’t you his mother?”
– Is it really true that everything between Rosalie and you, Michael, is over? A whole year you were keeping company.[12]
– Just imagine!
– And did you tell her about your rich uncle whose only heir you are.
– It was just because I told her about it. She left me to become my auntie.
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying “DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!” posted on the glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”
“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused.
“That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world[13] would you post that sign?”
“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
– Here,[14] hold my horse a minute, will you?
– Sir, I am a member of the Congress.
– Never mind![15] You look honest. I’ll take a chance.[16]
– Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
– Yes, of course.
– Great! I never could before!
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted:
“Are there any gators[17] around here?!”
“No,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t[18] been around for years!”
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy:
“How did you get rid of the gators?”
“We didn’t do nothin’,[19]” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ’em.
picks up – забирает, подхватывает
nervousness builds – волнение растёт
walk around – подходить
as she got to – когда она подошла
without missing a beat – не задумавшись ни на секунду
Get in. – Садись в машину.
you were keeping company – вы были неразлучны
why in the world – почему, чёрт возьми
Here! – Эй, послушайте!
Never mind! – Ничего! Не важно!
I’ll take a chance. – Я рискну.
gators = alligators
ain’t = aren’t
nothin’ = nothing
