former lover, former friend—leaves bedroom. Prada underpants, smelling of something spicy. Soap on a rope worn out.
Confused, I get up and see if Ben is awake, so he can wave goodbye to Daddy. Ben is toddling towards me, big smile. ‘Hello, Mummy, hello, Mummy. Can I watch Teletubbies?’
Sarah—‘Say goodbye to Daddy, Ben.’
I pick him up and hand him to Paul. Paul’s face warms and softens and he smiles at this little boy and cuddles him, and I think, Hey, these moments are worth fighting for.
Twelve-thirty. Half an hour early. Circle again with Kim one week later. Half a stone lighter. Looking like someone out of a concentration camp. Distraught. Corner table.
Sarah—‘He’s got someone else.’
Kim’s face screams I told you so. Her lips don’t move. I continue.
‘He came home the other night, drunk as usual, and suggested we sleep in separate rooms. Don’t mind about that one little bit. He’s become really farty—so at least the bedroom smelt okay in the morning. Anyway, he was more morose than usual. Kept asking me when I was moving out. Got so bad over the past week I actually agreed to it at one point. And that seemed to please him. He actually hugged me and looked into my eyes and said that we could still be friends. His friend. What happened to being his wife! I asked if he was okay, said I was his wife, not just his friend, and didn’t feel he was being particularly friendly to me at the moment. In fact, I told him I thought he was a prat. And that he was neglecting Ben as well. Who’s had chicken pox all this week. And he hasn’t come home until after midnight each night. Then he said because I had failed to move out, to give him space when he had asked so nicely, he thought the only way forward now was a divorce. A divorce.
‘I was stunned. I asked if he’d met someone. His exact words were—I can remember them so clearly—“There is someone else.” As though this someone else was in the room with us at that moment. Like a ghost. I froze. Then collapsed. Then screamed. Completely lost it. Couldn’t really take in what he said to me after that. Crying. Ran into the other bedroom to get away from him. Didn’t want to be in the same room as him. I’d wanted to talk to him for such a long time about so many things, but at that moment, Kim, I didn’t want to talk to him or see him or know him. He followed me. And tried to hug me. But now I think about it, it was more like restraining me.
‘I thought, Fuck you. I think I said fuck you, actually. Well, screamed fuck you. But that’s understandable in the situation. I asked him if he loved her. He laughed and said of course not. I asked where they’d met. He said in a bar. I wanted to know so much—but didn’t want to know anything, if you know what I mean. Because it made it worse.
‘Paul then said that he thought it best if we slept in the same bed that night after all. He said he was worried about me. I didn’t want to, Kim. I really didn’t want to. But I did sleep in the bed. I couldn’t sleep. He was so drunk he went straight to sleep. Farting and snoring. Thought about lighting a match and blowing him up in his own gas.
‘I couldn’t sleep. At about 1 a.m. I got up. Got in the car half-dressed and headed for Samantha’s house. Rang on her bell. She looked confused, but woke up fully when I told her what had happened. She looked shocked. Couldn’t believe it. Not Paul. Not lovely, cuddly, butter-wouldn’t-melt-in-his-mouth, devoted Paul. Told her devoted Paul had found a new model and wanted a divorce. She said it was probably the woman’s doing. That she’d probably given him an ultimatum.
‘I stayed for about an hour. Then drove back. I’d sobbed a lot. Hard. And it was good to be hugged by a friend. When I got back the prat was still fast asleep, and next morning he said he hadn’t realised I’d gone. I had to drop Ben off to nursery, and asked Paul if he could call in sick today at work. He said he was too upset to go in, but wanted to be by himself. He said he was confused. I remember sitting on the bottom stair with him by my side, telling me he was confused. Then watching him from the bedroom as he walked down the street towards the centre of town. Listening to his Sony Walkman.
‘He didn’t come home that night. He’d told me he was due to see her that night. That they always met on Friday nights. But I asked him not to meet her this Friday night as it would be different this time. I would know where he was, what he was doing. And that would be particularly cruel.’
Kim—‘He stayed out, didn’t he?’
Sarah—‘Yes. He stayed out. All night. And I was destroyed, Kim. And it’s been nearly a week now. And I can’t talk and I couldn’t talk. You’re the first person other than Samantha that I’ve told. Because I think, hopefully, it’s a blip. But this has been going on for nearly a week, and I’m being strong for Ben but I’m weeping inside.’
Kim leans over and hugs me. I don’t know how long she hugs me. But Duncan usually welcomes us with the menus in the first five minutes, especially as he now knows the extent of Kim’s appetite, but I think the man has a sixth sense. Either that or he’s shocked by my size.
Kim—‘So you haven’t told anyone else about this?’
Sarah—‘Samantha has been there for me, but she’s just got engaged and I don’t want to burden her too much with this nightmare. The girl’s full of hope and love at the moment. She has no time for reality.’
Sarah—‘What about your mum and his parents?’
Sarah—‘My mum’s on holiday in Australia, visiting friends. His parents don’t want to get involved. They live two minutes away and haven’t been round once. They’re scared of losing contact with their grandson, of course, so they’ve got to be nice. But they’re siding with their son—which is, of course, natural.’
Kim—‘Yes. Shortsighted, small-minded, but natural.’
Sarah—‘Do you think Paul still loves me?’
Kim—‘I don’t think he fell out of love with you suddenly. But I don’t think he’s in love with you now. No. But it isn’t a sudden thing. It’s a gradual process. But he didn’t have the courage to just leave you. He had to have someone to move on to. He probably thinks you’ll crumble and he’ll get out of this losing very little.’
Sarah—‘I am crumbling.’
Kim—‘You are now. But you just wait. You’ll be fine, Sarah. Has he been to a solicitor?’
Sarah—‘He says no, but I think he has.’
Kim—‘What makes you think that?’
Sarah—‘I opened his post.’
Kim—‘Good girl. Have you been through his pockets, too?’
Sarah—‘Of course. I found receipts. That restaurant Tuffnells—you know, the romantic one round the corner from here where you can’t see what you’re eating? He took her there. And he’s taken her to Cambridge. Think he took her there when I was away on that trip to Brazil.’
Kim—‘Keep the receipts somewhere safe. How long does he say he’s known this girl?’
Sarah—‘He says it’s only recent, but I think it started in June.’
Kim—‘Methinks so, too. Rule of thumb is always double what they say. If they say three,
