Of course I’d pay off my debts.
– And what would you do with the remaining?
– The remaining would have to wait till next time.
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion.
So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, “I’d like to look at the accordions, please.”
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says, “All our accordions are over there.”
After browsing, the drummer says, “I think I’d like the big red one in the corner.”
The store owner looks at him and says, “You’re a drummer, aren’t you?”
The drummer, crestfallen, says, “How did you know?”
The store owner says, “That ‘big red accordion’ is the radiator.”
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.
Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously.
“What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss. “Haven’t you got a sense of humor?”
“I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. “I’m leaving Friday.”
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.
The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked:
“How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?”
“Just send a bill for such advice”, replied the lawyer.
On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a ₤50 bill.
That afternoon he received a ₤100 bill from the lawyer.
The doctor explained to Jenkins that he had a serious ailment for which an operation was absolutely imperative.
The patient turned pale and asked, “Isn’t it very dangerous?”
“Yes,” the doctor replied. “Five out of six who undergo this operation die, but as for you, you have nothing to worry about.”
“Why not?” eagerly inquired the patient.
“Well, you’re sure to recover because my last five patients died,” the doctor reassured him.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.
“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.
“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed.
“Good,” said the first bat tiredly, “Because I didn’t!”
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources[21] person asked a young applicant fresh out of[22] Business School, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
“About ₤125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.[23]”
“Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund[24] to 50 % of salary, and a company car leased every two years – say,[25] a red Corvette?[26]”
The applicant sat up straight and said, “Wow![27] Are you kidding?”
And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”
As a senior citizen[28] was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!”
“Heck,[29]” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said:
– I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.
– In that case, – said the patient, – I’ll come back when you’re sober.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe walking by.
– Sailor, do you have change for a pound?
– Sure, buddy, – says the plebe, rooting around his pocket.
– That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a pound?
The plebe snaps to attention[30] and barks:
– No, sir!
– My
Human Resources – отдел кадров
fresh out of – только что из
benefits package – социальный пакет
matching retirement fund – пенсионный фонд за счёт компании
say – скажем
Corvette – «Корвет» (
Wow! – возглас удивления
senior citizen – человек пенсионного возраста; пожилой человек
Heck! – Чёрт!
snaps to attention – вытягивается по струнке
