young man at a New Year’s party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.
“I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” his friend says.
“I’m in the process of quitting,” the guy replies. “Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.”
“And what’s phase one?”
“I’ve quit buying.”
Newly wed wife to her husband:
“That is why I can’t stand you[36] – you are so unpredictable. On Monday you liked the potatoes, Tuesday you liked the potatoes, Wednesday you liked the potatoes, Thursday you said you loved the potatoes preparation, Friday you liked the potatoes, Saturday you liked the potatoes and now all of a sudden on Sunday you say that you don’t like potatoes.”
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session.
“I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”
“Of course,” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, “PIG!!!”
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, “BITCH!!!”
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig wandering in the middle of the road…
A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.
The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.
The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again he is stopped by the same police officer who says, “Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo.”
The man replies, “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”
A police officer in a small town stopped a driver who was speeding down Main Street.
“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain – ”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say…”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
An elderly man calls his son in London and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I’m sick of her, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Manchester and tell her,” and then hangs up.[37]
The son calls his sister, who goes nuts[38] upon hearing the news.
She calls her father and yells, “You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?”
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, “It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!”
One day an unknown youth asked Mozart to explain to him how to start to compose a symphony.
“You are young,” answered Mozart. “In the beginning write a ballade, and if you like it, come to me.”
“But you! At the age of ten you have composed a lot of music.”
“But I did not ask anybody how to do it.”
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
“Da-ad…” “What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?[39]” “No. You had your chance. Lights out![40]”
Five minutes later:
“Da-aaaad…” “WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!”
Five minutes later…
“WHAT?!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”
John had just got a set of new teeth and went away for a holiday. His wife knowing how easily a set of teeth can be lost if you are bathing in a rough sea, wrote to him saying: “Take care not to wear your new teeth when you are bathing in the sea.”
He wrote back: “Why didn’t you telegraph?”
“When I use a hammer I always hit my thumb with it. What should I do to prevent it?”
“The only thing that I can think of, madam, is that you should hold the hammer with both hands.”
A blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can’t take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep[41] in the chair. The barber can’t cut her hair correctly with the headphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead.[42] Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said, “Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out…”
“Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?”
“Because he had no-body to go with!”
“I have good news and bad news”, the defence lawyer[43] says to his client.
“What’s the bad news?”
I can’t stand you – я не могу тебя выносить
hangs up – вешает трубку
goes nuts – сходит с ума
a drink of water – глоток воды
Lights out! – Гасим свет!
falls asleep – засыпает
drops dead – падает замертво
defence lawyer – адвокат
